Tactical Idiocy Action: Metal Gear Solid
by DarkGidora
Summary: Finally Complete. The epic tale of Solid Snake's struggle against FoxHound,  devoid of any epicness.
1. Briefing and Stupid Guard Jokes

Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear Solid. If I did, why would I be writing fanfiction that makes the characters look like morons? Then again, Konami did make The Twin Snakes... jk.

* * *

The Nuclear Submarine _Discovery _drifted lazily through the waters of the Bering Sea. It had a special cargo, one which was now just learning why the hell it was in the brig of an Ohio-class nuclear submarine in the first place, where he was going, and especially why he had no clothes. 

Those answers came in the form of a chubby old man in a beret. Colonel Roy Campbell, ex- commander of Fox-Hound, a government organization that was the badassest of the badasses. He had pressing issues to discuss with his "friend". "It's been a long time, Snake." The Colonel said, slowly, trying not to piss off one of the greatest Black Ops killers in the history of Black Ops killing.

"Colonel, I should have known you were behind this!" Solid Snake hissed. He also wondered how long it took the author to think of combining the words "Snake" and "hissed".

"That's no way to treat an old war buddy Snake." Campbell said again.

"War Buddy! Last time I remember you were giving me advice over radio while I was fighting the giant robots and assorted freaks, lardass!".

"Uh, speaking of that, I invited you here so we could have a little talk.".

"Really, a talk! Then why is the fact that I have no pants being recorded on a camera?" Snake always knew the Colonel was a little bit odd, but this was too much.

"Hello there, governor." Said a woman next to Colonel Campbell. Like all supporting women in a Japanese video game, she was more attractive than 90 of the women you'd meet in real life.

_Well, at least there's two things for me to feel good about_, Snake thought. Turning on his charm, he said "And you are?".

"Uh, Snake, my face is up here." The woman said, and then Campbell introduced her as Doctor Naomi Hunter, c.b. (Crazy Bitch). And Snake's attempt to be charming had no effect on her. Mainly because she didn't find patricidal, brother-killing, cigarette-smoking, drunken, beer- swilling, dense, oversexed mercenaries suitable dating material.

"Really, I knew a person named Jaeger once, and Jaeger is German for 'Hunter'. Remarkable coincidence. He was my friend. I killed him.".

"Ooooookay" Naomi said, slowly backing away from the idiot. Then she remembered what she was there to do. She pulled out a needle, grabbed Snake's arm, and said "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit.". She then jabbed the needle into his arm.

Apparently, Naomi's definition of "not hurting a bit" actually meant "provoking the injectee to swear loudly and colorfully for several minutes". When Snake finally calmed down, he finally asked why he was here.

"Well, it seems that a group of "absolutely loyal" soldiers in the U.S. armed forces have seized control of a Nuclear Weapons disposal site and ransoming us for the corpse of your father, the legendary supersoldier, the greatest warrior to ever live, the man whom nobody can match, the amazing, the stupendous, the colossal–.".

"Yeah, Big Boss. I get it." Snake cut him off. "Why the Hell do they want his corpse?".

"You see, Snake," Naomi began "In real life, training doesn't matter. How badass you are doesn't depend on how much you practice, it's all do to a random combination of chromosomes that we don't fully understand. It's an unbreakable chain.".

Naomi's rambling on about how D.N.A. is what actually determines if you're cut out to be a ruthless assassin was cut short by the snoring of both Snake and Campbell, both of whom were tired of her pontifications about genes after only one tirade. They hoped she'd get the hint and never bring it up again. Unfortunately, she'd bring it up again. And again. And again.

Changing the subject, Campbell decided to tell Snake who his opponents would be. "Okay, first up is the Next Generation Special Forces, a group of genetically enhanced soldiers who really can't see anything beyond ten feet in front of them. But the kicker is that they're being led by Fox-Hound. After I left, some genius decided to give command of the group to a crazy evil British guy. He promptly decided to turn Fox-Hound into a force that could beat the SuperFriends.".

"So, instead of being just really skilled soldiers, they've all got some kind of gimmicky power, like all the other terrorists I've wasted over the course of my life?".

"Yup. The first is Psycho Mantis, the anorexic bald psychic freak with no knowledge that PlayStations have two controller ports. Then there's Decoy Octopus, who has no fighting ability. He's just able to disguise himself. Then there is Sniper Wolf, who, aside from being a suicidal junkie who lives to kill, also loves animals. Bonus, she has a large rack. Then there's Vulcan Raven, a guy who talks with birds. Next up is Revolver Ocelot, the winner of the Colonel Sanders Lookalike contest. Finally, there is their leader, Liquid Snake here is a picture of him.".

The soldier looked at that photo, and burst out laughing. "Look at that ugly mug! And that stupid long blonde hair. He looks like he should be an eighties rockstar...".

"Yep, not only does he have the same codename as you, he also looks exactly like you." Campbell said.

"Oh, crap. Uh, what am I supposed to do?".

"First, rescue the obligatory distractions--er, I mean hostages. Then, find out if they actually can launch, and stop them...".

Naomi spoke up "And spread a horrible death virus that I've injected into you so I can get revenge for my brother.".

"What was that, Naomi?" Snake asked.

"Uh, I said good luck.".

"Okay then. Colonel, how do I get there?".

"We were planning on strapping you to a dolphin and having him drag you out there, but Greenpeace complained. So, we're just going to shove you in a torpedo tube and let you swim.".

"Anything else?".

"My niece is being held hostage. She's a brash, cocky, headstrong woman whom will be as much a hindrance as a help to you. Seeing as we've dragged you out here against you're will, forced you to accept this mission, have decided against giving you any weapons in this endeavor, and pumped you full of a bunch of chemicals, I'm going to ask you to save her.".

"Does she have a nice butt?"

"She's my goddam niece, you sick bastard! I can't judge.".

"I'll take that as a yes. Just let me have a haircut, and then I'm ready to go.".

* * *

A few minutes later, and Snake was under the sea, swimming to a heavily armed terrorist stronghold. As he surfaced, he heard a trademark British voice. 

"Stay alert. He'll be through here. I know it.".

"Uh, boss, if he's going to come here, then why do you have two inept guards posted? I mean, me and Jim can beat up hobos and the elderly, but that's about it.".

"Shut up! I have a conspiracy to enact, and don't need to be questioned by Faceless Guard number one.".

"Actually sir, I'm faceless guard number two. FG One is Jim. He's over there.".

"Sorry. Oh well, when he kills you, try to act like you didn't expect his arrival, okay!".

"Can do, boss.".

With that, the evil British guy departed via elevator. Too bad no one heard Faceless Guard number one's pleas for help, nor the audible snap of his neck breaking. Then Snake stepped into a puddle. Within an instant, FG Two turned, walked over, and said "What was that sound?". When he spotted the guy in grey body armor dragging FG One's corpse towards a conveniently placed wood chipper.

Faceless Two immediately started firing. Unfortunately, Snake managed to run five feet away. Faceless Two immediately began to ask, to nobody, "Where'd he go?". He continued his pursuit, and Snake found it fun to run within his visual range, then dart back out right after he was spotted. But, eventually it got boring, so Snake punch-punch-kicked FG2 until he was out cold.

Leaving faceless guard two lying unconscious, Snake headed over to the elevator. After 3 minutes of waiting, finally, the elevator began to descend, with warning Klaxons loud enough to alert even the densest of Black Ops agents that yes, the elevator was coming down. So Snake hid behind a crate and waited.

Faceless Guard number 3, upon exiting the elevator immediately began to wonder where his comrades were. The trail of blood, the spent shell casings, it all could only mean one thing. "They must've been killed by Giant Rats!". Obviously, the NSGF wasn't going to be outdone in the "total idiot" category, even by Solid Snake.

"Oh man, my head hurts." The moaning emanated from around the corner. Immediately, FG three sprung out, and emptied his assault rifle... into FG2. Immediately, Faceless Guard 3 could only think of one thing._ Oh shit. Paperwork's gonna be a bitch for this one. Maybe I can blame it on some legendary soldier, or a manatee, or something._

Solid Snake, safely out of view twenty feet straight ahead of FG3, turned over a question in his mind as well.The question was _Do I kill him, or do I just head up the elevator?_ This question was interrupted when FG3 decided to continue his patrol. With that, Snake decided to take pity on one of the few beings with less common sense then himself, and headed up to the elevator. So far, the mission had gone pretty good. He predicted that nothing strange or stupid would happen. Clearly, the man was an ass.


	2. Breaking and Entering

Disclaimer: Metal Gear and all of it's characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment of Japan.

* * *

As the elevator rose up the shaft, Solid Snake, legendary soldier that he was, took off all the extra equipment he had, including a ski mask, revealing that he somehow changed his hair color, and procured a bandana. Which left him hatless in the middle of an Alaskan blizzard. As the elevator reached the ground, Snake disembarked, and immediately hid behind a conveniently placed bigass metal crate (TM).

Suddenly, a ringing emanated from nowhere.

"This is Snake. Despite the loud warning klaxons, nobody's noticed that the elevator is up." The Black Ops warrior said over his nifty radio surgically implanted in his skull.

"Excellent Snake." Campbell said on the other end of the line. "Age hasn't slowed you down.".

Naomi chimed in. "How's that Sneaking Suit working out?".

"A little hard to move, but at least I'm still alive.".

"Bear with it. You'd frozen to death if you weren't wearing it. Not that I'd mind..." the doctor said again.

"What was that?" The bandana wearing soldier said.

"Uh, nothing.".

"Uh-huh. Colonel, how's the diversionary operation going?".

Campbell, glad that Snake and Naomi's conversation hadn't led to another vague tirade on genetics, informed Snake that a pair of attack aircraft had just left the tarmac at Galena Air Force Base. Then, Snake finally noticed the giant ass helicopter sitting less than fifty feet away from him. A guy, in an evil trench coat nonetheless, climbed into the chopper, and took off.

"A Hind-D? Colonel, what's a Russian gun ship doing here?".

"Uh, I don't know. Guess they noticed our diversion.".

"So that retard's flying in this snowstorm? Not to mention he's planning on going to go up against a pair of jet aircraft in a ground attack/transport helicopter? Moron." A cute Chinese voice came over the radio.

"Who's that?" Snake asked.

"Oh, this is Mei Ling. She's pretty much our secretary." The old fat man said.

"I developed the magic, time freezing radio that you're using, as well as the magic radar that tells you guard positions, where they're looking at, and even highlights their 5 foot cone of visual range. And I'll save you're game, and you won't even need a ink ribbon. I will also try and come up with irrelevant quotes to keep you inspired." Mei Ling said.

"Wow. That's pretty cool. And to top it all off, like every other woman in this series, you're hot." Snake said, beginning to drool. Unfortunately, drooling in an Alaskan snowstorm is not a bright move. And thus began his valiant, three-minute struggle to try and get the ice that connected is lower jaw to his body armor off.

"YAY! I'm being hit on by someone! Glee!." The Chinese secretary spoke again. Then she went on to explain the not overly complex idea behind radar to Snake. It took a few tries, but eventually Snake got it. And once again, Naomi spoke on how the genome soldiers were genetically superior, even though they had the intelligence, vision, and hearing of a retarded jellyfish.

"Okay Colonel. I have one question. The guards here are not that great, but why the holy Hell did you send me here with no weapons?".

"I can answer that Snake. Live, and I'll consider sleeping with you." Naomi said.

_Wait. That's not an answer._ Snake thought. But like any male on the planet, he didn't care. "Okay. Got it. Oh, and I managed to bring my cigarettes. Yep, I had no access to pants on the sub, but I had access to cigarettes.".

"You know Snake, nicotine activates the gene that causes lung cancer...".

"Jesus Christ, you idiot! You got her talking about genes again." Campbell said. "Let's just finish the mission, and you can flirt with the hired help all you want, and I can stop listening to all this educational garbage!".

"Okay, two sentries. One on the right. And there's one on the left. He apparently slept through the takeoff of a helicopter.".

"How do you plan on entering?" Campbell asked.

"Can't just knock on the front door and ask them to let me in." Snake said.

"Great conclusion, Captain Obvious." Mei Ling said.

"What was that?".

"Uh, I said that in the words of Confucius, 'Good Luck'.".

"Got it. Okay, I'm ready to go.". Snake then preceded to walk on the snow. When he noticed the guard saw the footprints, he decided to run in circles around the hill, just to see if the guard would notice. After thirty minutes of this, Snake grew bored and walked away. And Faceless Guard Number Four was none the wiser.

Spotting a cargo truck, Snake hopped in the back. He immediately found a loaded gun, with no safety lock or anything. A SOCOM .45 caliber, with a laser sight attached, no less. He then received another CODEC call.

"Yeah, who's this?" The mercenary asked.

"This is Nastasha Romanenko, your requisite Russian support chick and expert on weapons. I will tell you the tricks to use to defeat bosses, as well as how preach to you about how nuclear weapons are bad. So bad. Very bad." The Russian chick said. Amazingly, she was only moderately attractive.

"Neat.".

"The handgun you are using is a SOCOM Special Operations Command pistol. It is a reliable weapon with plenty of stopping power. It is a little heavy and... wait. Did you fall asleep? Evil Capitalist pig! Filthy American dog!".

"Huh, oh. Sorry about that." Snake said, waking up. "It's just that hearing the complete history of a .45 caliber handgun is only slightly more interesting to me than hearing Naomi babble on about genetics.".

"Got it. Remember, nuclear weapons are bad.".

Clicking off the radio, Snake exited the trunk. The guard on the hill was still pondering the mystery of the footprints, and the one on the right was asleep. Snake decided to go up a set of stairs at the top of the hill. Suddenly he noticed something. "A surveillance camera?" Snake said, amazed at the fact that there would be a security system in an facility that disposes nuclear weapons. Waiting for the camera to turn, Snake entered the climbed the stairs, and immediately was scene by a guard he didn't notice.

The guard called an alert, and now all three guards were heading for Snake. To make matters worse, Snake's omnipotent radar wasn't functioning in alert mode. So Snake ran back down the stairs, on to the helicopter pad, screaming like an idiot. On the pad, he found a set of chaff grenades, with the amazing ability to disrupt electronics. As the guards drew closer, ran up the stairs.

At the apex, he ran some more, and finally found an open vent shaft. The guards, upon reaching the top of stairs, dropped in a few grenades. Unfortunately, the geniuses weren't bright enough to move away from the vent cover. Poor bastards.

As for Snake, members of his family have a knack for not dying when by all rights they should be liquified, so he survived. Although he wouldn't mind lying there, allowing his multiple fractures to heal themselves, he got another CODEC call, this time from a blonde man in aviator sunglasses.

"Snake, this is Albert Wesker... er, I mean, MacDonnell Miller.".

"Master? What are you doing here? And are those helicopter rotors in the background.".

"Er, no, of course not. I'm your best friend. You trust me. Look into my eyes...".

"Uh, Master, isn't this the part where you tell me what unnecessary job you'll be filling?".

"Yeah. I'll give you meaningful advice, such as why you shouldn't play videogames while in the bathtub. And other advice on gaming ergonomics. Okay buh-bye now.".

* * *

In the cockpit of the Mi-24 Hind-D, Liquid Snake felt amazed by how stupid his brother was. _Wow. And he was the Golden boy. _Liquid felt a surge of fear. Snake was superior to him in every regard. _So if Snake was that much of an idiot, what does that make me?_ Liquid was to busy brooding to pay attention as to where he was flying. So his introspection was cut short when the Hind slammed into the ground at maximum velocity.

Fifteen minutes later, Liquid woke up in the burning wreckage. "Ouch." He said.

"Sir?! Are you all right?!" Faceless Guard Number Four said.

"Uh, I think so. Minus the blinding pain, of course.".

"I see. Need anything?".

Looking at the burning wreckage of the helicopter, Liquid tried to do his best villainous crossing- arms-looking-down pose thing. Which, considering the severe head trauma, wasn't that great. "Go get me some super glue.".

"Anything else?".

"No. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to talk to that leprechaun." The evil mastermind said, staggering over to a snowman FG Four had built in celebration after he decided that the footprints in the snow were caused by an intelligent race of gnomes. FG Four shook his head, thinking _and people think I'm an idiot_. As Liquid left FG Four's visual range, the guard suddenly noticed the footprints in the snow. _Jesus! The gnomes have struck again!_


	3. DARPA Octopus

Disclaimer: Metal Gear, and all characters within, belong to Konami Computer Entertainment of Japan.

* * *

After his brief chat with Master Miller, Snake crawled through the claustrophobic, constricted air vents. As he passed over one of the vent covers, he noticed two more faceless guards below, talking, as always, about confidential information in a totally unsecured location.

"Yep, we moved the DARPA Chief alright. He's in the jail in the first floor basement." Said Faceless Guard Seven.

"Yep, and conveniently, we've opened all the vent covers so that we could exterminate the rats." Said his compatriot, Faceless Guard Eight. Unfortunately, Snake wasn't paying attention.

"Good. Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, tell Johnny to keep an eye on that woman in the cell.".

"The one with the nice ass?". That comment immediately shook Snake out of Lala land.

"The very same. It would be a shame for Johnny to get his ass kicked, and his clothes stolen by a hostage.".

"Yup, that would suck. And speaking on the subject of things sucking, somebody's killed three people already.".

"Three people?! Oh God, please don't let it be Rick, the bastard owes me money." Faceless Guard number Seven was shocked by this information. Snake himself was shocked. He tried to remember how many people he axed so far. Unfortunately, Snake lost count at one, so he hoped they hadn't discovered what he did.

"Yes, and I'd say he's using stealth, too.". Snake let out a sigh of relief, knowing that he didn't have stealth camouflage. Unfortunately, he was directly over the two guards. Fortunately, before they could notice him and shoot, Faceless Guard Eight noticed a paper clip. And thus, there was much rejoicing.

Continuing on, Snake found a ladder down, and exited the air vent into the tank hanger. Snake noticed the floors reverberated footsteps. _Cool, I make noise when I walk_ thought the idiot, and he proceeded to run in circles for a few minutes before noticing another surveillance camera. Sneaking past it, he walked past an open pair of double doors, and found a nice set of thermal goggles on the floor. Clearly, the NSGF should've investigated in locks, just in case any random Black Ops soldier came and borrowed their equipment.

After climbing down the stairs that led to the ground floor of the Tank Hanger, Snake snuck past another random guard before approaching the elevator. After entering the lift, he immediately pressed the "B1" button.

* * *

Upon exiting the elevator, Snake received a CODEC call.

"Snake, look at you're radar, there's a green dot, it's the chief!" Mei Ling said.

"Got it. By the way, I'd like to save my game here." said the commando.

"Okay one second." The secretary said. "Okay, there you go. And now, here's you're random advice: 'He who knows enough's enough will always have enough'. Okay, buh-bye now."

Snake, after signing off, could only think of one thing. _Okay. I'm here fighting terrorists, and she's pretending to be the Riddler. Just peachy._

After walking down the corridor, Snake found another conveniently placed ladder. Clambering up, he crawled through the vents, until he turned halfway down. Passing over a vent cover, he noticed it was a guard at the bathroom. There are some things that human eyes are just not meant to see, and that was one of them.

Right before he started trying to gouge out his eyes, Snake heard the guard speak. "Caught a damn cold. I hate Alaska. Boy oh boy, that woman is built alright.".

Snake recognized that voice from somewhere, as well as the tendency to narrate thoughts. He remembered Outer Heaven, his first experience with fighting superpowered freaks and oddball sociopaths. The first guard he saw... yes, the man he just witnessed using the toilet was him. He remembered hearing the guard say "I feel asleep.". Yes, same voice, same tendencies, same stupidity... they must be the same person.

Snake, letting his old nemesis go, for now, turned, and went further into the vents. Over one cover, he looked down, and noticed a red haired woman exercising in her cell. Fifteen minutes later, he received another CODEC call.

"Uh Snake, you've been there for fifteen minutes. Are you alright? I mean, you've got to activate–er, I mean, deactivate the nuclear warhead." Said Master Miller.

"Uh, I was, uh, doing recon. Y'know, scouting out the territory, all that stuff.".

"Alright. Whatever. I mean, it's not like you're spending time you should be using to stop nuclear holocaust staring at the Colonel's niece.".

"Yeah, of course I'm not. Bye."

"Yeah, I know. If he caught you doing that, well, I mean he does know a few hitmen." the British drill instructor said.

Snake, spurred by this new information rushed forward. Looking down, he spotted the DARPA Chief. After removing the vent cover, he dropped into the room.

"Who are you?" Donald Anderson asked, perplexed at the notion of a guy in military gear dropping out of a vent shaft was a social call.

"I'm here to save you.".

"I see. By the way, let's talk about the terrorist's plan, m'kay?" The chief asked, apparently more excited about talking to a complete stranger about the impending launch than getting out of his cell.

"Okay, fine. Is there a dark, ugly secret that my commanders are hiding from me?" asked Snake.

"Yeah, we've begun development on a weapons project so secret, so powerful, that nobody know's about it. A nuclear equipped walking battle tank."

"Metal Gear?! It can't be!" Snake said, cursing his misfortune. Blowing up giant robots was becoming a thing he could put on his resume.

"Huh, you know about it?" the chief inquired.

"Yep, I get dragged out of retirement to blow up giant robots and kill a bunch of Legion of Doom rejects every couple of years." Snake said, announcing he annual routine to him. Returning to the issue at hand he asked "Do they know the launch codes?".

Anderson deftly replied "Yep. FOX-Hound's psychic, Psycho Mantis, read my mind.".

"So tell me again, why did they bring a long a bunch of unstable lunatics, including a telepath, to serve as security for your mech?".

"Uh, well I don't know. Maybe it's because of Decoy Octopus. He's a really awesome guy, y'know?".

"HEY!" Shouted Johnny Sasaki, the guard Snake remembered from Outer Heaven. "Shut up in there, willya?!". Snake was hiding against the wall, out of sight, so obviously, the fact that the DARPA chief was apparently having a conversation didn't register as suspicious to Johnny.

"No. Anyways, is there any way for me to stop this whole thing without fighting against Metal Gear?".

"Yeah, all you need to do is find three keys and input them into the base computer. Doing so will trigger... er, I mean, stop the launch. To help you, I'll give you my card key, which will open up all level one security doors. Yep, I'm one of the people entrusted with the passwords for the launch, but I got the most pathetic keycard in the game.".

Snake, glad that it was a Metal Gear game where he might not have to get his ass punted around by a fifty foot tall robot, was all set to bust the DARPA Chief out when the chief had to ask "You know, you're just a pawn, and I'm the guy in charge of this, but is there any way to stop the launch?".

"I dunno, why'd you ask?"

"Uh, no reason, I just need to know if there is, because... UUUUUUUURRRRRAAAAAGHHAH!" Clutching his chest, the chief fell to the ground, convulsing.

"Uh, you okay there, buddy?". Snake said, kicking the corpse. After firmly figuring out that he chief was dead, Snake could only think of one thing. _Wonder if the terrorists let him keep his wallet?_ After discovering it, and taking out a few credit cards and a driver's license attributed to "Octopus, Decoy", Snake tried to get out of the cell.

Suddenly he heard choking noises, and the Johnny Sasaki, looking suspiciously more womanlike than before, stepped past the cell door. The door slid open, and Snake ventured out, into the unknown...


	4. The man with the, uh, not golden gun

Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear Solid, Konami does.

* * *

As Snake exited the DARPA Chief's cell, he looked around the cellblock. The Black Ops badass thought to himself_ nothing unusual. A door leading to the bathroom a computer, a naked man lying unconscious at right-hand wall, nothing unusual at all..._

_Wait... NAKED MAN LYING UNCONSCIOUS?!!_

"Don't move!" Shouted the guard. Whereas Johnny Sasaki previously had a sniveling, nasally voice, now he sounded like a young woman. Snake immediately wheeled around, looking straight into the eyes of his opponent, his FAMAS leveled at Snake's chest.

"So you killed the chief." Effeminately-voiced Johnny said. Eventually, Snake figured out that it wasn't Johnny. But it took a while.

"Come on. Jesus Christ. Do you think a guy would just waltz into Mr. Anderson's cell via the vent shafts, have a long conversation about nuclear weapons and psychic dudes, and then snuff ol' Chiefy here in a manner that sounds similar to cardiac arrest?".

"Uh... possibly.".

Sighing, Snake explained. "Here's a better account of the situation. I came to rescue him. However, he must've really needed to cut back on his cholesterol, because he had a heart attack. Blame Atkins, not me.".

"Yeah, sure. Next you'll tell me you're the son of a legendary supersoldier, who came here at the coercion of my Uncle Roy to take down you're evil twin brother." The woman retorted.

"Uh... Yeah." Snake said. "Of course, you're just a rookie, and haven't figured that out yet.".

"I'm not a rookie!".

"Yeah... I see the look in you're eyes. You're definitely a rookie. Betcha haven't even taken the safety off.".

**BLAM!**

After a few moments of wincing at the 5.56 millimeter whole in his shoulder, Snake continued "I-I su-suppose y-you sniff t-took th-the safety off. B-but you're st-still a ro-rookie.". Then he started crying. When his enemy laughed, that was the last straw. He pulled out his SOCOM.

* * *

Unfortunately, as the female soldier and Snake traded insults (and bullet collections), a group of Genome Soldiers stood outside the door. After realizing that they were going to attack the deadliest man on earth and reviewing the Evil Henchmen's Union rules, they decided to go in groups of three. The Union ruled thatfaceless guardscan't actually use their numerical advantage to any real effect.

* * *

Back in the cell, the female soldier, now that Snake had his gun pointed at her, decided to negotiate. "Okay... open that door.".

"Why?!".

"Because I want to leave, duh.".

Unfortunately, the soldier's brilliant stratagem was abruptly terminated when the door slid open, and the first three sacrificial lambs charged in. Snake immediately relieved all the pent-up frustration he had about being sent to a terrorist stronghold unarmed, by aiming low and shooting fast.

After the guards fell, Snake realized that the chick hadn't fired a shot. "SHOOT!".

"STOP YELLING AT ME! IT HURTS MY FEELINGS!" his compatriot shouted.

Three more guards entered. With a little bit more pushing from Snake, the woman opened fire, downing the cannon fodder as efficiently as Snake did.

More guards pored in, and as a group, they died like lemmings. As the last group was killed, the soldier, sarcastically thanking Snake for saving her life, ran out the door. Of course, Snake rushed after her. As she raced towards the elevator, Snake stopped and stared at her ass. _Hmm... a bit on the psycho side, but hey, so's everyone else I've met. Nice ass, too. And if she follows Mei Ling's and Naomi's example, she's hot._

Snake was brimming with questions. But before our hero could ask for her number, her birthday, her favorite restaurant, or her measurements, she turned and fired. Diving back into the relative safety of the prison, he continued his train of thought. _Uh, on second thought, maybe personality is important..._

After the elevator doors closed, Snake walked back into the hall. Suddenly, he had a vision.

* * *

"You fool! You've killed him!" Shouted the Evil British Voice (TM), whom Snake remembered from the start of the mission.

"Uh, sorry sir. I know I've ruined our plans, but it was an accident." Said an Evil Russian Voice (TM).

"Yeah, and I couldn't read his mind. Yep, not only am I about as thickly muscled as a pencil, my only useful abilities proved useless against an old guy with a clip on tie." said an Evil Russian Voice in a Gasmask (TM).

"Yeah, great job with that. Miss Cleo would be a more efficient henchman than you." Sneered the Evil Brit.

"OH YEAH?! FUCK YOU GOLDILOCKS!" Shouted the Gasmask-wearer.

* * *

After that, Snake called up Naomi. "Uh, Doc, was there any PCP in that shot you gave me?".

"Nope, just common Ritalin (Should've upped the dose on that one), anti-freeze, nanomachines, and the death virus." The British scientist replied.

"What was that last one again?" Snake asked.

"Uh... nanomachines.".

"Oh, could've sworn you said death virus.".

"Oh no, of course not. You must've been trapped in a feedback loop from Mantis, and it combined with a group of genes that cause hallucinations to" At that point, Snake hung up. Then he called up Campbell.

"Colonel, the Chief's dead, and the terrorists must've learned group dynamics from Megatron and Starscream.".

"Yeah. I see, not like us. I just tell you to go to war or get a 9 millimeter seal of disapproval, and that's the end of the argument. Go find Baker.".

Snake arrived on floor B-2. After randomly using the Chief's keycard, he found what no action hero is complete without; C-4. That's when he began blowing stuff up indiscriminantly. Eventually, after revealing three secret areas, blowing up five walls, and nearly killing himself on the same trapdoor twelve times, he reached a room.

The President of Armstech was standing in the middle, against a pillar. Surrounding him were a bunch of wires. "Oooooh, shiny..." Snake said, and reached for a wire.

"No!" shouted the chief. Snake looked up, and immediately realized he almost set off a dozen or so blocks of plastic explosives.

"Right. Touch that wire and the C-4 will blow up along with the old man." Said the owner of the non-gasmasked Evil Russian Voice (TM). Dressed in a trench coat, with a blue Old West-style vest on, he apparently had no qualms about standing right next to the semtex while a Black Ops agent reached for the tripwires. "I've been waiting for you, Solid Snake.".

"Yep, that's me. And you are?".

"Special Operations FOX-Hound...".

"Clint Eastwood?!".

"NO DAMMIT! My name's Revolver..." upon saying Revolver, the man did a thirty minute gun twirling trick. He continued. "... Ocelot.", this followed by another gun twirling trick. Snake easily could've just blasted him in the face with his SOCOM while Ocelot spent an hour introducing himself, _but hey_, he thought sarcastically, _I'm facing a senile old geezer using an even older handgun. I sure do feel scared._

Ocelot took his prized revolver and dumped the ammo out, reloading as he said"This here is the greatest handgun ever made, the Colt Single Action Army. Six bullets. More than enough to kill anything that moves. Unless of course, you're a pansy and chose to play on 'Easy'. Wait... dammit, are you fucking asleep?!".

Naomi and Nastasha, both monitoring the conversation, could only bow their heads in shame. At least Snake was consistent with his ADD.

Back at Shadow Moses, Snake awoke. "Okay. Let's do this.". He said, reaching for his SOCOM. _Idiot, he's using a 1870s six-shooter .45. I'm using a 1990s automatic .45._

His opponent, taking this in stride, settled his hand over his Colt Peacemaker. "Draw!". _Idiot. I'm a master at using six-shooting .45s. He's stuck with an overglorified automatic._

When both sides are this cocky, someone's bound to look like an idiot.

* * *

Author's note: Cliffhanger ending for this one. Also, I wish to ask you something. I plan on having someone talk entirely in leet (or 1337) speech, just to illustrate how much it sucks. It's either going to be Grey Fox or Otacon. However, because leet speech sucks, I'm unsure if it will deter much from my story, and ask you for your opinions. Thanks in advance. 


	5. Enter the Dragon, er, Fox

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

* * *

As we last left Snake, our hero was just about to face off against the FOX-HOUND Colonel Sanders lookalike, Revolver Ocelot. 

"Draw!" The Russian cowboy said. Snake responded by using the tried-and-true "Shoot the guy in the face" tactic. Unfortunately, Ocelot managed to run behind a pillar before Snake could ventilate his forehead. So Snake followed suite and hid behind a pillar. And unfortunately, Ocelot managed to ricochet a bullet off the wall, and hit Snake in the shoulder.

"Ow! That hurt!".

Seeing that his trick worked, Ocelot decided to embark on some good,old-fashioned Bond Villain-style exposition. "Hiding won't help you. I understand the bullets, you see. I make them go where I want.".

And so, back and forth the battle raged, Snake and Ocelot trading lead. Until Ocelot ran out of bullets for his Colt SAA. Putting in 6 more .45 LC bullets, Ocelot once again embarked on narrating his every action to Snake. "I love to reload during a battle. There's nothing like the feeling of slamming a long, silver bullet into a well-greased chamber.".

Snake, stopped, blinked for a minute, and burst out laughing. Sarcastically, he said "Okay, -ha- that was strange. Was that a threat or -snicker- are you hitting on me?".

"Can't it be both?". Snake, realizing that Ocelot wasn't being sarcastic, shuddered.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Hell, the ghost of Big Boss surveyed the battle between his son and his former nemesis. Yelling upwards, he said "Jesus Christ boy, I beat this guy before he was senile! Hell, you'd better be losing on purpose to tick me off, or else I want my genes back.".

* * *

Back at Shadow Moses, Snake finally managed to cap Ocelot. The old man stepped behind another pillar. "Hmm, you''re pretty good. Just what I'd expect from the man with the same code as the boss. Draw!". 

Just as Ocelot rushed out of his hiding space, a Predatoresque transparent silhouette leapt. Ocelot was suddenly missing his Colt SAA, and his hand. "What? My hand!". Obviously, whatever organ that prevents you from stating the obvious is located in your hand.

The silhouette sliced apart the tripwires holding the Armstech President, and the C-4 went off. Amazingly, despite the fact that he was in the center of the explosions, Baker was unharmed. In fact, the only one injured was Ocelot, who got blasted out of the whole in the wall. The silhouette turned visible, revealing a cyborg ninja, carrying a three foot-long katana.

Picking up his amputated hand, he shouted at Snake "You were lucky! We'll meet again!" and rushed down the hall. Yep, Snake was real lucky, now that the old Russian guy he was fighting was replaced by a super powered invisible freak.

"Who are you!" Snake demanded.

"I am like you... I have no name."._Dumbass, my name's Snake. Oh well, at least he got rid of the creepy gunslinger,_ Snake thought, recalling the silver bullet speech.

Then Baker went and opened his mouth. "Domo arigato, mister Roboto.".

"Gyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Came the reply. The Ninja seized up, backflipped out of the room, and ran down the hall.

"Riiiiiiiight." Snake said. Helping Baker to his feet, he continued "So, you''re the other guy I have to rescue.".

"Yep." was the reply.

_Good. At least I didn't put up with all this for nothing,_ Snake thought "And I assume you'll give me another low-level keycard, despite the fact that you are, y'know, in charge of this project.".

"Yep. But you forgot to mention the top secret disk on Metal Gear REX, which will not help you at all.".

_Figures,_ our hero thought. "Anything else?".

"Uh, yeah. Where's the DARPA Chief?".

_Crap. "_Uh... well, I uh... he died.". Immediately, Baker began whacking Snake with his cane, a feat that managed to be only slightly less threatening than the fifty year old cowboy.

"C'mon. Why does think I killed him? I was sent here to rescue you people." Snake sighed, taking away the old man''s cane.

"Eh, maybe because you look a lot like the Evil British dude?".

"Sorry. Okay, know any useless phone numbers?" Snake asked.

"Uh, I knew the number of that one hot chick they captured." Baker said.

"The one with the nice ass?" Snake said, his eyes bright and happy.

"Yep, that''s the one.".

"SCORE!" Snake yelled triumphantly. "Come on baldy, what's her number!".

"I, uh forgot." Baker said. Snake prepared to deal out a brand of violence that could only be described as extremely Mel Gibson Biblical-esque, but before he could find any conveniently placed bigass nails, Baker saved his skin. "Okay, to get her number, just break the fourth wall between fantasy and reality and check the CD case.".

Calming down, Snake decided to find out what the legally blind, deaf, and retarded guards and hapless Cobra rejects wanted. "Okay. What are the terrorists really after?".

"Uh, they probably are looking forward to the World War Three, just like us in the arms industry. But noooooooo. **I** had to bribe my way into being able to get Metal Gear built. **They** just came and took it. Y'know, it's not like they couldn't just get their own Nukes, there's an entire black market for those things. They had to steal my robot. I mean, I know it's not nice to have the fate of the world as an afterthought when you are trying to line your pockets, but still...".

Snake, cursing himself for getting another vague tirade started, decided to talk about Metal Gear for a while. "Okay, what do I have to do to blow your Mech up this time?".

"Find Hal Emmerich, the guy who designed it. He's completely nuts, so he probably fits in well here." Baker said, recalling all the stupid posters bought and unintelligible anime references the engineer had made.

"Okay, find your computer geek. Now finally, is there any real important plot detail that will unravel the entire mystery of the game?" Snake asked. He really wanted to find out what kind of conspiracy was being enacted.

"Okay, you see, Metal Gear is... ugh! NO! WHY! EVIL PENTAGON!". With a final -gurgle-, the Armstech President croaked.

"Damn!" Snake said. _Okay, ask for plot spoilers first, then ask what their motivation was. Better write this down. _After doing so, and stealing Baker''s wallet, Snake received a call from Campbell.

"Uh, Colonel, something really bad happened." Snake said to his boss.

"Let me guess, you were about to find a piece of information which would save you, and everyone else, a great deal of suffering, when all of a sudden, President Baker died of a heart attack, just like the DARPA Chief." Colonel said.

"Uh, yeah. How'd you know?" Snake asked.

"Oh, it must've been alucky guess. I mean, their deaths couldn't have been planned from the start." Campbell said.

"Okay, fine. By the way, I saw a Ninja." Snake said, with the enthusiasm and clarity of a second grader describing his field trip to the zoo.

"Uh yeah, uh about that. I know that he's a FOX-HOUND medical experiment, and I'm the chief medical officer of FOX-HOUND, but I know nothing about him. Nothing at all. He and I have definately never met." Naomi chimed in.

"Okay. I gotta go." Snake said. _Okay, to talk to that girl, I just have to destroy suspension of disbelief..._

* * *

Meanwhile, in a little place called "reality", DarkGidora looked at the back of his CD case. "Hmm, Meryl's frequency is 140.15. Got it." The student/amateurfanfiction writer said.

* * *

""Okay, 140.15."" Snake said, dialing the codec frequency... 

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. Bond Chicks and Eskimo Tank Drivers

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid, Konami does. MGM owns James Bond and the Bond Chicks.

* * *

After dialing the frequency 140.15 into the codec, Snake saw a face covered in a ski mask appear. 

"Who are you?" The woman said.

"Don't you remember the whole 'Shoot the guy for staring at my ass' ordeal?". Snake said.

"The guy from jail?! How did you get this number?!" The woman said, astonished. The last thing she needed was a crazy stalker following her.

"Uh, Baker gave it to me. And by the way, are you the Colonel's niece?" Snake asked.

"Uh, yeah, my name's Meryl. And who might you be?".

"A fool that your uncle sent here." Snake replied.

"Hmm, you must be Snake! Solid Snake!" She said, removing her mask. And, not surprisingly, Snake was glad to see yet another hot chick was around.

"Yeah, I guess your uncle told you about me.".

"Yep. He said that you were an easily manipulable, unprincipled, moral-less, murdering cipher.".

Snake tried to explain those words. "Uh, yeah... about that... um, damn, I got nothing. So, what should we do?".

"Well, this is about spies, so following tradition, we should flirt a bit, then return to serious matters later." Meryl said.

_Heh. I knew something good would happen today._ Snake, thought, then he commenced flirting "Y'know, I had no doubts that you weren't evil."

"Why?".

"Because you have very pretty eyes. Yep, you shot at me, but you have good eyes, so you couldn't possibly be evil." Snake said.

"And I mistook you for your Liquid. He's not your brother or anything, is he?" Meryl asked.

"Of course not. Sure, we look identical, have the same last name, Ocelot compared the two of us, and the terrorists have declared themselves 'The Sons of Big Boss', but we can't possibly be brothers.".

"By the way, how is Baker doing?" Meryl asked. _Yeah, great, tell me so I can knock that dirty old bastard's goddamn teeth in._ Unbeknownst to Snake, while Meryl and Baker were still in radio contact, Baker spent most of his time making prank calls. Meryl thirsted for vengeance.

"Uh, yeah. Like our friend, the DARPA chief, Baker died of a heart attack. Heart Disease is America's number one killer, you know.".

"Ah, I assume he died right before giving out a major plot point...".

"You're pretty good at this." Snake said, hoping to score more points.

"Yep. Let's discuss something else. Did you know that my uncle has been lying to you from the start?".

"Considering the heart attacks, the fact that Ocelot was waiting for me, the fact that this conveniently is a base where Metal Gear is being kept while guarded by FOX-HOUND, yeah, I had an inkling." was the weary acknowledgment from Snake.

"Ah, well, you better get moving. I have the keycard to open the door on the ground floor of the tank hanger." Meryl said.

"I see." Snake said, but then he remembered something important. "Wait, one last thing. Seeing as we've got the flirting done with, we still have another cliche to enact.".

"Which one?" Meryl asked. She had hoped it wouldn't be the 'Tough, experienced veteran instructing rookie to lay low' cliche. She knew she could just play the corollary, 'Rookie manages to impress veteran with skills' cliche, but that would unfortunately lead into the 'Rookie becomes a liability, leaving the veteran in a dangerous situation' cliche.

"Well, I am a tough, experienced veteran, and you are a rookie, so just lay low.".

_Dammit! Idiot just signed my death warrant_ Meryl thought. She then began wondering which of the villains would be the one. _Oh, well. _"Snake, I'm brash and headstrong. I will do something cool before I get used for target practice.".

Snake finally had a chance to ask the question that had been on his mind since they had met, in the cells. "Does that mean you'll sleep with me?!".

"If by some twist of fate I don't die, sure." Meryl said, before finally signing off to write her will...

"YAY!" Snake said, and then looked to see what his shiny new Level 2 keycard would work on. He found a room holding a FAMAS assault rifle and some laser sensors. However, thanks to the his inability to quit cigarettes, he managed to spot them. He also managed to amass a large collection of grenades, SOCOM ammo, and C4.

* * *

As he reached floor one of the tank hanger, he noticed one of the 70 ton armored vehicles was missing. _Wonder what these bozos will throw at me next... _Snake thought sarcastically. And thus he began pillaging the tank hanger with his new keycard. On the bottom floor, he found a silencer, which he put on his SOCOM, gaining an even greater edge on the guards. They died before they knew what hit them. 

He continued on his raid. And on the top floor of the tank hanger, as he opened one of the security doors, he spotted an ally he hadn't seen since the fall of Zanzibar...

"BOXES!!!" Snake said, and like a child, he dove headfirst into a stack of cardboard boxes, finally choosing on taking a box marked '_To Heliport_'. Happily skipping down the stairs, he decided to give Mei Ling a call.

"Uh, hey Snake, how are things?" The secretary asked nervously.

"What's the matter?!" Snake asked. He could sense that something was amiss.

"Uh, you know we can monitor your every conversation, so Campbell heard you and Meryl talking, and uh, he's taking it pretty hard.".

"What?! Okay, seeing as they are blood relatives, and he's my friend, I won't see Meryl if he feels overly protective..." He was going to continue, but Mei Ling cut him off.

"Oh, it's not the prospect of you two being a couple, it's just the fact that she now has Bond Chick status. And as you know Bond Chicks don't usually make it to the next movie. Well, actually he does have a few scruples about letting hisniece sleep with walking proof of Murphy's Law, but it's mostly the Bond Chick thing." Mei Ling said.

"Crap. Don't worry, I'll face any foe, use any controller slot, last through any long winded speech, save any nerd, and beat any minigame to make sure Meryl lives." Snake said, just as patriotic music began to play.

"Wow, that's amazing... I guess Campbell will forgive you. Wanna save?".

"Sure. By the way, how the hell can I see people through a radio constructed in my skull?".

"Hmm... I'm still trying to figure that one out myself. Oh well, I'll just carry on with the quotes; 'To be, or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in one's mind to face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, ay, there's the rub.'.".

"Are you fucking drunk?!".

"Uh, tee-hee, maybe?".

_Ah, well, she's still cute. And now to walk through that door Meryl opened. _And thus Snake walked past more lasers, and finally exited to another snow field.

* * *

Suddenly, his CODEC rang. 

"Snake, watch out! There are claymore mines there! And if you didn't already guess, there's a tank waiting to ambush you.". Snake couldn't make out the face of the man calling him, but the voice was very familiar.

"Who are you?!" Snake demanded, wanting to know if it was a prank caller. It if was... mailboxes would be shot.

"Just call me Deepthroat. Hey, wait... why are you laughing?! Stop it! -Sniff- Don't you understand the historical significance?".

"Uh, yeah, but still, c'mon, couldn't you pick a better name?".

"Uh, I guess so. Anyways, I'm one of your fans." This line was very familiar. In fact Snake heard his old war buddy Gray Fox say those words in Zanzibar. Of course, the plot demanded it, so Snake couldn't make the connection yet.

And so, after donning thermal goggles, he expanded his arsenal yet again. As he walked towards the Nuke Storage Building, the ground began to shake...

An M-1 tank drove up. "This is Raven's territory..." A monotone voice emanated from the machine. "...Snakes don't belong in Alaska.". The hatch opened, and a man of great sized pulled himself out, or tried to. He was too overmuscled to get out of the hatch.

"Damn It! Stuck." Raven shouted, then bashing the one hand he had free against the tank, he said "A little help here guys?!".

After three minutes of trying and several rounds of "How did you manage to get in?" from the troops, Raven finally pulled himself out of the tank.

"I will not let you pass." Tapping the tank again, he told the troops ominously "Send him a message.".

The tank's cannon turned. The 120 millimeter gun fired. Snake finally managed to get more hang time than Tony Hawk. Of course, Mr. Hawk is a pro skater, and is accustomed to flying. Snake wasn't. Also, Snake was new to flying headfirst into steel blast doors.

Five seconds later, Snake finally spoke. "Ow.".

"Nyahahahaha! That's right. You belong on the ground. Crawl on the ground like the Snake you are." Raven might not have been the best at making cool quotes, but he had a good evil laugh. As Snake got to his feet, Raven exlacimed "COME, LET'S FIGHT!".

Before the Inuit toughguy could attempt to get back into his tank, a guard spoke. "Dude, I bet your tongue would freeze to the tank if you put your tongue on it, just like in that Christmas movie."

"Will not!".

"Will to!".

"Fine, If I win, I get five bucks." Raven then licked the Tank. Five seconds later "Uck. I ink I'm uck. Am it! Ar oo aughing at me?! UCK OO!". He struggled to remove his tongue from the chobham composite armor, flailing like a ninny. The guards eventually grabbed his legs and pulled, and then, finally...

**-RIIIIIIIP!!!!- **

"That's gotta hurt." Snake said, as he prepared to battle the tank.

* * *

Author's note: Hope you've enjoyed this chapter. I have something special planned for next chapter, so don't expect the next update to make any sense. 


	7. Intermission 1:  'Tis the season

Disclaimer: Still don't own Metal Gear.

* * *

**Author's Note**: This is an intermission. It has no effect on Tactical Idiocy Action at all. Just wanted to put down something for the holiday season. Happy Holidays everyone.

* * *

Solid Snake walked up on stage. Surrounding him were Revolver Ocelot, Liquid Snake, Solidus Snake, Grey Fox, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, Psycho Mantis, the AI Colonel, Vamp, Faceless Guard 4, Sergei Gurlukovich, and finally Big Boss. Addressing the audience, he said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my most evil and villainous of... uh evil villains. Here they are to sing their own special version of the Twelve Days of Christmas.". 

"Remind me, Brother. Why the hell are we here to sing a Christmas song. I mean, we are VILLAINS. Anyways, you also decided to bring our other Brother here, as well as the Old Man. Which is odd, since he's dead." Liquid interrupted.

"Uh, yeah. Um, this is a non-canonical way to celebrate every capitalist's favorite holiday. You see, DarkGidora was busy with school, so he couldn't dedicate the time and resources into writing a Metal Gear Christmas fic, and he couldn't think of a way to update this story, so he combined the ideas into an intermission.".

"So" Fox said. "You've brought twelve people, who all would like to kill you, and whom all have evil voices and/or funny accents, here, because our author is a lazy bastard and wants us to sing the most repetitive song on Earth?".

"That's not very Christmassy. But, uh, yeah, you're right. Take it from the top guys.".

At once, the twelve evildoers started singing, horribly off-key. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
Ocelot had the first part. "Liquid's mind in a transplant.". Liquid's eye twitched.

"On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
Liquid stopped giving Ocelot a death glare, and said his line "Two brothers who'll die!". Solidus and Solid just looked at each other and shrugged.  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Three idiot clones..." came from Big Boss. That got him a few glares.  
"Two brothers who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Four Hari-Kiri rocks..." were the words of the AI Colonel. Everyone stood, silently blinking, for a minute, before Big Boss remembered his part.  
"Three idiot clones..."  
"Two brother's who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Five SEALs to kill..." Said a slightly drunken Vamp, wildly swinging his knife. Liquid got the stabbing tool lodged in his gut.  
"Four Hari-Kiris...",  
"Three idiot clones...",  
"Ouch! Blood! What?!My line?!Oh yeah, brothers and die, or something...",  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Six bullet-time flips..." Obviously, that came from Grey Fox, who was backflipping erratically across the stage, attacking the stage crew. Eventually the evil chorus line that was assembled managed to calm him down. But still, seven men died horribly that day.  
"Five SEALs to kill..."  
"Four Hari-Kiris..."  
"Three idiot clones..."  
"Mind if I just sit here and bleed for a while? No?! Fine, two brothers who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Seven feet of vision..." was Faceless Guard Four's line. Sure, it was technically impossible to give good vision as a christmas gift, but I have made it my life's work to illustrate the poor eyesight of MGS guards.  
"Six bullet-time flips..."  
"Five SEALs to kill..."  
"Four Hari-Kiris..."  
"Three idiot clones..."  
"Two brothers who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Eight traitorous dogs..." Came from Colonel Gurlukovich. He was literally screaming it at the top of his lungs, at Ocelot. The russian gunslinger was tempted to pull out his SAA and eliminate his old friend. But considering the aggravated state of the singers, he decided it wouldn't be prudent to be the first one to pull out a gun.  
"Seven feet of vision..."  
"Six bullet-time flips..."  
"Five SEALs to kill..."  
"Four Hari-Kiris..."  
"Three idiotic clones..."  
"Two brothers who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Nine volf-dog puppies..." Wolf said. Which wasn't true. Otacon had given her a Gundam DVD box set. That's when she sicced her wolves on him. Last Wolf had seen, he was running eastward.  
"Eight traitorous dogs..."  
"Seven feet of vision..."  
"Six bullet-time flips..."  
"Five SEALs to kill..."  
"Four Hari-Kiris..."  
"Three idiotic clones..."  
"Two brother's who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Ten... thousand bullets..." Raven said, hefting his gun. He really liked that gift. Vulcan cannons use up ammo fast.  
"Nine volf-dog pups..."  
"Eight traitorous dogs..."  
"Seven feet of vision..."  
"Six bullet-time flips..."  
"Five SEALs to kill..."  
"Four Hari-Kiris..."  
"Three idiot clones..."  
"Two brothers who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Eleven morons around me singing." Mantis said. He looked around. The choraliers were in a bad mood already, and he had to open his big mouth. Even if you are the world's most powerful telepath, it doesn't make much sense to piss off the world's greatest soldier, his sons, a ninja, a GRU officer, a sociopathic Artificial Intelligence construct, a vampire, a sniper, a shaman, and a crazy Russian gunslinger, all in the same breath.  
After the beating, they carried on "Ten thousand bullets..."  
"Nine volf-dog pups..."  
"Eight traitorous dogs..."  
"Seven feet of vision..."  
"Six bullet-time flips..."  
"Five SEALs to kill..."  
"Four Hari-Kiris..."  
"Three idiot clones..."  
"Two brothers who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."  
"Twelve Wiseman's names... DAMN THE PATRIOTS!" Solidus yelled, stamping on Mantis's broken, bleeding body. The others, realizing that the end was in sight, ignored his tirade.  
"FUCK! THE PAIN! HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO MERCY?!" Mantis whined, then looked at the crowd of assorted terrorists and killers. "Oh, right... uh, eleven bandages..."  
"Ten thousand bullets..."  
"Nine volf-dog pups..."  
"Eight traitorous dogs..."  
"Seven feet of vision..."  
"Six bullet-time flips..."  
"Five SEALs to kill..."  
"Four Hari-Kiris..."  
"Three idiot clones..."  
"Two brothers who'll die..."  
"And Liquid's mind in a transplant.".

"Zere. Vinally, ve're done." Wolf said, relieved. She forgot to call off her dogs, and she hoped Otacon wasn't hurt... too badly.

"Yes, agreed."Gray Fox said. "I really found that most annoying. Ah well, here's to hoping this is the last time DarkGidora pulls something like this.". The others embarked on similar tirades

Snake, after sulking in the corner for a while, stepped up. "That was pitiful guys. You people suck at singing,", then, gesturing towards Mantis, he said "And couldn't you at least go 5 minutes without violently attacking someone?".

Of course, with a song about numbers, slowly, the wheels had turned in the villains' heads. "Twelve days of Christmas, twelve villains. Twelve villains, one Snake." Faceless number 4 said, slowly coming to a conclusion the rest had reached since the first verse.

"Actually, only eleven. You count as a half, since you're a henchman. And Mantis's spine is broken in seven places, so that lowers his ranking." Liquid chimed in. "Still, we do outnumber him eleven to one."

As they turned to face Snake, he was gone... leaving only a box covered in wrapping paper with the words "do not open until christmas". After a chorus of swear words and inquisitions, the villains stormed off to search for Snake. Of course, we all know that they should've looked more carefully at the box...

So, after the villains departed, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake, Meryl walked up on stage, and tapped the box.

"Snake?".

"Meryl, are they gone?".

"Uh, yeah.".

"Good. Uh, by the way, can you do something for me?".

"What?".

"I uh, forgot to punch airholes through the wrapping paper. I'm running out of air open the box".

"No. This box is addressed to Sam Fisher. Isn't it illegal to open someone else's christmas presents? And why the hell are you sending a box to Sam Fisher?".

"Well, you see, I planned on placing a bunch of C-4 and claymores in the box and setting it to detonate once it was opened, then when the villains decided to attack me, I just tossed myself in the first box I saw. But I didn't put the bombs in yet, so you can just...".

Meryl cut him off before he could finish his train of thought. "Snake, what about the spirit of Christmas?! You ask the villains to be nice and sing, but you yourself are trying to kill the guy from Splinter Cell." She said, criticizing Snake's hypocrisy.

"Sorry... running... out of... air...we can... discuss... the moralistic... meaning of... Christmas... once I... can... breathe... okay?" He said, doing his best William Shatner impersonation.

"Fine.". With that, Meryl opened the box, and our oxygen-deprived hero was abled to breathe air again.

"So, have you learned your lesson Snake?" Meryl asked.

"Uh yeah. Next year, I'll stop trying to kill Sam Fisher. Too bad about Gabe though.".

"What did you send Gabe Logan?" Meryl sighed, knowing Snake had done something bothamazingly viscious and amazinglystupid.

"A Christmas card laced with FOXdie..." Snake said apoligetically.

"Snake...".

Snake, realizing that he still had all of Christmas in front of him, spoke again. "Eh, forget it. It's Christmas. Let's not worry about my murdering the competition, or the pack of supervillains I've inadvertantly provoked into goingout and sowing chaos and destruction, let's just celebrate the true meaning of the holidays.".

"You mean getting wasted on Tequila and Guinness, and watching Die Hard over and over?!" Meryl said, enthusiastically.

"If all goes well, yup.".

"GLEE!" She said, and the two walked off.

As they left, a random audience member walked up on stage, and spoke one of the most cliched lines ever. "God bless us, every one.".

Unfortunately for the Tiny Tim impersonator, Liquid decided to pay another visit to the stage to investigate the box. He brought along Metal Gear REX. "Jesus. That's the most cliched thing I ever heard. Well, I guess I have to shoot something, and since Snake's not here...".

* * *

And so it came to pass on that Christmas Day, Liquid Snake wiped the speaker of cliches off the map. He recieved great applause from the rest of the crowd for doing so. 

Solidus was sent a tape of all the Saturday Night Live episodes during his presidency. The Patriots love to piss that guy off.

Wolf managed to call off her dogs before Otacon suffered irreversable damage. He promised to neverassume she liked anime again. He bought her a new Christmas gift, but she was too high on diazepam to realize what she got, though it was most likely more diazepam.

The AI Colonel got a pair of scissors. 61!

Random Guard 4 got a new set of contact lenses. This granted him improved vision, and he was shortly thereafter fired from the Next Generation Special Forces, once it was realized he was no longer legally blind.

Mantis hada paid vacation and a trip to John Hopkins Medical Center. He is expected to walk sometime in July.

Ocelot recieved the complete works of Clint Eastwood. Needless to say, the Russian Gunslinger spent Christmas in front of his DVD player.

Sergei Gurlukovich received several cases of vodka, as well as various illegal narcotics. He was shortly thereafter found in a local mall, decrying capitalism and declaring himself the Czarina of Tokyo.

Vamp spent a relaxing Christmas day with the Dolph family. He recieved a band-aid to cover the bigass gunshot in the center of his forhead.

Raven recieved a shirt. This made him very happy, as it was the first shirt he ever owned.

Sam Fisher,who was easilySnake's equal in stupidity,sent Snake a box filled with rabid badgers, unfortunately, he messed up the address. On Christmas day, he should not have opened the box marked "Return to Sender". He spent New Year's with Mantis, at John Hopkins...

Big Boss recieved nothing but death threats (From Liquid). He didn't give a damn.

Gray Fox also recieved coal. In a related story, 50 elves, 12 reigndeer, and one obese man were found recently murdered at the North Pole, dead of various causes including impalement, decapitation, blunt force trauma, strangulation, and in one case, being run over by a sleigh.

* * *

Happy Holidays, everyone.  
--DarkGidora 


	8. Back in the swing of things

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Metal Gear Solid.  
Also, Nuclear weapons are bad, kids. Tell your parents.  
Also, Sorry if this chapter seemsa little rushed. I couldn't really think of anything to write for the tank battle.

* * *

As we last left our hero (before the holiday season), he had beat FOX-Hound's homicidal Russian mercenary, only to run into FOX-Hound's homicidal Eskimo mercenary. Of course, in the interest of self-preservation, Vulcan Raven had decided to bring a tank to the battle. And so this chapter begins... 

"Snake, that M-1 tank has heavy armor, shooting at it is useless." Nastasha Romenenko said over the codec.

"Let's see. It's big, and made out of metal... Who'd woulda thought that shooting wouldn't work?!" Snake said. "What other stunning revelations do you have to give?!".

"I would avoid getting hit by it's main gun.".

"Wow. Thank God you told me that, I never would've guess that a Hundred-twenty millimeter hole in my torso would be bad.".

"If you get in close, you should watch out, as it could run over you. This is very bad." The Russian analyst said.

"Nastasha, you are, without parallel, the most idiotic person I've talked to within, uh, however long it was since that guy called about the landmines.".

"Uh, Snake, that was three minutes ago.".

"Yeah, well, uh... shit. I'm surrounded by idiots...".

"Listen, I'm not the one who's life depends upon getting hints about the tank's weak points.".

"True, but all you've given me are it's strengths. It's big, can crush things, and has a hugeass cannon. Any worthwhile advice?!".

"Actually, yes. You got chaff grenades, right?".

"Yup.".

"You can use chaff grenades to jam the tank's main gun, then you can pop a fragmentation grenade down the thing's hatch." Nastasha said, finally giving Snake some good advice.

And so, Snake did as he was told, throwing the chaff grenade, then running headlong at the tank. As he crossed the halfway point of the snowfield, he realized that he forgot something important. In fact, he forgot the most important thing one should remember when using a chaff grenade to jam a tank's 120 millimeter gun. He forgot to pull the pin...

And thus, he managed, once again, to break the surly bonds of gravity, and again, landed headfirst on a hard surface. As he got up shakily, he darted behind another rock formation, this time remembering to pull the pin on the chaff grenade.

As he raced towards the steel behemoth, he pulled out a frag grenade. The gunner's hatch on the tank popped open, and the gunner (Faceless Guard number 167) began spraying the area in front of him with fire from his M2 machine gun. Of course, he was a Genome Soldier, so as long as he did the firing, Snake had nothing to fear.

Snake popped the grenade down the hatch, and instead of throwing it back, the guard continued to waste ammo missing Snake. As the grenade blew up, the guard was launched into the air,sailing over Snake's head.

"DAMN! STEVE!!" Another soldier yelled within the tank. Faceless Guard number 247 pulled himself through the hatch, and proceeded to decide to claim vengeance for his fallen friend. As he squeezed the trigger, Snake leapt to the side. Unfortunately, Faceless Guard 167 was not dead yet. In fact, he might've gotten better had FG 247 not punched about three dozen .50 caliber holes in his upper torso.

After accidently shredding his buddy with a machine gun, Faceless 247 blinked, looked climbed back into the tank, and curled himself into a fetal ball position. "Jesus. Great, we're running out of guards." Raven said to the tank driver, as he grabbed the last of the Genomes he had on supply, and shoved him through the hatch.

"We'll see how you like this." Faceless Guard 927 grabbed the machine gun, trying to intimidate Snake. Unfortunately, while the terrorists in the armored vehicle were talking, Snake managed to toss another grenade down the hatch. Like parachute beta testers and insane people who believe they could fly before him, Faceless 927 experienced the wonders of flight, seconds before landing in a boneless heap on the ground.

Snake looked at the corpse, stealing, the man's credit cards and some chewing gum. He also found another keycard, this time level 3, higher than what the Chief and Baker had given him. As he left, he began to ponder what he would find in the Nuke Storage building. _Well, definately not Raven. I mean, he must've been destroyed when the grenade turned his tank into a giant hunk of scrap. He's dead._

* * *

Of course, common sense hadn't had much practice that day, so as soon as Snake entered the building, the commander's hatch on the tank popped open. Speaking over a CODEC, the man named Raven said "Boss, yeah, he got the card.". 

The Evil British Voice (tm) "Good. We'll play with him a little while longer.".

"Yeah, he blew up a tank with a combination of useless advice and hand grenades. I'd say we shouldn't underestimate him." Raven spoke the understatement of the year.

"Dudes! No one told me we had three-way calling on this thing!" Ocelot said, cutting in to the evil conversation.

"So, General Ivan, I heard you couldn't beat him. If you meet him again, I'll lend a HAND! Nyahahahaha!" Raven said, thinking he was the cleverest man alive. Oh, how very wrong he was.

"Dude, your puns suck. And one question, why do you carry that bigass Gatling gun? Compensating for something?" Ocelot said over the radio.

"Wow, I've never hear that line before. Very original." The Eskimo replied, sarcastically.

"Both of you, shut it! You're both assholes, if you ask me!" The boss said over the radio.

"Listen Blondie, at least I didn't get crap genes from a vicious bastard father." Raven said.

"Ooooo, burn." Ocelot said, laughing.

"I'll admit, it was a pretty good burn... for someone who has the same range of emotions as a 2x4.".

"What did you just say?!".

"Face it, a documentary on the indigenous wildlife of the Alaskan tundra is more interesting to listen to than you.".

"Okay Liquid, stay wherever you are! I'm going to crush your skull!".

"Bring it!".

"Idiots..." Ocelot said as he signed off.

* * *

Inside the Nuclear Warhead Storage building, Snake faced his greatest foe yet, a blast door, halfway closed. Crawling under it, Snake prepared to whip out he SOCOM and deal with the guards. He found he couldn't. His CODEC began ringing. 

"Snake, you cannot use your weapons in that area, it's filled with deactivated nukes." Campbell said.

"Don't worry Colonel, I've programmed the nanomachines to keep him from firing at all." Naomi chimed in. Luckily, she opted to not give a lecture on how the tiny robots she injected into him could prevent him from pulling a trigger.

"Why the Hell can't I shoot!" Snake said.

"You see, that area is filled with deactivated nuclear missiles. A rupture in one of the warheads could be catastrophic.".

"Right, so I assume If I get spotted, the guards won't shoot?" Snake said.

"Nope, they'll still fire indiscriminately at your general area. Also, they'll flood the entire area with poison gas".

"That sounds pretty fair." Snake declared sarcastically. "Any other bad news?".

"Yep, if you need any more info, talk to Nastasha.".

"C'mon. What's she going to tell me?" Snake said, grinding his teeth. "Nukes are bad?".

"C'mon Snake, Nastasha is an expert with nuclear weapons. I'm sure you could learn a lot about them from her." Naomi said, helping out her fellow inane-speech sayer.

"Fine." The soldier grumbled as he changed the frequency.

"I can see you are in a building with nuclear weapons. Nukes are very bad. I hate nukes. Don't trust anyone who says that they aren't." Nastasha said as Snake viewed his prophecy come true.

"Uh, I finally see your point in the game..." Snake said, glad he finally figured something out. "You're a stand in for Hideo Kojima as he denounces nuclear weapons."

"Wow, it only took you, uh, six chapters. Very good." Nastasha said as she signed off the codec.

And so, after passing by 2 more visually impaired guards, Snake made it to the elevator. And thus he began his further descent into stupidity.


	9. Highway to Hell

Disclaimer: Metal Gear Solid is property of Konami. Does anyone even read this anymore?

Didn't Think so.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

"Snake, you haven't contacted us in a while." Campbell said, via CODEC, to his reluctant lackey. "I need you to get this over with quickly.".

"Colonel, I can explain..." Snake started, but he was promptly cut off.

"Snake, if your explanation has anything to do with tequila, cheap hookers in the Swiss Alps, the Japanese Mafia, and Tony Danza, I don't want to hear it.".

"Uh..." Snake said, trying to think of a new excuse. "I uh... well, you see, the author's been busy, engaging in brutal vigilante raids on the violent criminal underbelly of his town. Or playing Ace Combat 5. Or looking for a damn job. Or whatever the hell he does when he gets free time.".

"Oh yeah Snake, blame it on the author." Campbell said, wishing Snake had stuck with his Tony Danza excuse. "Stop breaking the fourth wall. This is based off a Hideo Kojima game. Suspension of disbelief is critical.".

"Right." The soldier said, signing off. _Idiot._

And thus, Snake began exploring B-1 of the Nuclear Warhead Storage building. Turning to either side, he spotted something extraordinary. He quickly called Campbell back.

"Colonel, I just noticed something strange!" He said excitedly over his magical radio.

"What is it Snake! Did you finally connect the dots between the injection Naomi gave you and the trail of people you've 'rescued', who've died from heart attacks after some soul crushingly dense narrative!". _Damn, that's the twist in the plot. If he figures it out, all the physical emotional torment that the script calls for him to go through won't happen, and I'll lose my bet, _Campbell thought grimly. Unbeknownst to Snake, the Colonel, Naomi, and Liquid Sna- er, I mean Master Miller had bet each other on when Snake would figure out the horrible secret.

"What? No, I was just thinking, the only rest rooms I've seen in the facility are these, and the ones in the cellblock. So, do the guards and FOX-HOUNDers have to traipse through 9 miles of deathtraps and snow just to go to the john, or do they hold it?" Snake said. Campbell breathed a sigh of relief. Not only had the deadly Black Ops agent laid his fears to rest, he managed to leave the impression that he wouldn't figure it out for a long, long time.

"Oh, don't worry about it. Just sneak into the bathroom and snap some guards' necks, for freedom stuff. Buh-bye now." Campbell said, hanging up.

* * *

_Makes sense, I guess_. And thus Snake snuck into the men's restroom, snapped the neck of Faceless Guard number 172, who had been washing his hands. Of course, just like everyone, when washing his hands, he was totally oblivious to deadly assassins sneaking up on him. 

After having waxed FG 172, Snake spotted yet another guard on his radar. Snake quickly did what any Special Forces soldier would do in his situation. Hide in a box.

From the safety of his cardboard box, Snake watched as Faceless guard 194 stared at FG 172's corpse for five minutes, walked over, bent down slowly and took a pulse. Snake flipped off his box, and proceeded to kung fu FG 194's ass. Lucky for him, FG 194 was like everyone, when checking the pulse of a possibly deceased comrade when there was an intruder on base, he was totally oblivious to Black Ops agents leaping out of boxes and punching him in the face.

Finally, he equipped his trusty cardboard box (which, for all intents and purposes might as well have been Sauron's fricking ring with it's invisibilty granting powers), and went for the last faceless guard. Unfortunately, with no bodies to distract him, FG 666 realized that the box Snake had was marked "Heliport". Obviously, a heliport box would only be at a heliport, so an inturder must've been using the box as a disguise. Yep, Faceless guards have all the acuteness of Helen Keller, but they easily have leaps of logic that Evel Kinevel would be afraid to make.

And thus, one quick radio call later, a bunch more guards appeared from nowhere, and proceeded to try and kill the hell out of Snake. Gunfire was exchanged. Guards were torn apart like it was Madness Combat, without a Sheriff or Jesus. Unfortunately, Snake's moment of glory was cut short. After taking a few rounds to the chest, Snake fell to the ground, everything growing black. As he faded out, he saw his beloved box. It too, had taken a shot.

The moral of this story is, if you want to live, don't shoot a cardboard box belonging to Solid Snake. Filled with a rage more than demonical, he got up and blasted all the guards to hell. Then shot them a few more times, just because he was pissed off. His CODEC rang.

* * *

"YEAH!" He growled. 

"Uh, Snake, um, you seem to have been shot in the chest." Naomi said, pondering how the hell anyone could get up after having his lungs shredded. "I'd say you should be dead.".

"They shot my box." Snake said. His rage had subsided. Now, only sadness remained.

"Right, I'd think some packing tape would fix that. As for you, I'd say you'd need hours of extensive reconstructive surgery, and months, maybe years of therapy." Naomi said. _So, he kills hundreds of people with out remorse, yet gets real pissed off if you damage a fricken cheap cardboard box. Idiot._

"Uh, Naomi, I don't have time for surgery, and I think the blood loss is getting to me.".

"Oh, well, do you have a ration?" the Doctor said.

Picking one off the corpse of one of assault team guards, he said "Uh, yeah, but how is that going to help me, uh, not die?".

"Just trust me. Eat the ration." _You've still got 10 more hours of antinuclear, antiscientific babble, interrupted by insane violence, to go_.

And so Snake ate the ration, and Lo, his health was restored. "Wait. I ate a military ration. How the hell does that heal what should've been an instantly fatal wound?".

"Magic, I guess.".

"Wait, no long winded discourse on the how it effects my genes?".

"Nope, I just guess you're kinda like Wolverine, except you only heal when you eat.".

"Cooooooooooooooooool. Do I have claws?" Snake said, excitedly.

"Um, I'm a trained medical professional, and I'd say the best way to find out is to just carry on with your mission and eventually die of a certain death virus." Naomi said, then signed off.

And thus Snake began pillaging the B-1 area. The only door he could open with his keycard contained something that was in every game ever: A shoulder-fired missile launcher. He decided, partially because he was giddy at the thought of his mutant healing ability, to call Nastasha and ask for the specifics of the weapon.

"That is a remote-controlled reconnaissance missile, or Nikita. I could bore you on the details, but I need this time to talk about nukes." Snake clicked off. He figured "remote-controlled" was all he needed to know. And despite the fact that he was carrying over 20 rockets and a launcher, he wasn't slowed down at all.

* * *

As he left the Nikita room, he saw one of the dead guards stand up. Before he could ask, the guard explained. "I am Faceless Guard 666. Because DarkGidora felt like being random, I have been granted otherworldly powers. You stand no chance. You will die now, muwhahahahahahahahahah..." 

Because Snake was busy, he just slapped a block of C-4 to FG 666's chest. One detonator press later, and FG 666 was decorating the walls. Of course, his amazingly intact head kept taunting Snake.

"Ow, damn. That really stings. But no matter, your death is inevitable. You can't stop me with your pathetic hu-man weapons, hu-man! I am Faceless Guard 666, leader of the legions of Baal! Captain of Hades! Head somethingorother of Lucifer! Kneel before me!.".

Snake punted the head into a wall, just for kicks. "C'mon man. Head "Something or other?" Not to mention Baal, Hades, and Lucifer are all from different religions. You're making this up. You sound as stupid as the writers for the Sci-Fi channel." Snake said, wondering why he was even wasting his time on the reject.

But FG 666 was unfazed by this. "Nevertheless Solid Snake, I will destroy you! Muwhahahaha...". He then rolled over to Snake's foot, tapping it lightly. Obviously, that just annoyed our hero. Sighing, he lifted the head up, carried it to the restroom, and dumped it in the sink.

"You think your mortal sink can stop me Snake! I will be here long after your bones are dust!". Snake turned the faucet on. "You think your water affects me! You will die screaming, begging for deliverance!".

Of course, when you live in a Una-bomber style cabin in Twin Lakes, Alaska, there's not much to do most of the time. Snake had rented a certain horror flick from the local Blockbuster, and when that branch was destroyed by an avalanche, he didn't feel the need to return it, and so watched it whenever it was too cold to go outside. And his repeated viewings helped, as Snake began chanting. "The power of Christ compels you!" over and over. And because the author decided to end this chapter soon, the head of Faceless Guard 666 blew up, without vomiting green gunk or saying evil things, and without Snake needing to recite Bible passages or have assistance from a young priest.

* * *

And thus, Snake boarded the elevator to floor B-2. Stepping off, he passed through the glass doors, before noticing the air turned yellow and wavy, and he couldn't breathe. Again he received a call. 

"Snake, uh, there's poison gas in the area. I'd use a gasmask, if I wasn't in a Darth Vaderesque mecha shell." The voice on the other end said. It was the mysterious contact Snake had heard from before the tank battle.

"So, my old friend Deepthroat. Not a fan of the ladies, huh?".

"Stop it! I'm not gay! Just a masochistic cyborg in a disturbingly tight exosuit!".

"I'm just joking. Christ, my name's 'Solid Snake'. I don't meet a lot of guys with a more ennui-laden name than mine. I just can't resist the opportunity." Snake said, walking forward. He was having such as good time mocking out his contact, he didn't notice the sparking metal grating in front of him.

**Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppp!**

"Ouch. That hurt." Snake said to his friend.

"Yeah, the floor is an electrical grid. You'd need a remote controlled missile to blow out the generator. I would've warned you, but no, you had to mock out good old Deepthroat.".

"Ah, I guess that would explain things. Buh-bye." Our incompetent moron of a protagonist said, switching frequencies, calling up Meryl.

"Hey Snake, ready for another round of work-related phone sex?" Meryl said, taking off her mask.

"Uh, not right now, I kinda need a gasmask before I suffocate, and I'd really like to know where they are.".

"Ah Snake, they're on your floor, past the electrical grid. Guess you have to blow up the generator while fighting off the cold embrace of death. Sure you don't want to flirt?" Meryl said, hope filling her eyes.

"Once... I... can... breathe... again...".

And thus, he began using his remote controlled missiles against that damn generator. And yes, he failed miserably at blowing it up, mainly due to the security cameras with chainguns mounted on them that served as security for the area. After wasting 12 missles, and 15 minutes, he finally succeeded in blasting the generator, largely because the guncams had run out of ammo. So, after dragging his oxygen-deprived carcass over the metal grating, he finally found a gasmask.

And thus, he learned a valuable life lesson: a gasmask doesn't work if you don't have any air left in your lungs. So he valiantly staged a strategic retreat, having hallucinated a giant rat chasing him. Passing through the glass doors he entered, he finally could breathe actual oxygen.

And thus, able to breathe again, and noticing that there really was no giant rat, he went back down the corridor, gasmask on his face. Turning to his left at the end of the corridor, he found a door covered in graffiti, mainly pertaining to it being the lab of Baker's tech guy, Hal Emmerich.

_Hm. Baker told me that his tech guy, Hal Emmerich, was the guy I was should save next. Maybe someone in here knows where to find him._ And thus, Snake journeyed on, unaware of the sheer badassedry he would soon be fighting.

* * *

**Author's note**: Sorry it took so long to update. I've been busy (Ace Combat and a job hunt take up more time than you'd think, and homework takes the rest.), and spring break just started for my school. Ah well, I promise I'll get the next chapter up sooner. Anyways, thanks to all my reviewers, you've been great. 


	10. Close Quaters Kombat

Disclaimer: As usual, Metal Gear doesn't belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

"Hey Tony?" Faceless guard 9,742 asked his comrade, Faceless Guard 21.

"Yeah Bill, what is it?".

"Well, I was just thinking. We're in the way of a hostage that the supersoldier is supposed to be fetching.".

"Your point being?".

"Well, I was just thinking. Based on what happened with Baker and the DARPA Chief, you'd think a plot device would happen right about know, just so that tension is built up before an upcoming boss encounter.".

"A plot device? Like what?". Faceless Guard 21's answer came in the form of a predatorish transparent silhouette appearing and, in the most technical of terms, going completely fucking insane. Remember kids, getting blindsided and attacked by a cyborg ninja is just like falling asleep. In a jet engine.

And so the guards were torn apart by the ninja. The guards tried their best "Indiana Jones fighting a cocky arabian swordsman guy" impression, but the ninja blocked their bullets. One guard, who was unlucky enough to run out of ammo, just ditched his rifle and charged at the ninja with a knife. I think we all know how that turned out.

* * *

As Snake passed through the doorway to the hall outside Hal Emmerich's lab, he suddenly heard a voice shout out "Freeze", followed by various fight noises. A normal man might've been wary, but a Black Ops assassin who has T-1000esque regeneration as long as he has military rations wasn't exactly normal. 

As he entered the hallway, he noticed someone had been busy decorating. Blood, limbs, and various internal organs were left dumped around the walls, floors, and ceilings. "Looks like they were cut by some type of blade." Snake said. Not only was this a trenchant observation, it was also pretty fucking obvious.

Of course, since our hero isn't exactly the world's greatest detective, he was unable to fathom the simple concept of Ninja plus Sword equals Dead genome soldiers. So he decided to call Meryl.

* * *

"This pile of corpses. Meryl, is this your handiwork?" He asked. 

Sighing, the rookie replied "Snake, look at the facts. I am a rookie with no actual combat experience before this date. I had to be yelled at by you for five minutes before I started firing at the guards that were trying to kill us. Of course it was me who shredded apart a dozen heavily armed guards using a mixture of Kung Fu and swordplay in under five seconds.".

"Really?"

"No, I was being sarcastic. Moron." Meryl said, signing off. _Why are all the good looking ones idiots?_

* * *

Back at the hallway, Snake walked past the blood splatters, looking for clues. One unique looking splatter read "Ninja was here. Love, G. Fox. XOXOXOXOXO". _Wow. I wonder who could've done this, _Our hero thought. 

A guard shambled down the corridor, managing to say "I-It's a ghost..." before dying. Hearing more assault rifle fire, snake rushed down the corner. Well, he would've, but he slipped on some blood, slid face first into a wall, and knocked himself out. After coming to, he recommenced investigating. As he rounded the corner of the hallway, he saw the ninja cyborg standing over the body of an impaled genome soldier, his katana and armor drenched in blood.

_Hey, that's the guy who helped me out with Ocelot. Maybe he knows who killed all these guards. _Not noticing Snake, the ninja sliced open the door to Emmerich's lab, activated his stealth, and walked in. Eager to find out who was behind the killings, Snake rushed after him.

* * *

Hal Emmerich was busy watching pirated episodes of Trigun on one of the computers, but when he saw the ninja, he freaked out an ran. Of course, being a stereotypical nerd, he tripped over his own two feet, and he began fleeing from the cyborg on his hands and knees. 

Alas, our engineer friend backed himself into a corner. Becoming visible again, the Cyborg Ninja waved his katana in a threatening manner as he said "Where is my friend?".

Of course, seeing as Emmerich had been locked away in his lab past the electrified floor and poison gas, sequestered from all events of the past nine chapters, he could only say "What? What are you talking about?".

"I'm looking for a guy. Kinda idiotic. Wears a bandana and bulletproof vest. Now, tell me before I go Snake Eyes on your ass.".

"I don't know anything! I swear. I just know I shouldn't of drank all that water!" Emmerich said, and then he wet his pants.

Snake, who had up until then remained silent, felt he had to say something. "Dude, the bathrooms are only one floor up. Jesus.".

Of course, that alerted a certain someone to his presence. "Snake!" The ninja said, in his very badass voice.

Snake had, over the course of the past five minutes, realized his metallic japanese assassin friend had been behind the murder of the guards. But, as alway, he just couldn't resist the urge to state the obvious. "You're that ninja.".

"I've been waiting for you, Snake.".

"What is it with everyone. Ocelot was waiting for me, Raven was waiting for me. And dude, I came here five seconds after you. That doesn't count as waiting!".

"Ah, damn. Let me rephrase. I've waited a long time for this day. Now, I want to enjoy the moment." The ninja said.

Meanwhile in the background, the nerd decided to truly prove that he was a hopeless geek. "This is like one of my Japanese animes.". Meanwhile, both Snake and the Ninja thought the same thing._ Christ. What kind of anime character has bladder control problems? Man, I hope he's not thinking of some hentai. That would be just, just... ick._

Snake decided to get back on task. "What is this about anyway?" Snake said, hoping that if he talked enough, the ninja would have a heart attack and everything would be fine.

"I will kill you, or you will kill me. It makes not difference. Well, I guess it does make a difference to the millions of people who'll be turned into radioactive dust if you lose, but anyway...".

At that point, Emmerich decided to duck inside a locker. Just like in high school. Except that there weren't any football players shoving him in.

Glad to be rid of the scientist, the ninja once again spoke. "Ha, fine! He can watch from inside there.".

"I need that man, keep your hands off him. Wait, that didn't come out right. Crap. Let's just fight." Snake said, holstering his gun and raising his fists.

"Now! Make me feel it, make me feel alive again!" The ninja shouted, flipping his blade around.

And thus, as the theme from Mortal Kombat began to play, Snake and the ninja charged. Ducking an attempt to behead him, Snake punched the ninja in the jaw. Of course, the ninja was covered in high quality metal.

As Snake clutched his fist and swore, the ninja backflipped across the room. Putting his sword away, he said. "That's good. Now we can fight as warriors. Hand to hand, it is the basis of all combat. Only a fool would trust his life to a weapon.". So not only was the ninja a deadly fighter, he was also a military historian.

Of course, he was too busy gloating to notice Snake sneaking up on him. Of course, the ninja super strong and fast, like Spider-Man. So Snake's attempt to snap his neck ended with Snake sent flying into a nearby wall.

Seeing that a change in tactics was in order. Snake decided to ask everybody he knew for advice. So he activated his CODEC.

* * *

Campbell was useless. "Uh, I'm just here to remind you of your mission and be occasionally argumentative.".

* * *

"Snake, I don't have any clue who that is. He is definitely not my adoptive brother who you killed and who was resurrected as a cyborg. KICK HIS ASS FRANKIE!" Naomi said. Snake moved on before she could even start about genes.

* * *

"Snake, Confucius once said 'Run the fuck away, you retard!'. I think you should listen to his advice." Mei Ling said. Thanks to pain induced dementia, Snake was confident enough to decide against it.

* * *

"He's wearing a powered exoskeleton. It increases his strength, speed, and durability to superhuman levels. I think you should... uh, damn, I got nothing." Came from Nastasha.

* * *

"He wants to fight you hand to hand." Master said. It's good to know that if Snake died, someone else could state the obvious.

* * *

"I'm a rookie, and you're a deadly mercenary, and you're asking me for combat tips? Aw,That's so sweet. We should really go out, unless he does a fatality." came from Meryl.

* * *

Deepthroat didn't respond.

* * *

So, with his support crew useless, Snake just decided to improvise. And by that, I mean he shot himself in the leg so that the pain in his hands didn't seem as bad. The ninja was so busy laughing at Snake hopping on one foot, swearing at his gun, at Heckler und Koch, and at the man who invented firearms, that he was unprepared when Snake punched him in the face, twice, then roundhouse kicked him on his ass. 

Snake and the ninja began fighting anew, with the ninja jumpkicking Snake through a glass panel, only to be tossed into a computer back when Snake got up. The room was destroyed. Snake was sent flying through a bookshelf. The ninja got shoved, facefirst into a computer screen. And then, the most horrible thing happened. As the grappled, one of them smashed the Playstation that was sitting in the center workbench. Immediately, both of them screamed "I ain't paying for it!", while in the real world, a tear formed in DarkGidora's eye.

And so the battle raged, the stuff of legend. After a while of fierce back and forth fighting, the ninja once again backflipped. "That's good Snake.". Activating his stealth camo, he said "Hurry up and catch me.". He then backflipped again, into the corner where Hal Emmerich had hid. "W-woah! ARGH! DAMNIT! SON OF A BITCH!".

"Slipped on the wet spot?" Snake bemused.

"Uh, yeah. Ow. My ass.".

Hoping to end the fight soon, Snake said "Should we just keep going?"

"Sure." Ninja said, backflipping again while invisible. Of course, Snake tossed on his thermal goggles, so the ninja was totally exposed. He just didn't know that._ Don't move, Frank. He can't see you if you don't move._ That's when he Snake uppercutted him into next week.

Again, the ninja leapt across the room. Dropping down to one knee, clutching his chest, and realizing it was at least half a chapter since the last creepy Freudian piece of dialogue, he clutched his fist and said "Like old times? I've been waiting for this pain!". So you can add 'masochist' to the ninja's list of careers.

"Okay." Snake said, rushing towards the ninja and punching. And of course, like all ninja, the cyborg disappeared into thin air. Except this ninja decided to reappear behind Snake and punch him in the back of the skull.

This cycle of the ninja teleporting and punching went on for fifteen minutes, before Snake, devouring a ration, decided to do something he saw in every Kung Fu movie, and, in many episodes of Batman: The Animated Series. As the ninja teleported, Snake stood, looked forward, and just swung his right fist back. And lo and behold, the ninja was knocked on his ass.

"More! More!" The ninja said, getting a little bit creepier every time he got hit.

**THWACK!**

"Do you remember Snake? The feel of battle? The clashing of bone and sinew?".

**BAM!**

"Hurt me more!"

**Pow!**

"That's it! I remember, that punch!"

**RANDOM PUNCH NOISE!**

"AGAIN!"

And so this continued until the ninja's lifebar fell to zero. At which point, he stood up, began convulsing, his exoskeleton began to overload, energy blasting out of it. Everything in a five foot radius was destroyed.

Of course, Snake still had some common sense, so he knew when a masochistic cyborg military ninja historian began screaming and surrounds himself with a blue electrical field, it might be the wrong time to be using kung fu. So, he just raised his FAMAS and pulled the trigger. It took a full clip, but finally, the electricity died down and the ninja fell to his knees.

"-cough-I felt that Snake." The ninja said. Considering the battle had raged for a good half hour, he had been tossed into a computer bank, Snake had bashed him over the head with the broken Playstation, and he had just been shot 25 times with 5.56mm bullets, yeah, I'd reckon that would hurt just a tiny bit.

Standing up, he once again spoke. "Do you remember me now!".

"Uh, Burt Reynolds?".

"-Sigh- No, dumbass. Guess again."

"Well, it's either Burt Reynolds or my old friend Gray Fox, but I shoved a landmine down his throat six years ago after he blew up his fiancé accidently with a Metal Gear. Wait a minute. Crap. Did I just sound like an idiot?".

"Yep.".

"Should we just go back to before I said Burt Reynolds?".

"Fine.".

"Okay.". Snake then spoke in amazement "Th-that can't be. You were killed in Zanzibar.".

And they stood there for a few minutes before the next convienient plot point. "Th-the medicine!" Fox screamed, and just like he did after the fight with Ocelot, he convulsed. This time, he began bashing his head into the floor.

"What's going on!" Snake demanded. Obviously, Snake had seen a few strange things, but his deceased cyborg buddy headbutting the carpet was one of the strangest.

"I-I'm losing myself..." Fox said cryptically. And thus, he backflipped again, and rushed out of the room.

Pondering what the hell "the medicine" meant, Snake deduced his friend was just having a nicotine fit. And so, he decided to call his superiors and report this strange occurrence, and then talk to Hal Emmerich.

_Man. With all that "hurt me more" garbage, Fox had some creepy issues. Christ, I bet Emmerich doesn't have anything that could top that._ Of course, we all know that yes, Emmerich did have stranger issues than Gray Fox.

**To be continued...**

* * *

**Author's Note**: This chapter is the longest one I've written, and that's for one good reason. Gray Fox kicks ass. He's the greatest ninja ever. He's even better than Snake Eyes, Scorpion, and Deathstroke for crying out loud. 

Anyways, if you didn't notice from my Batman and Spider-Man references (and my reference to Deathstroke last paragraph), not only am I a gamer, I'm also a comic book nerd. When we get to the Mantis section, I'll run with that a bit. "You are very powerful indeed. But I know your weakness.".

And finally, I've decided that neither Fox, nor Otacon will speak entirely in 1337. However, Otacon will occasionally (VERY OCCASIONALLY) slip into 1337, just because he's a gr8 h4xx0r. Anyways, thanks for your support. See you next time.


	11. The lost art of conversation

**Disclaimer**: Yep, MGS is still Konami's property, not mine. And I didn't invent 1337 speech (Thank God).

* * *

"Colonel, that ninja is Gray Fox." Our hero said, condensing the last chapter into one handy sentence.

"C'mon Snake, you killed him remember? After you blew up Metal Gear last time, he had the brilliant 'Have a brawl with the deadliest man in the world in the middle of a minefield' idea?".

At that point, Naomi Hunter, our resident hot British chick and psychopathic geneticist chimed in. "Actually, I've been lying to you both all along. That ninja is Fox.".

"Wait a minute. I get the fact that he was resurrected as a cyborg, that's that's practically mandatory for a Sci-Fi/Action game. But why make him a ninja?" Snake asked. "A cyborg is dangerous. A ninja is dangerous. But a cyborg ninja, that's just going really, really overboard.".

"Well, my predecessor, Doctor Clark, decided to try out some gene therapy experiments, and he decided that a random corpse recovered from the fall of Zanzibar land would be as good as any other. After watching a bunch of Akira Kurosawa flicks while in a drunken haze, Clark decided that bringing the corpse back to life as a ninja would be way cooler than if he was just brought back as a cyborg.". She said.

Taking a deep breath, she spoke again. "That evil bastard Clark experimented on Frankie for four years, before a fire broke out, killing everything in the lab, including Fox, or so it seemed. Of course, someone had to let Fox out to start the fire, but I have no idea who it could be. No clue whatsoever. None. Nada.".

"So. Not only do I have a cyborg ninja on my hands, but I have a vengeance crazed, undead, Spec Ops trained cyborg ninja. A word of warning could've been useful.".

"Yes, but c'mon, I didn't tell you because it's classified. No other reason at all. No other cause whatsoever. None. Nada.".

"I assume, seeing as how both of you are still alive, he'll show up again." Campbell said, stating yet another pretty obvious thing.

"Yes Snake, you'll most likely fight him again. I hope you don't have to kill him, but that's not because he's related to me." Naomi chimed in.

"Eh, sure, he tried to crush me into paste with a giant robot, and then punched my face in for a while before I tossed him into a bunch of bombs, but we're still friends. I don't want to kill him." Realizing he was sounding like an ass, he switched topics. "Ah well, I'll just examine this whimpering locker over here." Snake said, signing off the CODEC and approaching Emmerich's locker.

* * *

"W-who's there? Are you a terrorist?" the locker said.

"No. Come out of the locker.". The scientist obliged. And thus he began limping across the room. "What happened?" Snake asked.

"Oh, in traveling2 feet from the corner of the room to the locker, I twisted my ankle.".

"Wow. That's um... kind of impressive. You're Hal Emmerich, Metal Gear REX's designer, right?" Snake said.

"Yeah, I'm Baker's 1337 designer. How did you know that?".

"Meryl and Baker told me, but that's not important. I just need to interrogate you about Metal Gear for a while before you die.".

"Before I die? What r u talking about?" Emmerich said, unaware of the tragic, cholesterol-induced deaths of Baker and the DARPA Chief.

"Nothing. Anyways, what is Metal Gear designed for?" Our hero said, despite the fact that he had two previous encounters with Metal Gear and he was completely aware of what it was designed for.

"Oh, it's designed to fight. Fight for everlasting peace! It uses missiles and railguns to turn incoming nuclear warheads into comicallyoversized sombrerosand other happy stuff.". That was the point when Snake began choking Emmerich. Choking someone is a great stress reliever, y'know.

"LIAR! I already know Metal Gear is designed to launch nuclear warheads to turn cities into radioactive slag! I was just asking rhetorically!".

"What! Nuclear weapons are bad! They hurt people! I didn't know!" Emmerich said, looking downcast.

"So, you designed a weapon of unparalleled destructive might, but you did it on accident!" Snake said, beginning to feel happy. _With this nerd around, nobody's gonna accuse me of being stupid._

"Uh yeah. I hate nuclear weapons. They're bad. So very bad." Emmerich said. For a minute, Snake considered having Nastasha and Emmerich talk over the CODEC and see who's head would implode first, but he had things to get done first.

"So, not only do you not have a shocking plot revelation, I had to tell you a shocking plot revelation. Thanks for wasting my time." Snake said. _Yeah, it took Baker and the DARPA chief 50 minutes to get to the point, whereupon they had heart attacks, but this idiot isn't dead yet. I hate humanity._

Emmerich decided to make it up to Snake. "Now it's time for the sad story of my life. Well, one of the many sad stories of my life. I'll leave out my bipolar sister, slutty stepmom, and the serial killer whom I love for the time being."

"Uh, I. Wait, stepmom! Yeah, I think it would be good to skip that part for now.".

"Alright, fine. My grandfather helped make the A-bomb, and my Father was born on the day of the Hiroshima bomb. Also, my pet goldfish died of radiation poisoning, and my cat choked on the goldfish. When my uncle Stanislaus was young, he died during a school atom bomb drill when his desk fell on him. Nuclear weapons have plagued my family.".

"So has stupidity. Christ, I'm calling Meryl, she can babysit you.".

* * *

"Hi Snake, I see you beat the ninja. Was it a Flawless Victory?".

"Meryl, enough with the Mortal Kombat references, that was last chapter. I need you to look after Emmerich. Bring some paper towel as well.".

"Sure thing, Sna-".

"HEY! THERE SHE IS!" Faceless Guard number what the fuck, I lost count said.

"Uh, Snake, gotta go. Apparently, time only freezes with your CODEC." Meryl said, signing off and then running.

* * *

Snake shouted various obscenities, and Emmerich lamented the fact that he was the closest thing to Aquaman-level uselessness on the heroes' side. Yet he came up with a plan nonetheless.

"I have an idea. The person you're looking for is the mildly psychotic woman with the nice ass, right?".

"Yeah." Snake said, beginning to like the scientist's way of thinking.

"How about you hide near the woman's bathroom and wait for her? I mean, of course all the terrorists on B-1 are looking for a women with a nice ass, but they'd never think about posting someone near the Lady's room.".

Presented with this fairly sound plan, Snake said "Well, I'm off to save a chick in distress. I think it's time for you to fork over your keycard and have a heart attack.".

"What!".

"C'mon, everybody's doing it.".

"Erm... Fine." The nerd said, giving up his keycard and waiting for cardiac arrest. Nothing happened.

"Damn. It usually works." Snake said, shaking his head. Since Emmerich was still alive, Snake had to forget about stealing his wallet. "Ah well, thank's anyways, Doc.".

"Call me Otacon.".

"What?".

"It stands for Otaku Convention. You see, I'm an anime geek, so I decided to give myself a kind of cool sounding name that means 'gathering of geeks'.".

"Right..." Snake said, hoping, for his sanity's sake, that Otacon would just stop there. But, not everybody can get what they want.

"Y'know, I became a scientist because I wanted to build anime style robots. And then send them out to seek bloody vengeance against the football jocks from High School. I kind of just fell into this particular gig.".

"Wow. That's like, even more retarded than you building a Metal Gear thinking it would END nuclear tensions. By the way, how are you planning to avoid getting caught?"

"Oh, I invented stealth camo, like the one the ninja was wearing.".

"Yeah punk? I got a cardboard box. Beat that, bitch.". It was Otacon's turn to awkwardly consider what Snake said.

"Right, can you get going? I need to change my pants. My CODEC frequency is 141.12. Call if you need any advice on the base." Otacon said.

* * *

Turning around, Snake exited Otacon's lab, passed through the poison gas hallway, used his new keycard to rob a bulletproof vest, more bombs, and a set of Night Vision Goggles from the genome army, and boarded the elevator to go back to floor B-1. And then, he noticed one amazing thing.

_Wow, cool theme song_. Our protagonist thought, as a choir creepily voiced one of the coolest pieces of VG background music ever. Now, if you or I were to wait for Meryl to be alone, you'd hide behind the pillar just outside the women's restroom like a creepy stalker. But not Snake, who opted to stand in the middle of the hallway waiting for the door to the main B-1 office to open.

"Are you Meryl?".

"The intruder!".

**BLAM!**

"Hey, I heard something." Faceless guard 718 said.

"Are you Meryl?".

"Who the fuck are you! Wait, why's Faceless Guard 52 lying in a puddle of his brain matter and blood!".

**BLAM!**

Finally, a significantly more feminine guard walked out.

"Are you Meryl?".

Instead of just saying yes, Meryl decided to yell out "Flee!"and then run to the women's restroom for no apparent reason. Snake, none to bright, raised his SOCOM, took aim, and...

**Click.**

_Wait, out of ammo? Fucking plot contrivances._ Reloading his .45, Snake rushed after the guard, running into the women's bathroom, awaiting wonders beyond parallel. He was let down.. _Wait. This is just the men's room without urinals. Gypped. _

Walking to the far end of the restroom, Snake slowly pointed his gun towards the last, open stall. And found... an empty NSGF uniform. Yep, Meryl had enough time to take off all her gear in the 3 seconds it took for Snake to follow her.

"Freeze!" Meryl shouted jokingly. So, in the three seconds that it took for Snake to follow her, she not only managed to change her clothes to a black tanktop and different pants, but also was invisible to Snake's magic radar, and managed to somehow sneak up on the vastly more skilled assassin.

Snake yelled "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" and then whipped around and prepared to squeeze the trigger on Meryl. Then, the final pieces of the puzzle clicked into position in his brain. "Oh, Meryl... hi.".

"Hiya Snake. I managed to sneak up on you again.".

"Yeah, pretty much." Snake said. "So... what's new?".

"Nothing.".

"Ah. Hey, you got a tattoo." Snake said, pointing to the FOX-HOUND insignia on her arm.

"Yeah, I was a big fan of FOX-HOUND. Not now, when it's made up of freaks with superpowers, I liked it years ago, when you and my uncle killed freaks with superpowers. You guys were heroes.".

"Naw. I just like killing people." our hero quipped. It was a philosophy close to DarkGidora's heart as well.

"That's horrible.".

"Yeah, I'm a horrible sociopath, et cetera, et cetera. Why didn't you call me when the guards stopped chasing you?".

"The CODEC was broken.".

And so, our hero began to think. _Okay, a CODEC is a magic radio that shows a person's face and freezes time when I use it, but not when Meryl uses it. It is implanted in a subject's skull. And in a gunfight, Meryl's was broken. Yet she is still alive. Data confliction. Fatal error... rebooting... rebooting... rebooting..._

"Uh, you okay Snake?".

"What! Oh, yeah. I'm fine. As long as... you're not a zombie, are you?" Snake said, wishing he had a boomstick.

"What! No!".

"Sorry, just checking. I had a bad experience during a vacation I took in Raccoon City. And that time in Crystal Lake. And that time I ran into 4 potheads and their Great Dane, but that was just a guy in a mask.".

"Oh. Anyways, how did you find me?".

"I looked for the soldier with the hot ass.".

"Uh, okay, you can differentiate between the genders by looking at their asses. That's vaguely disturbing.".

* * *

In Hell again, Big Boss grumbled to anyone who could hear "Hey, lay off the boy. At least he can't tell men apart by package size. Fucking Volgin.".

* * *

Back in the women's restroom, Snake was also unapologetic about his 'skill'. "Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. Every woman in this goddamn game is hot. I get my mind set on things like this.".

"Uh, right... can we get back to business?".

"Yeah. We have to get to Metal Gear's secret underground maintenance base, and Baker said he gave you the card keys to deactivate Metal Gear's launch.".

"Yep, here it is. The one card key." Meryl said, pulling a black and yellow card out of her shirt.

"Wait. There were supposed to be three of them. Great, now I do have to get my ass punted around by a giant robot this game. Anyways, how did you manage to keep guards from finding the key?".

"Well, women have more hiding places than men..."

"Okay, you see, that's what I'd like to call 'too much information'. Now, when I'm fighting Black Manta or Skeletor or whoever the fuck is on the FOX-HOUND roster, I'll be thinking dirty thoughts, and then WHAM, the badguy'll kill me.".

"Uh, sorry. Ah well, let's get moving. The commander's room leads to the path that will take us to the base. And luckily, the most inept guard in the game had a level five keycard. So when I kicked his ass, I singlehandedly got a better card than Otacon, Baker, the DARPA Chief, and that one guy you blasted out of a tank had.".

"Okaaaaaay, that strikes me as odd, giving a high level keycard to Johnny freakin' Sasaki. Anyways, you ditched your FAMAS. What are you going to shoot people with?".

"This." Meryl said, whipping out one of the most ridiculously overpowered handguns of all time. "A Desert Eagle .50 caliber.".

Obviously, Snake didn't realize the numerous advantages that a gun with less recoil and larger clip size had, so he offered a trade."Gimme that gun, you can have my .45.".

"No, I stole it from the armory, keep your SOCOM.".

"Give it to me. My precioussssssss...".

"Listen. I've used magnums since I was a little girl. I'm more comfortable with this than with a bra.".

"Tricksy Merylsessssss... another too much informationsesssssssss...".

"Fuck. Let's just get going. There's a box in the offices that you can steal.".

"Box! Sweet!" Snake said, snapping out of his Gollum-style idiocy, and into his 3rd grader-style idiocy.

And so, after Snake raided the Genome army's supplies (for the umpteenth billion time) getting more rations, another fuckload of ammo, and the promised cardboard box, he and Meryl headed North towards the Commander's room.

"Y'know Meryl, that bitchingly sweet background music just disappeared...".

* * *

On the next exciting chapter, Snake and Meryl will face lunacy, mayhem, more blatant innuendos than a Bond film, and a floating anorexic in bondage gear.

Fun for the whole family.


	12. Taking any stability from the 4th wall

Disclaimer: Nope, MGS is still in Konami's hands, despite my insidious plot to usurp it from them.

* * *

As we last left our hero, he had just shoved a hobo-looking geek around, and then had an encounter with Meryl in the Ladies' room (though that particular event wasn't as... erm... interesting as I just made it sound). Anyways, Snake and Meryl were heading towards the Commander's room, when all of a sudden... 

"Owwwwww. My head hurts..." Meryl moaned, clutching the sides of here head.

"Christ. My head hurts too. All these annoying speeches y'know.".

"SNAKE! This place is dangerous!".

"Riiiight. Between the Refugees from a bad Kung Fu movie, Red Dead Revolver rejects, giant tank driving Inuit Shaman, and the whole 'terrorist army' thing, I think that's fairly obvious.".

"Don't go on..." Meryl said, and then she stood straight up, looked at Snake, and smiled.

"What the hell was that about?".

"-Kssssssssssh- C'mon, Mister FOX-HOUND. The commander is waiting." Meryl said, a creepy, Darthvaderesque noise apparent in her speech.

"Wait, you just told me not to head on.".

"No I didn't. -Hsssssssssssssh".

"And why do you sound like your breathing through a gasmask?".

"-Ksssssssssh- I don't sound at all like that. Now get going before I make your head explode.".

"What?"

"-Hsssssssssk- Nothing.".

And so, Snake decided to go on, mainly because he was an ass. The reappearance of that badass theme music didn't even dissuade him...

The commander's room was more or less like a tacky gift shop. Portraits of game developers, fake elk skulls and a plastic singing bass hung on the walls, alongside other such novelties that would hurt like a bitch if they were telekinetically thrown at someone. Just so it didn't totally suck, a cool 3-d image of a pair of towers was shown on the table towards the left side fo the room.

And now, for some creepy innuendos.

"Snake...".

"Yeah Meryl?".

"Do you like me -kssssssssssh-?".

"Can we discuss my feelings for you when we aren't tasked with stopping the nuclear destruction of innocent civilians?".

"Hold me Snake-Sssssssssssssssssh-!".

"Wait. Did you somehow go to Mardi Gras, get drunk, and then come back here during the five seconds when I wasn't staring at your ass?".

"Make love to me Snake! I want you!".

"And I thought Bond made getting laid look easy!". Snake said with glee.

At that point, to keep this fic's rating at T, Meryl raised her Desert Eagle. Snake, despite not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, realized that something was amiss...

"Uh, Meryl, judging by the gasmask tone in your voice and the rather large pistol you have leveled at my face, I'd say you are acting a little strange...".

**BLAM! **

And so, our hero experience his 97th near fatal wound in the game. Of course, military rations fixed him up.

* * *

"Uh, Colonel, I think your niece forgot her ritalin today..." Our ever observant hero said over his CODEC. 

"No jackass, it's FOX-HOUND's psychic, Psycho Mantis. That song you heard is his mind control." Naomi chimed in.

"Okay, so his superpowers come from TAPPY? Then how should I go about stopping Mantis?".

"Beat the stuffing out of my niece." Our lovable Colonel Campbell.

"What!".

"You heard me. Pummel Meryl and Mantis won't be able to control her. Then all you have to deal with is the most powerful psychic in the world. Should be easy.".

* * *

And so, Snake versus Meryl started. For fun, let's just do a comparison. Snake beat a fucking cyborg ninja two chapters ago. Meryl manages to look cute when she walks. On the outside, this fight looks evenly matched, but true enough, three punch-punch-kicks later, Meryl was out cold, and a different Predatoresque transparent silhouette than Fox's appeared. 

"Useless woman!" The gasmasked Russian evil voice shouted.

"Uh-huh. And you must be Mantis?".

"-Ksssssssssssssh- Yessssssssssssss...".

"So, you can float, turn invisible, and have a cool theme. Any other powers?".

"There's no need for words, Snake. -Ksssssssssh- Now let me read your mind... or should I say... your saved game data -hssssssssssssssssk-?".

"What?".

"-kssssssssssssssh- My real ultimate power is to break the fourth wall!".

"We did that already... Meryl's frequency on the back of the CD case...".

"No, I can do much more than that... -Ksssssssh- I will grade your performance up to now. You like shooting people... don't you? And... you have not saved often -ssssssssssssssh-. And... you like staring at Meryl's ass.".

* * *

Both Snake and DarkGidora were thinking the same thing. _So he says a bunch of random stuff about the game. Wow. Like I believe he can really read minds...

* * *

_

"-Ssssssssssssssh- That's not all. You enjoy the Resident Evil series, don't you? Stare at Jill as much as Meryl, huh? What's with you and redheads? -Ksssssssssssssh- And... Ace Combat 5? GTA3? Killzone? You really like blowing shit up, huh?".

* * *

"Out! Out of my mind!" Our author yelled sarcastically. _But that Jill/Meryl thing... when that floating anorexic's right, he's right...

* * *

_

"Still have your doubts? -Ssssssssh- put your controller on the ground. Yes, very good. I shall move it with the power of my will alone!".

And so, after proving that DarkGidora's dualshock controller wasn't broken, Mantis decided to get on with the fight...

And the word "HIDEO" appeared across the screen, and then disappeared. But as Snake shot he who slayed suspension of disbelief, Mantis dodged. So in short, never fuck around with someone who can read your mind, children. And so a cycle started. Snake would shoot and miss, and then Mantis would hit him with a hadoken. After fifteen minutes, DarkGidora remembered something he picked up from a strategy guide he once read.

And so the controller was switched to port 2. And the real fight began.

"I can't read you!" Mantis yelled, proving that if you fight a telepath, they'll have no qualms alerting you to a flaw in their battle plan.

And so, Snake donned his thermal goggles to battle the invisible psychic. When Mantis prepared to blast him again, he got a dozen bullets flying towards him. Despite the fact he was about as muscular as a paperclip, he managed to continue fighting. Flying to the center of the room, Mantis used his superpowers to levitate several portraits, and then...

**WHAM!**

Snake caught a picture of Ryuhei Kitimura with his face. This was followed up by getting a statue broken over his noggin, and then getting knocked into the wall by a chair.

**WHAM!**

"My spine! My beautiful spine!".

**SMASH!**

"Not my face!".

**RANDOM HIT TO NUTS!**

"Not those either!".

Of course, Mantis's strategy of "break everything in the room over Snake's cranium while floating, completly exposed and visible in the center of the room" had a drawback. Namely, the floating completely exposed and visible in the center of the room part. Eventually, Snake had time to draw his FAMAS.

"OW! Okay, new plan." Mantis said, becoming invisible and charging up his energy blasts. While this was the same plan he had when the battle started, he called it new because he once again mind controlled Meryl and had her ineffectively shoot at Snake.

Five seconds (and another cycle of 'practice Kung Fu on potential love interest') later, Meryl was out cold once again.

Floating back to Meryl, Mantis said "Hm. You are very powerful indeed. But I know your weak point... -ssssssssssssssssh-.".

"No! You bastard!" Snake yelled, his voice full of fear as he covered his crotch with his hands.

"Er, no, I meant your other weakpoint -sssssssssssssssh-.".

"And that would be?".

Of course, with his ability to read minds gone, Mantis had to make a bunch of guesses "Kryptonite?".

"That's Superman. Jackass.".

"Yellow?".

"Green Fucking Lantern.".

"Alcohol?".

"Well, that might work on me, but Iron Man is more of a drunk than I am.".

"Water?".

"Wicked Witch of the West.".

"How about -ksssssssssssh- This second controller slot? Muwahahahahahaha!".

"That's your weakness. Christ, I'll just say it. Redhead, nice ass, not Jill Valentine.".

"Oh... -sssssssssh- Thank you. Now then, Meryl..." Mantis said, coercing Meryl to stand again, "Stand right where he can see you... and blow your brains out!". Meryl pressed her Desert Eagle to her head and...

"Egad, you fiend!" Snake yelled. Tired of punching people, Snake just pulled the pin on a stun grenade, and Meryl was out cold yet again.

"-Ksssssssssssh- I think you're going to need some relationship counciling when all is said and done..." Mantis said.

"Yeah.".

"So, should we just..."

"Yeah."

"-Sssssssssssssh- Okay then. SNAKE! PREPARE TO DIE!".

And so the battle resumed, with Mantis simultaneously levitating everything in the room, and charging up his energy attack. And Snake just raised his FAMAS.

**BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!**

"NO!" Mantis shouted as he was tossed back by the bullets.

* * *

"Campbell, I saved your niece.". 

"Thank you Snake, now get going. I can't wait to see what kind of mortal danger you get my niece into next..".

Naomi felt the need to chime in. "So Snake, why'd you save Meryl? After all you've killed hundreds of people in your life.".

"Uh, way to bring down the mood. I can't kill one anorexic bald dude with the power to cause natural disasters with his mind without you nagging. Thanks Naomi." Snake said, pouting while signing off. And he still didn't suspect a thing.

* * *

Of course, Mantis was not dead (yet). If he was, then Snake wouldn't be subjected to a sad death speech that would make him feel like a horrible monster. "-coughing kssssssssssssh- So... you used the other controller port... I couldn't read the future." Mantis said. Shame he didn't notice that Playstations had two ports until after he got shot a hell of a lot. 

"A strong man doesn't need to read the future. He makes his own. Or he does what I did and hides away in the middle of Alaska, secretly hoping to be forgotten by the world. Either way is fine.".

"So, I guess it's time for me to give you vital information and my life story, despite the fact that my torso was shredded by 5.56 cal. bullets. -Ksssssssssh-. Go through the hidden door through the bookshelf, past the cave of wolf-dogs, through a pair of communications towers, past the obligatory snowfield, then through the obligatory fire level, then through another obligatory ice portion, and then you'll find -Kssssssssssssh- Metal Gear.".

"Wow. You just summarized the rest of the game for me in one run-on sentence.".

"I left out some parts.".

"Such as?".

"The rest of FOX-HOUND.".

"Ah. Crap. Anyways, why are you doing this.".

"I hate humanity." Mantis said. During that time, Meryl woke up, wondered why the Hell she felt like she'd been repeatedly hit in the face, and walked over to Snake, who was busy removing Mantis's gasmask.

"Gross." Our heroine said of Mantis's jigsaw visage, another observation that was pretty goddamn obvious.

"You see," Mantis said "I think that humans are all sex-drive controlled monkeys with no real purpose aside from cranking out as many offspring as possible while leeching the resources of their homes dry. But eh, I'll leave my Agent Smith philosophy for now and talk about how my father wanted to kill me because my mother died giving birth. So I killed everyone my hometown horribly."

"So you gave in to the dark side of the force?".

"-Cough- Yeah. Anyways, the world is a more interesting place with homicidal maniacs like you in it. Also, I revel in slaughtering innocent civilians, and that's why I signed up for this gig.".

"You suck." Meryl said, the 900th amazingly goddamn obvious thing said in this game.

"Yeah? But compared to Snake... I'm not so bad. Sure, he's not the one planning nuclear holocaust, but he's a real bastard.". Looking at Meryl, Mantis continued "Y'know Snake, despite the fact that you and Meryl have spent a grand total of fifteen minutes together, five of which involved horrible domestic abuse, the fact that you know nothing about each other, and you've treated each other with borderline contempt half the time, Meryl loves you.".

"YES!" Our hero shouted, jumping with glee.

"Anyways, give me my mask. It's kind of sickening hearing your thoughts." Mantis said, and frankly, I wouldn't want toreadthe thoughts of a homicidal, oversexed, antisocial mercenary and his bipolar girlfriend either. After his gasmask was put on, Mantis spoke once more. "That hidden door behind the bookcase leads to Metal Gear... -kssssssh- I'll open the door for you.". Upon doing so, Mantis gave one last speech. "This is the first time I've ever used my power to help someone. Strange... It feels... kind of... nice... -dying kssssssssssssssh-.". And Snake thought _Wow. He wasn't really all that bad. I sure do feel like a horrible monster deserving a painful demise..._

And so, with the homicidal psychic mercenary dead, Snake headed towards the door. Of course, we were not finished with the sad speeches quite yet.

"Snake, what's your name?" Meryl asked.

"Doesn't matter.".

"Age?".

"Old enough to kill people.".

"Family?".

"None.".

"Any friends?".

"I hate people.".

"Mantis was right. You are a sad, lonely man.".

"Damn straight. C'mon let's get going. I have a feeling everything will be smooth sailing from here on out.".

And so, join us next chapter, when I try to piss of as many members of GreenPeace and PETA as I can. Also starring Sniper Wolf and her chest.

* * *

**Author's note:** Well, another chapter down. Anyways, I'm planning on making a second intermission chapter, possibly about the ninja, or a behind the scenes look on how vodka and a gaming addiction have spawned this fic (Projected to be chapter 15). But nothing's in concrete yet. 

And also, we're getting up close to the certain scene where the good or bad ending is determined. So, which ending do you guys want to see? Good or Bad?


	13. Enemy at the gates

**Disclaimer**: Y'know the drill. MGS and all characters therein belong to Konami.

* * *

"Snake, what's that? Wolves?" Meryl said, talking about the creepy howling far off in the distance. After beating the bondage telepath Psycho Mantis, Snake and Meryl headed through the hidden bookcase door and ended up... in a cave. 

"Hmm... I'd actually say they're wolf-dogs, bred to race, however they were eventually banned. So somebody sold them all to the Taco Bell corporation." Our hero said, glad to encounter a subject he was a relative expert on.

"I thought that Chihuahuas were the mascot?".

"Jesus Christ, Meryl, they sent a breed of bad-tasting and bloodthirsty animals to a fast-food restaurant. Do the math."

"Okay, I see. So what your saying is that my chalupa is made out of... puppies.".

"Better than the time Wendy's advertised Soylent Green...".

"Snake, how do you know this much?".

"I was planning on racing in the Iditarod this weekend, but yeah, the whole 'kidnap me out of my home and force me to fight a giant robot' thing happened.".

"Oh. Anyways, I know you're the only one here who knows anything about sled dogs, but I think I should blindly rush ahead through this cave and leave you high and dry..." And so she did...

Of course, now Snake was alone, in a cold, wet, dark cave, with just some eerie howling to keep him company. For the first time in the game, he made a decent leap of logic and realized he might not have been in the best position.

* * *

"Yeah Snake?" Master Miller asked over the CODEC. Before Snake could respond, Master immediately started a tirade. "I see you beat Mantis. Good work. All according to plan. Anyways, I guess your in a cave. It's dark in there.". 

"Uh, yeah Master. I kinda think that's obvious.".

"I suggest you stay in the shadows until your eyes adjust to the darkness, then walk forward and hope that there are no moderately bright lights in your way to blind you.".

"I have night vision goggles.".

"Yeah, but my way's much more convoluted." Master said.

"Uh, Master, the reason I called is... I was just thinking. This cave is full of wolves, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.".

"Yes. Alaskan Wolf Dogs. Bred to be as physically capable as a wolf, but as loyal as a dog. They mostly ended up as tough as a wolf, and as loyal as a Russian Cowboy...".

"I know that. I'm the one who's trying to get become the world's greatest sled dog musher, remember? I told you it was my life-long dream during Zanzibar.".

"Uh, yeah, of course I remember. Yep, this is me, remembering your life-long dream you told me at Zanzibar. Where I walked you through your mission, me, Master Miller...".

"Back to my question, there's a bunch of wolves, and FOX-HOUND's sharpshooter is named, well, Sniper Wolf. You don't think I'll be fighting her, do you?".

"Snake, c'mon. You think that the plot would be that simple? I mean, come on. Were you attacked by jungle cats before fighting Ocelot? Did you get attacked by birds when Raven chased you in his tank? Movie studios when you fought Fox? A bunch of bugs when you killed Mantis?".

"No...".

"Then there. No reason at all to suspect that Wolf is going to be trying to incapacitate Meryl as soon as you clear the caves.".

"Alright, I kinda gotta go. I have a plot to advance." Snake said, vaguely suspicious of Master's odd word choice.

"Good. Anyways, remember; you should avoid gaming for 15 minutes after you eat.".

"Uh, I think that's swimming. Either way, now I know...".

"...And knowing is half the battle. Yo Joe!".

"Right... okay... that's strange. Buh-bye now...".

* * *

And so, at villain HQ, right after the conversation, Liquid, Raven, and Ocelot shared a hearty laugh at Snake's expense. 

Meanwhile, Meryl Silverburgh was standing near the exit doors to the cave. She waited fifteen minutes for Snake, getting slightly worried when she heard Snake yell out fifteen variations of the word "Fuck" in under a minute, followed by a series of loud explosions and gunfire. She was about to give up hope that he survived, when Snake squeezed himself through a crawlspace. Our hero did look like a refugee from a George Romero film, as he was covered in bitemarks. "Hi." Meryl said to the (as usual) half-dead mercenary.

"MERYL!" Snake said, pulling the pin on a hand grenade. Meryl was surrounded by three vicious wolf-dogs, which were... just standing there like normal dogs.

"Oh, these guys, Snake? I was just walking here, and these nice little dogs followed me. Wait, what's with the grenade?" Snake told Meryl to step back, and she did. And Snake tossed the grenade at the dogs.

Of course, one of the most basic tricks dogs learn is 'fetch'. So the closest dog picked the grenade up in it's mouth, walked over to Snake, set the explosive down, and then after it had returned to it's original position outside the blast radius...

**BOOM!**

"Ow...".

"Uh, Snake, you okay there?".

"I'll be fine. Just dropped that new cardboard box I got.".

"Uh... Snake, is it the box marked 'Nuclear Warhead Storage'?".

"Yeah, why?".

"Uh, that one little wolf seems to think it's his.".

"Fuck the dog, I'm taking it back.". That was when the little wolf dog proceeded to follow Otacon's example and empty his bladder... on Snake's box.

"Uh, he seems to have 'claimed' it, if you know what I mean. Hehehe, still want that box, Snake? Wait, what're you doing with that gun?". Of course, we all know what happens when you mess with a box belonging to Solid Snake.

**BLAM!**

Meryl was shocked. "Snake, that's just a puppy! Stop it, you sick bastard.".

Luckily for our heroine and the puppy, for reasons known only to Hideo Kojima, wolf-dog pups are completely immune to everything. So, after five minutes of firing his SOCOM, Snake remarked "Why. Won't. This. God. Damn. Wolf. Dog. Pup. Die?".

"Uh, Snake, don't you think we should get going?".

"No, I just want to see. Is this thing made out of liquid metal or something?".

"Snake... what would you rather do, stare at my ass while I walk towards the communication tower, or avenge your precious box?". That got Snake's attention. Leaving the box to the remaining wolves, Snake and Meryl headed through the pair of double doors to the North...

Stepping out into yet another snow covered landscape, Snake and Meryl looked up at the ginormous Communications Tower in front of them. Snake took a step forward, when Meryl shouted out "Snake, this area's mined! St-!"

**BOOM!**

"Uh, sorry. Guess I should've told you before we came here. Now, I have an idea. When Mantis dove into my mind, I saw where the minds were placed. Now despite the stressful environment, the fact I feel like someone used me for Kung Fu practice, and the horrible acts of animal cruelty I just saw, I still remember the exact safe path through the mines.". Meryl then proceeded to walk, without incident, through the minefield.

Snake, who by this time, was beginning to feel that Meryl was still trying to kill him, thought about following her slowly disappearing footprints in the snow. Then he recalled the fact that he could just toss on his thermal goggles, disarm the landmines, and then add them to his extensive collection of things he looted from the NSGF. After he did so, they continued on, until Meryl stopped.

"Hey, Snake look at this! A shiny red light! Oooh pretty." She said, obviously forgetting the fact that all snipers in fiction need to have a laser pointer to announce their presence. And so, Sniper Wolf slowly took aim at Meryl. Very slowly. So very slowly. By that I mean, it took Wolf roughly fifteen minutes to aim from Meryl's chest to her right knee.

"Uh, Meryl, I think you should, y'know, take cover...".

"Why?" Our heroine asked.

**BANG!**

"Oh... that's why. Sorry about that... wait... OH JESUS! MY KNEECAP!" Meryl screamed. Within five seconds, the sniper managed to shoot Meryl's other leg, her gun-holding arm, and the FOX-HOUND logo tattoo she had. Pretty good for a sharpshooter that took a half hour to zero in on Meryl's leg.

Fortunately, our protagonist had been wise enough to dive behind a concrete wall. "Damn!" Snake yelled, that word quickly becoming a catchphrase.

"Hmm... apparently the foreshadowing in Chapter 6 has come full circle. So, to keep the plot going... Snake... go on... without me..." Meryl said as sad music began to play. Of course, not even Snake was idiotic enough to push on ahead with FOX-HOUND's deadly markswomen aiming for him. Of course, whenever Snake was indecisive, his old war buddy, Colonel Roy Campbell was there to tell him to get off his ass and do something.

* * *

"Uh, Snake, now that my niece has been shot and is bleeding profusely in plain view of the deadliest sniper ever, I suggest you backtrack to the beginning of the base to get a sniper rifle." Campbell said. 

"Sounds like a plan." our hero said. Obviously, chivalry was not one of Snake or Campbell's strong suits.

* * *

With a quick "I'll be back." Snake ran through the double doors and back into the wolf-dog cave. There, he found an interesting sight. 

All the dogs had gathered around the cardboard box Snake had abandoned, little heart shaped icons appearing above their heads. "What the hell?".

* * *

Over the CODEC, Snake received another message from Master. "Snake. Dogs hunt by scent. So despite the fact your normal cardboard box trick didn't work, wolf-dogs quickly fall in love with cardboard boxes soaked in urine, throwing any and all rationality to the wind.". 

"That's quite strange...".

"Hey, between the bald psychic, the incredibly hot women all around you, and the fact that Meryl just stood there like a dolt while Wolf aimed at her, I think you can trust me on this one.".

"Okay, but you were the one who told me Wolf wouldn't be waiting for us...".

"Yep, my bad. You should still trust me completely. And by the way. I have a friend in GreenPeace. They disapprove of how you dealt with the wolves.".

"What?".

"Apparently, shooting 12 members of an endangered species is something that ticks environmental groups off...".

"So, on my way to stop nuclear holocaust, the fact that I reenacted Old Yeller while a dog was trying to tear my throat out is worse than, if say, I just sat here and waited while the terrorists nuked the world?".

"Yep.".

"Damnit." Our hero said.

"They say that they'll forgive you if you leave all the credit cards and money you've stolen from the wallets of various hostages who've died of heart attacks on the desk in the commander's room.".

"Seems like a good plan...". Few things terrified our hero than the thought of a pissed off activist group, so he was more than happy to give up the stuff he looted.

* * *

Back at Villain HQ... 

"Nyahahaha! I told you General Ivan, he fell for it. Pay up." A certain Eskimo Strongman said, referring to the fact that Snake had just been tricked into thinking an environmentalist group had clearance to listen to a Black Ops radio transmission. Raven held out his hand as Ocelot pulled a fifty out of his wallet. Of course, seeing as Ocelot kept his wallet in his right trench coat pocket, and he only had his left hand, he had quite some difficulty extracting the wallet, and even more difficulty extracting Mr. Grant from it. Grumbling something about 'damn idiots' Ocelot solemnly handed his money over to Raven.

"Wait..." Liquid Snake said, as usual, he was standing, his arms crossed and his head bowed, in an attempt to look like he was deep in thought. "So, which one of us gets the stuff that Snake ditches? I mean, with Baker's, Octopus's, and FG 927's credit cards, we each could take one...".

"I have a better idea. We'll have an ear pull contest. Whomever wins gets them all..." Raven said.

"Hate to break this to you Raven, but that's just retarded." Liquid said.

"What about Muktuk eating?".

"No.".

"Russian Roulette?" Ocelot suggested.

"That is also inappropriate.".

So, fifteen minutes later, the FOX-HOUNDers crowded themselves around a table, wagering it all on a high-stakes game of... Monopoly.

"Arrgh! Go directly to jail AGAIN! DAMNIT!".

* * *

"Uh, Otacon?". 

"Yeah Snake?".

"Do you know where the NSGF stores their spare sniper rifles?".

"Uh yeah, in the armory, where they keep every other weapon in the goddamn game. n00b.".

"Oh.".

"Why do you need a sniper rifle?".

"Well, after ignoring some ominous foreshadowing, Meryl got shot, so I have to get a sniper rifle tofight Sniper Wolf.".

"What! Snake, I think we need to talk..." Otacon said, giving away more CODEC foreshadowing.

"Whatever, floor B-2 of the tank hanger. Thanks Otacon. I'll be sure to remember your help when Ikill Wolf." Snake said, signing off.

"Aw, shit." Otacon said.

* * *

And so, after reclaiming his box, Snake journeyed south, giving up his stolen credit cards, killing more guards at the bathroom, passing ghostlike through the Nuclear Warhead storage building, and stepped on yet another landmine when he reached the canyon where he blew up the tank. Apparently, while he was away, someone set up several dozen landmines, as well as a series of gun cameras. So, pulling the pin on a chaff grenade, he ran through the minefield, expertly dodging the blast radii of the mines using his thermal goggles. 

Entering the tank hanger again, Snake noticed that the laser grid was off, yet, as usual, his immense good fortune never struck him as odd. Running to the elevator, disembarking on B-2, and murdering some more guards, Snake finally used his level 5 keycard to steal yet another weapon from the NSGF, after ducking under some more laser trip wires. Despite the fact that he was carrying a 18 lb. rifle, an 8 lb. rifle, a 3 lb. handgun, a rocket launcher, several metric tons of military rations, cigarettes, keycards, an MO disk, chewing gum, thermal goggles, binoculars, two cardboard boxes big enough for him to hide in, and enough ammunition and explosives to take over a small country, he still had enough pocket space to carry it all.

Satisfied with getting yet another gun, Snake turned and walked away... right through the series of laser sensors. _Shit!_ Our hero thought as he and the guards played another game of remedial hide-and-seek.

So join us next time, when we take a look at how rampant stupidity impedes gunfights, why the Shadow Moses electricity bills are so high, and how Snake is not MacGuyver.

**

* * *

Author's Note:** MGS4 is going to kick ass. 

Nothing more to report.

Well, actually, it seems that most of you would like to see Meryl live. And frankly, I rather like the idea of a joint Meryl/Otacon ending. Thanks for all the feedback.

And... I guess I would like to thank W. Mark Felt, the former FBI informant known as "Deepthroat" for choosing a humorous nickname.


	14. I ran out of ideas for chapter titles

Disclaimer: MGS and all of the characters therein belong to Konami.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA... ER, I MEAN HELL...**

"Where am I -kssssssssssssh-?" The ghost of Psycho Mantis asked.

"C'mon sunshine, guess." The ghost of Big Boss said, surprised at the sudden emergence of a bondage anorexic in his apartment. Yep, that's right. When he died, Big Boss got an apartment in Hell. He's just that badass.

"Hm... Being insulted by a Sean Connery lookalike that's missing an eye, -ksssssh- giant flaming pentagram on the wall -ksssssssh-, and the fact that I just died. I assume I'm in Hell?".

"Wow, you really are the world's greatest telepath.".

"Fuck you, Old Man. I took bullshit from your son, and now that I'm finally free of Dickwid, I'm being harangued by you. -Angry Kssssssssssh-.".

"First of all, this is Hell. You aren't supposed to have fun here. Do you think I like sitting here, watching my 'sons' stumble around like idiots, tainting my legacy?".

"Yeah, well, frankly, I know my history, and I know how you apparently got your skull bashed in by a fifty year old woman every fifteen minutes -sssssssssssssh-. I'd say Snake's inability to connect the dots, and Liquid's amazingly supervillainous ability to not notice Ocelot's playing him for a fool are just a chip off the old, extremely dumb, block.".

"Yeah. At least I didn't get my ass kicked by Hideo Kojima's desire to destroy suspension of disbelief.".

And so they argued.

* * *

**MEANWHILE, WHERE WE LAST LEFT OUR HERO...**

Faceless Guard 8492 was having a bad day. First, he fell out of bed. Then, he had to listen to Johnny Sasaki whine about his cold, how he was sleepy, how his foot hurt, etc. Then,when he was about to sit down and watch Stargate, he had to attend a meeting called by FG 4 on how to deal with the dreaded threat of Snow Gnomes. Finally, he had to cut his lunch short to deal with a tripped laser sensor in the armory, presumably caused by the deadliest man in history. He cautiously stepped out of the elevator in the Tank Hanger, thinking _Jesus, this guy's killed more people than the black plague, and I'm supposed to take him down? _Carefully scanning the area in front of him, FG 8492 walked forward slowly. In fact, he was so concerned about getting killed by Snake, he failed to notice the fact that he was about to step on a trapdoor. "All clearrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!".

"What was that noise?" Faceless Guard 293 said, cautiously edging forward, to the trapdoor's edge. _Man, FG 8492 fell down there. Must've sucked for him. _That was approximately the part where Snake snuck up behind him and gave him a shove.

"Hey! The intruder!" Faceless Guard Number 111 said, reaching for his FAMAS as he rushed at Snake. Of course, seeing the pattern of guard deaths this chapter, Snake called upon all his experience as a Black Ops Assassin, and took a step to the side, letting FG111 run down the bottomless pit.

And so, after dispatching the rest of the assault team in various trapdoor related ways, Snake traveled back up the elevator, back through the snowfield, through the nuclear warhead storage, past the commander's room, and finally, through the wolf cave. And so, yet another boss fight began...

Sniper Wolf had been standing on the scaffolding outside Communication Tower A for a good 30 minutes waiting for Solid Snake after she shot Meryl. Normally, it would be no problem for a sniper with the ability to not move a muscle for weeks on end, but of course, laying on the cold metal grating for a half hour wearing a shirt only buttoned halfway up wasn't the brightest idea ever. Waiting for Snake, she cursed her bosses. _"C'mon Wolf. You're a femme fatale, you're supposed to dress like a cheap floozy." he said. Fucking Ocelot._

Snake entered, and the battle began. There wasn't really much to say, it mainly consisted of Wolf running back and forth like target practice and taking potshots while Snake just sat on the ground taking aim and occasionally ducking for cover. There was no snappy dialogue (By "snappy", I mean "disturbingly freudian"). And Wolf, despite her vaunted shooting ability, managed to not kill a man, lying still in the snow, looking at her through the scope of a rifle. And so, one rather monotonous battle later, Snake had defeated the world's deadliest sharpshooter. And then he realized his princess was in another castle... er, I mean, Meryl was nowhere to be seen. Where she once was, there was only some blood splatters.

"Uh, Campbell, if memory serves me correctly, Meryl should be somewhere around that really big puddle of blood, which she currently isn't...".

"Right... fuck. You really dropped the ball on this one, Snake. I mean, sure, you've been like a curse of death for everyone in your previous missions, but I trusted you completely with my niece. Anyone needs me, I'm going to be going through grief counseling.".

"Counseling? You have a psychologist on the sub?".

"Yes... his name is Doctor Daniels. Doctor Jack Daniels." Campbell said, signing off to get wasted.

"So... what now?" Our hero said.

"Hm... I dunno. I guess it would be safe to say you should go north and enter the tower..." suggested Naomi, before signing off.

"Right... anyhoo, I guess I should get going...".

"No! Wait!" Mei Ling yelled.

"Huh?"

"I have more ominous foreshadowing...".

"What do you mean?".

"I think something bad is about to happen. I really think you should save right now...".

"Right... okay. So you've just had a premonition that something bad will happen. Anything specific?".

"If you mean like me saying 'you're about to get captured and tortured by FOX-HOUND' nope, I have no idea what'll happen.". Yep, between the undead ninja warriors, the terrorist nuclear threat, the fact that the love interest had disappeared, and the fact that the game was only half done, Mei Ling's cryptic warning that something bad might happen was pretty unnecessary.

"Fine, I'll save. What's the quote this time?".

"Don't you get it? This is ominous! Ominous, I tell you! I must leave a period of awkward silence, instead of inane banter...".

"Holy shit, that is strange and ominous...".

"..." Mei Ling said, before ending the transmission.

And so, having been saved his game, Snake pressed on ahead, managing to find more ammo and rations, and a pair of bloody footprints leading down from the scaffolding Wolf had been on. Of course, Snake had no doubts that Wolf wasn't planning on ambushing him in, oh, say, five seconds.

As Snake approached the door to Communications Tower A, a group of Genome Soldiers rushed out of hiding, causing Snake to give up. Where were they hiding? I don't know. How did they remain undetected by Snake's magic radar? I don't know. Why did Snake surrender, instead of, y'know, beating the everlasting fuck out of the guards with ease? I don't know.

"Drop your weapons!" FG 90210 shouted, his FAMAS leveled. Now, we've previously seen Snake walk through ahail of gunfire, get hit by a tank cannon, fist fight a superhuman war machine, and magically heal himself via military rations. One would think he wouldn't acquiesce to a pair of guards, but hey, logic's kind of taking a back seat here. Of course, it took about fifteen minutes for Snake to get rid off all his guns, ammo, and explosives, but still...

And so, Wolf sauntered up between the guards, he PSG-1 aimed straight at Snake's heart. "Eet's a little hard to miss at zis range..." She said. "Vomen make better soldier zen men. I am Sniper Volf! I alvayz kill vhat I aim at!". Of course, as we previously established, Snake was perhaps the most inattentive man on the planet. When she realized that Snake wasn't paying attention, she followed his focused gaze down to her rather sizeable chest. "My face ees up here...".

"And strangely, I don't really give a damn.".

Of course, a normal woman would've been offended by Snake's focus on her rack, but Wolf managed to try and out-innuendo Ocelot's silver bullet speech. "You... are my special target... until I kill you... I will zink of no one else...".

"I don't know whether to be terrified or delighted.".

Of course, the FGs were jealous. They never got to do any long-winded speeches about love and warfare and other bullshit. So FG 711 smashed Snake in the face with his assault rifle.

When Snake awoke, he was unable to move and staring at a rather expensive looking light fixture. _Let's recap... Crazy Lady with insanely overdone accent and ridiculous proportions knocks me out and drags me here... to stare at a light fixture... without a shirt on... My God, the humanity..._

"Don't kill him yet..." Our now familiar evil British Voice (TM) said.

"Right-o boss. Just leave everything to me. Good ol' reliable Ocelot.".

"He's my target... mine alone..." Wolf said.

"Christ, why don't the two of you get a room?" Ocelot said.

"Alright, shut up." Liquid sighed. "I have a evil villainous monologue to say. Can you hear me, Solid Snake? Do you know who I am? You stole everything from me! You took my birthright. I fucking hate you and you deserve to die, despite the fact that you're ignorant to everything I'm ranting about! And finally, after thirty long years, the two of us meet... the brother of light... and the brother... of dark...". Snake tuned it out after the word's 'Can you hear me'.

Shaking his head, Ocelot said "Jesus Christ, what's with all the drama? Anyways, shall we continue to talk about our plans to our possibly not unconscious prisoner?".

"Sure. We need Big Boss's DNA to cure the Genome Soldier's mutations and whatnot.".

"And Vashington hasn't given in to our demands... Damn politicians!" Wolf yelled.

"Right... anyways, I think he's awake.".

And so, the evil, metallic, hexagonal... thingamajig Snake was strapped to revolved around, so that Snake was facing the villains. And he came face to face with his identical twin, who still had long blonde hair. And he was wearing a trenchcoat.

"There definitely is a resemblance, eh little brother? Or is it big brother? Ah well, brother, we're the last remaining 'Sons of Big Boss'.". And thusly, Liquid's cell phone rang. Now, you and I have every right to get pissed off at someone who uses their cell phone during a movie or something. But imagine hearing a monotonous evil speech that apparently is just the words 'brother', 'boss', and 'big', strung together in a random order, and then the villain stops to yak it up on their cell phone during the speech. Stupid yuppie supervillains.

"What? Uh-huh? Those IDIOTS! I'll be right over, Raven." Liquid said over his phone. Then he announced to his cohorts, (and to Snake)"The White House just called. They said, instead of getting Big Boss's remains, we could all do something anatomically unlikely to ourselves.".

"Damn Americans!" Wolf yelled.

"So, we're going to launch that nuke?" Ocelot said, messing with his revolver.

"Yep. Anyways, I've got to go" Liquid said. "And Ocelot, I know this probably is giving too big of a clue out, but don't screw up like you did with the DARPA chief.".

"Hey, it was an accident... wait... er... I mean, yes, the DARPA chief told us everything he knew. He definitely didn't die during my interrogation.".

"Oh, and the ninja's killed a fuckload of men. Keep an eye out.".

"The bastard sliced off my hand! I don't need to be told that he's dangerous.".

"And don't forget to feed my goldfish.".

"Sir... just fucking leave already!". With a pouty look, Liquid exited the torture room.

And so, Wolf decided to be extra creepy, just in case Snake didn't get it before he got beaten with a rifle. So, she got up within Snake's personal space. "You're voman ees still alive... for now... And remember... special target.". With that, she turned and left. Of course, Snake and Ocelot took the time to stare at her ass.

Once she was gone, Ocelot spoke again. "Yep... once Wolf picks a target, she won't think of anything else until that target's dead.".

"Uh, yeah. I kinda got that speech earlier.".

"Oh, sorry.".

"By the way, which one of you took my shirt off? Please tell me that it was Wolf".

"Uh... hehe... I don't know..." Ocelot giggled. That line, and the memory of the silver bullet speech, made Snake shudder yet again.

* * *

**BACK IN HELL...**

"-Kssssssh- That's seven shades of creepy, right there.".

"Damn Ocelot. I knew he hung out with Raikov waaaaaaay too much when he was a kid.".

"Yeah, that Ocelot is one weird guy alright.". Came a new voice.

"Octopus! Why are you here? -kssssssssssssh-?".

"Villain. Dead. Hell. Same as you guys.".

"Yeah, but me and Mantis don't suck." With that, Big Boss tossed Decoy Octopus out of his apartment.

* * *

**BACK AT SHADOW MOSES...**

Snake had to ask "Anyways, where is my shirt right now?".

"In that box, containing all the ammo and supplies you took from the NSGF. Yep, we piled it all right here.".

"So... what do we do now?".

"Just a simple, mindnumbingly annoying minigame.".

"Chocobo racing?" Our hero said excitedly.

"Uh... no, I plan on giving you horribly painful electric shocks, repeatedly. Press the circle button repeatedly to regain your strength. If at any times you want the torture to end, press select. However, if you do, I'll kill the woman in return.".

"Okay... so I take it my extesive FFVII playing isn't going to help me?".

"Nope.".

"Ah. Damn.".

"Anyways, remember how there are three card keys? You had one. Where are the other two?".

"I don't know.".

"Baker said there's a trick to using them. What is it?".

"Refer to my above answer. Anyways, why the hell do you want to know about the card keys? I mean, if you just destroyed the one you're carrying, I'd never be able to stop the launch. You don't need to know anything else about them. Hell, you're curiosity is rather suspicious...".

"Suspicious? You don't trust me? Ocelot? I'm the trustworthiest person ever! I was just asking because I need at least some pretence to 'interrogate' you.".

"Uh, right... Anyways, isn't theusing an amazingly illegal interrogation method and threatening the life ofa helpless woman who doesn't know anything on someone who is clueless just torture?".

"Er, I, uh, KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!".

And so, Ocelot pushed the big red button, and... nothing happend.

"Huh? Why isn't this damn thing working?" Said the fried chicken vendor... er... Russian Cowboy.

"I dunno... maybe you should just forget the whole 'torture me until I give up, then murder my girlfriend' thing.".

Ocelot paced, considering the proposal. "I think not. However, this sucks. I'll have to call maintenence, and they make me feel like an idiot.".

And so, the NSGF maintenance staff answered the call. Random Engineer 1 asked Ocelot "What's the problem this time? Did you lock yourself out of the bathroom, again?".

"No, my stupid torture machine isn't working.".

"Aw, C'mon Ocy, I told you, stop using that damn thing. It causes our electric bill to skyrocket.".

"So?".

"Then I have the administrators on my ass about slashing the budget and laying people off. Christ, can't you just tear his fingernails out with pliers or lock him in a room with a starving wolf or something?".

"First, I have to fill out twelve forms in triplicate to borrow tools. And then, Sniper Wolf is like one of those crazy old cat ladies, but she's hot and has wolves instead of cats, and she wouldn't let me borrow them.".

"Okay, let's see here." Random Engineer 1 said, walking around the machine and console, looking for the problem. He soon spotted it. "Ocelot, I think you've just set a new record for doing stupid things...".

"Yeah? What is it?".

"You forgot to plug the fucking machine in.".

"Uh, thanks..." Ocelot said, growing redder by the second.

"Christ. How exactly do you manage to put forth the mental effort to chew your food?". Suddenly, RG1's pager beeped, and looking down, he sighed. "Aw man, it's coming from B2 of the Nuke Storage building. Christ, I hope they don't plan on me cleaning up that mess.". As he exited, RE1 turned towards Ocelot and announced, sarcastically "You're welcome.".

"Fuck you!" Ocelot said, whipping around dramatically.

"How do you manage to chew your food?" Snake asked, grinning. Ocelot responded by pressing the afformentioned big red button.-click-

"OhmyGodthisburnsowowowowow!".

With another -click- as he turned the current off, Ocelot sneered, "Had enough yet?".

"Heh. I didn't feel a thing.".

"Good, we're only getting started.".

"NO! WAIT! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!".-click-

"So, are you ready to give up now?".

"Nev-click- aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggh!".-click-

"How about now?".

"C'mon man, you call **this **torture? Hearing a long, unnecessary speech would be tort -click-arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggh!".

-click-

"Well, I guess now would be a good time to talk about why I'm here." Ocelot announced.

"Wait, a speech revealing you motivations? Shouldn't you wait until I fatally wound you?" Snake asked. He **really** didn't want another speech.

"Trust me, I know things. That's never gonna happen. Anyways, on with the speech.".

"Wait, forget I said anything. I like speeches. Speeches are good. They aren't torture." Said a very fearful Snake.

"Sorry, but I read ahead in the script, and if I don't give the speech here, I won't get the chance. Anyhoo, I joined this rebellion because I like Russia. And it's poor now. But if they had an amazingly deadly mech on their side, they'd be a lot better off." Ocelot said, dramatically turning to Snake...

"Zzzzzzzzzz...".

"I hate you." Ocelot said as he shook his head.

From the doorway of the torture room, Random Engineer 1 yelled "Ocelot! You fucking asshole! You blew out the damn fusebox!".

**BANG!**

"And I accidentally shot you in the face." Ocelot said, shrugging.

**BANG!  
BANG!  
BANG!  
BANG!  
BANG!**

"Six times.".

"Wha? Did I miss something?" Snake said, waking up.

"Uh,well, I, er,the maintenance guy went insane and I had to kill him in self defense. You're a witness. You saw it, self defense, temporary insanity, to much violence in mainstream culture, if the glove don't fit, you must acquit.".

"Okay...".

"And apparently I can't torture you anymore, so, er, I guess I'll have to toss you in a jail cell.".

"With an inept guard?" Snake asked. Of course, the question was quite unnecessary, as Shadow Moses had nothing but inept guards. And inept supervillains. And inept heroes. And snow, which, if it could think, would likely be inept.

"Johnny Sasaki. Nope, before you ask, it doesn't matter that he's physically ill, he recently let your girlfriend out of her jail cell, and he makes you look like Stephen Hawking. Don't be suspicious at all. We certainly don't want you to escape.".

"Okay, but the guard is Johnny Sasaki, right?".

"Yep".

"AWESOME!" . A usual NSGF trooper could've been fooled by a five year old, but Johnny Sasaki, he pioneers new levels of idiocy.

So, will our hero escape? Will he stop the launch? Will Mantis and Big Boss ever let Octopus watch what's going on? Don't miss the next exciting update.

* * *

**Author's note**: I am terribly sorry for the longer-than-usual wait between updates. I'd like to attribute this to an evil outside source, but realistically, the only reason it didn't come earlier was because I am extraodinarily lazy. I had this chapter on my computer, half-complete, since mid-July. 

In other news, next update will be another intermission. After mulling over my options, I've decided to showcase what would happen if certain villains attended support groups. If I manage to not get sidetracked again, I'll see if I can get his done by the end of September.

And finally, my prayers go out to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. I know prayers can't get you food, or water, or a government that knows it's own left foot from a mine detector, but I can't really do anything except donate what I can spare and say I'm sorry.

-DarkGidora


	15. Intermission 2: The trivails of Liquid

Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear, nor am I a licensed psychotherapist.

* * *

"Like bloody Hell I'll agree with that." Liquid Snake said, leering at the man across the table from him. As the commanding officer of FOX-HOUND, Liquid had a lot of shit to put up with. Between keeping Ocelot from attempting to murder half of the government personnel who routinely went through the base, to stopping Psycho Mantis from erasing an entire shopping mall from existence when he found out the movie store had run out of copies of Old Yeller, to trying to figure out how to place a hidden camera in Sniper Wolf's shower stall, he was quite busy. 

Despite all that, there was one duty that raised his ire above all else; dealing with bureaucracy. If Raven threw his back carrying all that ammo, who had to fill out twenty forms in triplicate? Liquid.

When Octopus went AWOL and was discovered leeching the blood of a young Hollywood actor in order to get as much tail as possible, who had to explain to high command? Liquid.

When Wolf discovered the hidden camera, who was brought up on sexual harassment charges? Liquid.

And so there Liquid was, sitting at his desk, listening to some weasely pencil pusher asking him to mess around with a proven formula; crazy fuckers killing stuff.

"Well yes, Mr. Snake, I can understand how someone in your position would be opposed to what I am suggesting, however, the Secretary of Defense is determined to improve the image of the army, and if that means inconveniencing FOX-HOUND members, so be it.".

Sighing, Liquid acquiesced. He might've been a nigh impervious badass, but arguing with a mindless federal office drone was something beyond his power. "Fine, what changes do you have in mind, Mr. Hamilton?".

"Well, first of all, the higher ups want to set up a dress code, similar to every other military unit under the command of the United States.".

"What's wrong with the way we dress?".

"Um, first of all, I doubt showing up at a pentagon briefing wearing bondage gear is appropriate.".

"Heh, Mantis is a card, isn't he?".

"Uh… not, we don't think he is. The gasmask and leather have to go. Also, Raven has to start wearing a shirt.".

"Why?".

"The military generally requires people to wear uniforms, instead of just a pair of jeans. Speaking of which, the general consensus at the pentagon is that you should at least button your trench coat up a bit.".

"What? Why does anyone care what we dress like?"

"Um, remember the time we had you rescue the president of Latveria when he got stuck in a tree last week?".

"Yeah, what about it?".

"Did you read the newspaper the following day?".

"Nah, they lie. I stopped reading after that whole 'Bigfoot marries the Lock Ness Monster' thing.".

"Uh, where did you read this?".

"A newspaper called 'The National Enquirer'.".

"You do know that all their stories are fake, right?".

"Yeah, everyone knows that Bigfoot is gay.".

"Eh… wow. Anyways, the headline of the Times was this..." Hamilton said, raising a issue of the NY Times with a big picture of a half naked tatooedInuit shaman helping a half naked blond guy in a trench coat lift a man in a gasmask and leather to the second branch of a tree, where a guy in a green cape and iron mask was sitting, curled in a fetal position.

"'Gay pride parade rescues Doctor Doom from tree'? I told you papers lie! Bloody fucking FOX-HOUND saved the diabolical supervillain!" Liquid said, furrowing his brow.

"Yes, well, apparently the New York times mistook you for a gay pride parade.".

"What? Jesus, we hired Wolf! How can anyone mistake us for gay then!".

"Apparently, she was too stoned on diazepam and fell asleep before the picture was taken, which brings me to my next point. Wolf goes on rehab. Now.".

"And what next?" Liquid seethed. The whole buttoning up his trench coat issue was something he was really sensitive about.

"Ocelot has to take anger management.".

"And now why's that?". Then Liquid realized he was talking about Revolver Fucking Ocelot, master of plotting against you if you insult his taste in movies, or clothing, or guns, or women, or alcohol, or torture methods, or plans to hijack nuclear weapons, or practically anything else, he said "Maybe the bastard could use it.".

"Glad to see we agree with something. Next, you need to see a competent psychologist, and get your family issues sorted out.".

"What issues?".

"The time you got drunk in public and ranted about how you had the inferior genes that caused you to be a weak loser even though you can survive falling from any height and huge explosions. And the problems you have with your father.".

"God dammit. Got any other crazy ideas?".

"Mantis needs to go to an eating disorder support group. An anorexic on the front lines is just wrong.".

"Yeah. Fucking psychologists. When did you say you wanted us to begin?".

"As soon as possible, preferably by the end of the week.".

* * *

**MEANWHILE, IN THE APARTMENT OF NAOMI HUNTER…**

"C'mon Frankie, I think you need to get your issues sorted out.".

"Naomi, I'm fine. I don't have any issues.".

"Really?" Naomi said to her adoptive brother sarcastically. "I think there are a few things pointing to the opposite. One, you died and came back, which is generally unnatural. Two, you brutally murdered my boss, a bunch of guards, and practically anything else that gets in your way during one of your episodes. Three, there hasn't been a night this week when the kitchen floor isn't covered in dead salmon, come to think of it, where do you get all the salmon? You can't go in water. And four, you seem distant and mysterious all the time when you talk to me…".

"I didn't kill anyone! You can't blame me!".

"Huh? Last time I checked, you killed dozens if not hundreds of people over your life.".

"Eh-heh-heh. Yeah. I'm certainly not hiding anything from you.". Just to note, where the hell else did you think Naomi's weird, 'reveals too much' tendency from?

"Right. Anyways, I looked through the phonebook, and I think I found a support group full of people like you. I think you might even make a few friends.".

Obviously, when has that line ever brought anything good? It's like 'I'll be right back' or 'I didn't know it was illegal, officer. Honest'.

* * *

**BACK AT FOX-HOUND HQ, 3 WEEKS LATER…**

It had been three weeks since that fateful, meeting, and Liquid still wanted to bludgeon Hamilton to death with a small child or animal. Sure, leading a mercenary force comprised entirely of crazy people had already drained away much of his will to live, but now, it went from 'I don't care about my personal safety or that of those around me' to 'Dear lord Jesus, please come down and smite me'.

For one thing, while Wolf was trying to kick her addiction to tranquilizers, she had switched to caffeine. It's one thing to have an eerily detached, unpredictable, femme fatale on the team. It's another thing to have a hyperactive, barely coherent one.

"HiLiquidhowyadoing!".

"Er, Wolf, we need to talk.".

"VhatisitLiquid? Doyouvantsomecoffie?".

"Erm, no. It's just that, I noticed a sudden sharp decline in your marksmanship shortly after you entered rehab.".

"VhatdoyoumeanLiquid?".

"First, you couldn't stand there for five minutes without pulling the trigger, then, you missed the target by a good five feet, and accidentally hit Ocelot, who was sneaking up on him.".

"YeahvellOcelotisactingcreepy.". Liquid sighed. Reasoning with her barely did any good when she was stoned. Now that she was chipper, he felt like he was talking to a squirrel.

"Yes, I know. Since he entered anger management, he hasn't been the same old Russian backstabber.". And that was true.

* * *

**FIVE HOURS EARLIER…**

"Liquid, listen. For the program, I have to get forgiveness for the people in my life who I have wronged. So please, forgive me.".

"Okay, I forgive you for the time you ratted us out to the Russian Mafia. And the time you left me for dead at the bottom of a cliff in Afghanistan. And the time you glued my favorite coffee mug to my desk. And the time you gave me directions to a bar, which turned out to be a gay bar. You're forgiven.".

"Uh, boss, you're forgetting a few things.".

"Such as…".

"Remember the time a grizzly bear was in your office and you were nearly torn in half?".

"You did that? Why the Hell did you put a grizzly bear in my office!".

"Uh, well, it's a long story…".

"Eh, fuck it, it's in the past. And I managed to kill the thing and use it's skull as a paperweight. I think we can all share a good laugh on it now.".

"Oh, and there's the time I told the boys at the pentagon about your hidden camera.".

"The one in Wolf's shower?" Liquid said. Ocelot didn't notice the 'I'm going to bludgeon you to death with this grizzly bear skull' tone in Liquid's voice.

"Yep. Hey, w-what's with the skull?".

* * *

**Back To Liquid and Wolf…**

"Youweretheonewiththehiddencamera!".

"Uh, yeah, why?".

-**boot to the groin!-**

And so, Liquid just laid on the ground, groaning for the next half hour, regretting his accursed lack of discretion.

"OUT OF MY MIND!" Mantis shrieked. As he staggered past Liquid's office, clutching the sides of his head, Liquid couldn't help but be disgusted. Yeah, Mantis wasn't exactly pleasing to look at before he started conforming to military specifications, but can you imagine a portly man with a face that looks like he got to close to a wood chipper, screaming in agony? Yeah, me neither.

"What is it now!".

"W-without my mask I can't stop the thoughts! They just keep coming! STOP!".

_Well, sucks to be Mantis, I suppose. Eh well, at least they made him wear clothes now that he's chubby. Man, it would suck so bad if he was wearing that leather thing._ That's precisely when Liquid realized the whole 'reading thoughts involuntarily' thing.

"Fat, am I!"

**-KABOOM!-**

Yep, Liquid was having a pretty bad day.

* * *

**MEANWHILE, at the Manhattan Hyatt…**

"Okay, this meeting of the 'Crazy resurrected killers with super powers' support group is called to order." One smug guy in a trench coat monotoned.

Gray Fox looked to both of his sides. There were precisely, two people there, including himself and the speaker. He considered leaving, but, hell, he had one important question he had to ask. "Um, why the hell are you calling yourself a killer.".

"I've killed many people over my lifetime. Five today… or maybe six?" He said, grinning slightly. Fox really didn't care about the veiled threat.

"But wait, I thought you advocated peace.".

"Who the hell do you think I am?".

Gray Fox stared forward, then answered nonchalantly "Aren't you Jesus?".

"No… my name is Vamp.".

"Ah. So you can't turn water into booze?".

"No.".

"Then I'm bookin'. See ya.".

"Why the Hell did you come here?".

"My sister threatened to kick me out on the street if I didn't attend. She also said there'd be booze.".

"Hah! When I was a kid, I drank the blood of my entire family, sisters included!".

"Right-oh. Anyways, I'm leaving." Fox said, then stopped as he was getting up. Obviously, Vamp and Fox are both amazingly destructive, superfast assassins. Now, think. If you put two Siamese fighting fish in the same bowl, they'll kill each other.

That rule also apparently applies to undead, matrixesque, murderers.

And so, hunting knives versus katana, the battle raged. Slash, thrust, parry. No quarter was given by either side as the two terrors attempted to finish the other off.

Basically, the fight was bitchin' awesome.

* * *

**MEANWHILE, On the other side of the Hotel…**

"And then, my boss chased me around the office, trying to kill me with a grizzly bear skull-sniff!-…" Ocelot weeped in front of his anger management group.

"That man really does have some issues. Let's all applaud Ocelot's bravery.".

Of course, this intermission needs some wrapping up, so as the next speaker went up to the podium…

**-CRASH!-**

…A Romanian knifethrower was thrown through the wall.

"Is that all you have got?" he said, wiping the blood away from his lower lip.

"Bite me, Count Queerbait!".

"Oh, come on now, I'm sure we can all settle this like reasonable-snkit!- Oh Jesus, my arm! My arm!".

Ocelot stood, frozen, while his eyes, registered the violence before him. "Can't we all just get along?". That was precisely when the severed limb of an anger management instructor hit him in the face. Something that had been recently disconnected had clicked again in Ocelot's head. "Fuck it, I'm back.".

Of course, Ocelot knew when he was outclassed, so he snuck out the back of the room…

Fox was staggered by a kick to his solar plexus. Vamp drew his knives and rushed in for the kill. Fox barely sidestepped, the knives slicing the air his neck had occupied milliseconds ago.

Vamp spun around, connecting with a knife to Fox's faceplate, but Fox had recovered, and drew his sword back…

-sskkkkk-

Vamp now had to deal with a three foot long katana lodged in his upper torso. Of course, he was a tough bastard and all, so he continued swinging at the cyborg, though he had dropped his knives when he got impaled.

So, both villains had one hand around the other's throat, using their free hands to punch. Even so, neither could claim the advantage…

So when a rampaging semi truck smashed down the wall and burst into flames, both were caught off guard.

**BOOM!**

"-kaff- What… what was that?" Fox demanded, rising to his feet. His armor had protected him from the explosion, but it was scorched and barely functional.

"I don't know. But we'll meet again, Mr. Jaeger. We'll meet again." Vamp said, picking his charred self off the ground. Not being metal, the inferno had caused him more damage, so he decided to run until he healed up. He turned and began to run up a wall.

"Dude, I wouldn't do that. I think the explosion damaged the foundation…"

**-SMASH!-**

"Well, I guess since your covered in rubble, I'm the winner. Awesome. Now, I'm gonna go home and bleed a little. Or a lot.".

And so, as Fox sheathed his katana, and began the long walk home, he had to wonder… _who the Hell was driving that truck?_

Strolling up to the wreckage, Ocelot smiled. "Two assholes with one conflagration, not bad…". Whistling the theme to the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, he pondered if his health care plan would cover injuries sustained from jumping out of a stolen semi.

* * *

**-Epilogue-**

"Mr. Snake, you have abandoned all of the changes we advised after only three weeks. Not only that, but Revolver Ocelot stole a semi truck and killed fifty civilians." Mr. Hamilton said, leaning over the table.

"Yeah, but that was stopped a crazy immortal knifethrower and a cyborg ninja, so I call it breaking even.".

"Yes, but…".

"Also, Wolf's sharpshooting is back to being badass, Mantis no longer runs off and reveals my innermost secrets on the FOX-HOUND bulletin board, and I no longer have to ponder where to find a store that sells shirts big enough for Raven.".

"But the oversight committee will most definitely…".

"Screw them. If they want to throw down with our image, I have the perfect counter.".

"What is that?".

"Octopus, would you care to explain?". Hamilton wheeled around, looking at where Liquid gazed. Before he could question the Les Efante Terible's sanity, the stuffed corpse of a grizzly bear ambled up to the desk, sat down, and removed it's head, revealing a guy without a nose or ears.

"Sure boss. Well, after it became apparent that the new FOX-HOUND wasn't working, Liquid had me disguise myself as secretaries, security staffers, aides, and hookers, basically everyone that gets in close to the boys in Washington. It's amazing some of the dirt you can find out on those freaks. Hell, just yesterday, I learned this about Former President George W. Bush…" Octopus leaned in close to Hamilton and whispered.

His face white with terror, his eyes wide, Hamilton stood up, nodded to Liquid, and stammered "W-we have nothing m-more to di-discuss. I-I am con-confident in your decisions about FOX-HOUND, and wish you the best of luck. Good day to you sir.".

As he left, Liquid leaned forward and asked "What did Bush do?".

"Honestly sir, I can't tell you for fear it'll get us kicked off But I can say that whatever it was, Ted Kennedy did it at least twice during the seventies.".

Liquid shrugged, knowing that there were some secrets that he didn't want to know. _Ah, at least this is all settled. Now, I can finally get back to tracking down Solid Snake and making him pay for stealing my birthright. And pay he shall. It will not be quick, nor pleasant. His lamentations will be my symphony, his…_

That's when his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Really?"

"Damn.".

As Liquid hung up the receiver, Octopus had to ask "What's going on, boss?".

"A tiger is loose in the Men's room, Mantis just challenged Ocelot to a rousing game of 'destroy everything in sight', and the store I buy my hidden cameras from just went out of business.". Then, remembering the past month, he shrugged. "Other than that, it's a wonderful life.".

* * *

Author's note: Yep, second intermission down. Anyways, I'd like to say expect another update soon, but we all know how that ends up. I've got an RE3 fanfic I've been neglecting, and school is taking it's toll. But I'll try to get another chapter up before Thanksgiving. 


	16. Of Ketchup and Jailbreaks

Disclaimer: Does anyone ever read this anymore? Metal Gear isn't mine, yadda, yadda…

* * *

"Shnake, are you okay?" Colonel Campbell asked. Ever since Meryl had disappeared, he'd been drinking a hell of a lot of cheap alcohol. 

"I'm not sure. Hmm… Let's see. I'm currently locked in a cell. I recently experienced painful electric shocks. And the countdown until the terrorists turn a city into dust is still going. ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT? I AM IN DEEP TROUBLE YOU MORON!"

"-hic- You're my besht friend."

"Right…" Naomi sighed. "How's Meryl?"

"…".

Naomi repeated. "Snake, how's Meryl?"

"…"

"SNAKE!"

"… what?"

"How's Meryl? And why weren't you talking?"

"Oh, uh, well, I figured you'd be giving me another gene speech, so I tuned you out. Sorry about that. Anyways, yeah, I don't know where Meryl is.".

"Thish callsh for a shot!" A drunk as Hell Colonel Campbell said.

"Uh, Roy, no, this is bad. It doesn't call for a shot.".

"Awwww. Anywaysh, I guessh It'sh time to arbitrarily inform you that the White Houshe has refushed to give in to the demandsh.".

"Y'know, I heard the exact same thing from Liquid and the other villains…".

"-hic!- Oh yeah… Did he tell you that erm, er yeah, Metal Gear firesh a new type of nuke! Ishn't that aweshome?".

"Wait, you knew about this from the start!" Snake growled.

Naomi tried to cover up "Er, uh, plausible deniability, the president didn't know it, and nobody thought that you, the guy who trashed two Metal Gears in the past, would wonder anything about REX's new abilities.".

"And any other reasons?".

Ignoring Naomi's attempt to keep him from spouting off classified intel, the now completely fucking wasted Campbell continued to spill everything. "Oh yesh, and the Preshident ish shigning a new anti-nuke treaty tomorrowsh! That'sh like, really funny! And he shaysh that he doeshn't like the ideash of a genome army!".

Snake dropped to his knees. _Christ. Does no one think I care why I'm being sent to a deadly terrorist stronghold? I know that_ _I get constantly lied to by these bastards, but this is getting kinda over-the-top here. And by kinda, I mean "REALLY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING over-the-top…_After some more moping, our hero noticed the rotting corpse of Mister Anderson. No, not the bad actor that fought Elrond in the Matrix, I meant Donald Anderson, the DARPA Chief.

"AHHHH! ZOMBIE PENCIL PUSHER!".

Of course, this isn't an RE fic, so the corpse just sat there, rotting while bugs crawled over it. I'd like to know what kind of bugs can live in the Alaskan permafrost, and only appear when a corpse needs to look extra rotting.

"Snake, what's wrong? Answer me! Snake… SNAAAAAAKE!".

"Jesus. Naomi, I'm sorry about the false alarm. Eh, it's just they flung me in the same cell as the DARPA Chief's corpse, and it's all icky and gross and stuff.".

"But he died 10 hours ago. He can't possibly be decomposed that bad.".

"And it's like all his blood's been drained out. Weird.".

"Yeah, anyways, Snake, seeing as how you are currently what we in the medical profession refer to as "screwed", let's have a pointless chat on family, instead of trying to figure out why someone would drain the chief's blood.".

"Yeah, I mean, I should be focused on escaping, but what harm could babbling about our everyday lives bring about?"

"So… yeah, family's not a good topic for me. It's kinda complicated. What about your family, Snake?".

"I burned my biological father to death with a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter.".

* * *

**BACK IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL…**

"-kssssssh- A can of hairspray?".

"It's a long story.".

"And here I thought the 'second controller' was an ignoble way to die. –kssssssssh-.".

"Fuck you.".

"Guys? Can I come in yet?".

"Excuse me, my mistake. Fuck you BOTH.".

* * *

**BACK IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING…**

"Man, the greatest soldier ever, dying like a complete pansy. That's just awesome." Naomi said, earning her a coveted 'Fuck you' from Big Boss.

"So that's cold blooded patricide, the trauma me and Mantis share, etc. What about your family?".

"I had an older brother, not a blood relation. Died in some sort of minefield brawl mishap.".

"Sad to here that. Ah well, at least I got my friends, Colonel Roy Campbell..."

"YOU DA' MAN SHNAKE!".

"… right. And of course, my Old buddy, Gray Fox.".

"Didn't you kill him too?".

"Yeah, but he was a badass. It wasn't personal, just my job.".

"That's horrible! Even from a totally neutral, non-revenging standpoint, that's pretty reprehensible.".

"Yeah, pretty much. So, how did you get so hooked on genetics?".

"To find out who I really am. You see, genetics store memory and control fate and …".

"Yeah. I get the point. Wow, your long winded diatribes don't seem as completely irrational anymore…".

"And despite your murdering, sociopathic, unjustifiable bloodlust, I don't think you're a complete asshole anymore…"

"I LIKE SHCISSHHORS!".

"Thank you for ruining this brilliant character moment, Roy.". With that, our hero signed off, and decided to plan his brilliant escape. _Hmm… Escaping this Cell will require tact, guile, and the brilliant skills I've gleaned from years of mercenary work…_

"Grr… that witch. Atchoo! She took my clothes. And now my cold is worse. And I've got diarrhea. This is the worst day of my life. Hell, even worse than the time at Outer Heaven when that guy with the bandanna kicked my ass…" The nearby guard moaned.

_Screw tact and guile, this'll be a snap…

* * *

_

**5 minutes of poorly thought out planning later…**

"Hey, nerd." Snake said over the CODEC.

"Snake, don't call me a nerd. It hurts my self esteem!".

"And electricity fucking hurts my body. I've been captured and tortured. I need some help.".

"Captured and tortured? Egad! Where are they keeping you?".

"The room with the big ass torture machine in it.".

"Oh. I'll be right there.".

* * *

With Otacon on his way, Snake decided to start phase II of his brilliant escape plan. "Hey, guard.". 

"Shaddap in there, willya!".

"Listen, please let me go.".

"Shaddap in there, willya!".

"You are a fucking moron.". And that's compared to Snake there, folks.

"Shaddap in there—oh Jesus! My stomach! Urgh!" And with that, Johnny proceeded to run straight through the external door of the jail area, into the torture room, and into the nearby restroom. While he was gone, Otacon showed up.

"Are you okay, Snake?".

"Let's recap. Tortured. Shirtless. Locked up with a dead guy. Shirtless. Lacking any weaponry or gear. Shirtless. Bored as hell. Shirtless. Do you get my point?".

"Ah. So, I guess you want to escape, so here's some supplies.".

"Let's see here… A bottle of ketchup, one of those magical rations, another keycard, and a handkerchief. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!".

"Er… I uh…".

"Hell, you could've used the keycard to get me some C-4, then I could blow the goddamn lock off. But no, I have a condiment and a tissue. Brilliant! Where'd you even get that tissue?".

"Sniper Wolf gave it to me. She's nice to me.".

Snake ignored that dreamy, happy quality when Otacon said 'Sniper Wolf', and replied "That witch. She shot Meryl. I'll kill her when I get out.".

"C'mon Snake, she saved all the dogs. I mean, if she likes dogs, she must be a good person, right?". That was it. The sheer, concentrated idiocy in the conversation overtook Snake, who fell over in a fetal position.

"Dear God, what have I done to have this inflicted on me?".

"Snake, I gotta go, the guards coming back."

"Why don't you use your invisibility and take him out? Jesus, it's not like that'd be hard. It's Johnny Freakin' Sasaki.".

"But I'm no soldier.".

"I doubt that Sasaki even counts as a sentient being, much less a soldier.".

"Er, Away with me!" Otacon yelled, turning on his camo and running away.

Sighing, Snake resigned himself to using Plan B. He waited until Sasaki was right outside the cell door, the perfect distance, Snake lined up and prepared himself for the attack…

"Hey, sickly guard guy, want some ketchup?".

"Ketchup? Oh boy!".

And so, Johnny opened the door, rushed in, and closed the door behind him. He then readily readily held out his hands, "Gimme ketchup!".

Snake complied and watched as Johnny greedily consumed the precious tomato-based food covering thing. "Okay, we're friends now. So, can you let me out of here?".

"Sorry, can't do that.".

"But, I gave you ketchup.".

"No, I mean physically, I can't. I just remembered when I closed the door, it doesn't open from the inside. Hey, what's with that glance?".

"Bad news, bub. You just pissed me off.".

"Uh, so, what are you gonna do?".

**BAM!  
WHACK!  
CRUNCH  
POW!  
RANDOM PUNCH NOISE!  
CRACK!**

And so, Snake was trapped in his cell, with just a dead government official, and a comatose terrorist as company. All of a sudden, his radar shorted out, that creepy ninja gurgling music started playing, and a stealth camo silhouette showed up.

"Otacon?"

**SLICE!**

"Ah, Otacon, I knew you'd be back, with a plan to get me free that wasn't completely goddamn retarded.". Of course, that's roughly when the door fell into two pieces, the silhouette flashed and leapt away. Snake immediately turned on his CODEC.

* * *

"Otacon, did you just rush into the torture room, slice the cell door in half, and then backflip away?". 

"No, but couldn't you escape on your own, with the supplies I got?".

"What was I supposed to do?"

"Use the ketchup as fake blood to fool the guard into entering your cell, whereupon you'd beat him senseless.".

"That's idiotic. That'd require MacGuyver like ingenuity.".

"Hey, you killed Big Boss with a aerosol can, right? Anyways, you look like MacGuyver.".

**

* * *

MEANWHILE, IN THE PERILOUS DEPTHS OF BB's APARTMENT… **

"Why the fuck does everyone have to keep mentioning that! WHY!".

**

* * *

BACK AT SHADOW MOSES… **

"I look nothing like MacGuyver.".

"If you grew a mullet, I swear you'd look like him.".

"Trust me, geekface, Solid Snake will NEVER be scene with a mullet. Hell, the odds of a mulleted me are about as likely as me getting replaced by a effeminate albino guy with an annoying girlfriend.". With that, Snake signed off, and proceeded to rushinto the torture room, grabbing his gear.

Five secondslater, the now fully-clothed, fully-armed Solid Snake stood at the foot of the Communication tower._ Man, I'm glad to be out of that cell. It felt like I was in there for five months.But hey,my good buddyGray Fox busted me out, and now I'm ready to get some payback.Anyways, let's bring on the next obligatory plot device…_

Oh, if he only new the backflipping, slow-motion perils that stood before him.

* * *

Author's note: Well, Another chapter down. As much as I'd like to say expect the next chapter soon, I have been way busier in school and work than last year, so it's kinda unlikely that you'll be seeing it, at least for a while. Sorry. 


	17. Stairs, Hinds, and Katamaris

Disclaimer: Metal Gear. Not mine.

* * *

Solid Snake, infamous badass Black Ops guy, slowly walked down the hall of the first floor of Comm. Tower A. _Wow. Not even a single guard posted. Good thing too, my radar's been jammed. Man. Wonder how anyone can be so dumb as to leave an area this huge so unguarded. _That's promptly when Snake walked under the magical plot device cannot be jammed surveillance camera. _Oh… FUCK!_

And so, Snake began running down the hall as numerous FGs rushed down the corridor from whence he came. Despite being chased by at least 3 guards, Snake stopped to pick up a nylon rope while he ran his ass off. _Hmm… okay, guys are shooting at me. Guess this is the perfect time to get some rope…_

And so, after retrieving the cord, Snake proceeded to run like hell up the conveniently placed enormously huge staircase, while the guards followed. Then Snake remembered something. He was Solid Fucking Snake, and had a pocketful of rations and enough ammo to win World War III. _Screw running…_

FG 90210 had been closest to Snake, and he was eager to recapture the bandana'd one. "Don't let him get –HURK!" he yelled to his colleagues, as Snake put him a chokehold, and proceeded to use him as a human shield.

"Nobody move, or you're friend dies."

"Dude, that guy's an asshole. Hell, you'd be doing us a favor."

"Enough of a favor for you to let me go?"

"No."

"Oh. In that case, uh, DIE!" Snake said, shoving 90210 into the crowd and opening fire with his FAMAS.

Sighing, he turned his back from the grisly scene in front of him, and proceeded to climb the staircase.

And climb…

And climb…

And climb…

And… screw this, let's just skip to the next interesting part, 'kay?

As Snake reached the 20th flight of stairs, he suddenly realized why Naomi had a problem with him smoking. And so, as he leaned heavily on the railing, wheezing and coughing like that 4-armed robot sith guy from Star Wars, the rest of the guards in the tower that Snake hadn't killed approached him from all sides.

"Don't move!"

"-kaff- What?"

"Freeze!"

"Aw, come on man. Can't you let a guy cough his lungs up in peace?"

"No.".

"Aw fuck, we already did this. DIE!"

And so, as Snake reached out to grab the nearest FG and pummel him with his kung fu, the rest of the guards charged at him. Unfortunately, one of the guards shoelaces was untied. As he tripped, the rest of the guards fell. Pretty soon, everybody was just tangled up in a ball.

"Wha?"

"Dude, let go of me!"

"Jesus Christ, I'm the one being crushed here, just back off!"

"Okay… let's see. I think I now how we all can get loose. Snake, try to wriggle free of FG 19. FG 47 shift your weight backwards until…"

"Dude, we're rolling. That's not good."

And so, the hero and his evil katamari rolled down the stairs…

And down…

Anyways, FG 90210, who had managed to survive the earlier massacre, had already managed to limp to the 10th floor, when suddenly, as he looked up, he saw a nightmare he had after he got drunk and watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and Soylent Green… a giant sphere bearing down on him… and it was made of people. PEOPLE!

"Oh shit."

And so, Snake and his slightly larger Katamari of evil continued rolling down the stairs, until it reached the ground floor and struck a wall, knocking half it's occupants out.

"Jesus Christ man, that hurt."

"I can't feel my legs."

"Eh, walk it off…"

"Where'd Snake go?"

"I dunno, hey, what's that on you're back?"

"Whaddaya mean, what's on my back?"

"Looks like clay."

"How'd I get a block of clay on my back?"

"I dunno. Hmm… it's beeping. Weird…"

"Yeah, weird. Wait, clay, beeping, that's not normal…"

"Aw fuck!"

-**BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-**

And so, after having wasted all the terrorists with a single block of C-4, Snake turned and thought to himself. _Ah, now all the guards are dead, and I am free to continue on my mission, by climbing all… these… stairs… again. FUCK!_

And so, after Snake reached the top of the staircase (where he promptly passed out), he climbed the ladder leading up… to the Roof of Comm. Tower A.

* * *

"Okay Snake" Otacon said over the CODEC, "All you need to do now is cross the narrow, unprotected, totally exposed bridge connecting the two segments of the Communications tower. 

"That's it?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Well, don't bridges have a tendency to be hazardous?"

"What do you mean? Bridges can never be dangerous. Be realistic here."

* * *

**2001: Zanzibar Land Crisis… **

"C'mon Snake, all we've got to do to rescue Doctor Marv is cross this bridge, enter the detention camp, and find his cell. It'll be easy."

"Sure, whatever you say Natasha. Ladies and nerdy scientists first. Man, this is a good sturdy bridge here…". That's promptly when a missle blasted the bridge to Hell.

**-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-**

"Snake!" A familiar voice shouted.

"Fox!" Snake yelled back at his old warbuddy, Gray Fox, who wasn't a completely freaking badass cyborg ninja yet. Oh yes, he was freaking badass, but not completely freaking badass. Or a cyborg. Or a ninja. Or a masochist. Or however many other careers that he had as of chapter 10.

"Snake, we're buddies. I'll let you live if you just walk away."

"Never!"

"Come on Snake, don't make me kill you. I don't want to use this cool mech to kill my friends. I just want a chaotic world so I can be with my girlfriend, Natasha."

"Uh, wow. That's kinda ironic…"

"What was that?"

"Er, nothing…"

* * *

**1964: Operation Snake Eater**

"Snake! We've got to destroy that bridge!" Eva yelled, stopping her motorcycle so that Naked Snake, infamous badass Black Ops guy, could have a clear shot at the explosives on the bridge.

"SNAKE! It's not over yet!" Colonel Volgin screamed from inside the armored hide of the Shagohod. Unfortunately, his only means for getting to Snake (to prove how really not over it was) was said bridge. Two well-placed SVD shots later and…

**-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-

* * *

**

**1964: Virtuous Mission**

"Boss? What are you doing hear?" Naked Snake asked his mentor.

"Me, hornet guy, Boba Fett guy, the breaks his own limbs invisible guy, and really old sniper guy are all going to help Volgin overthrow Kruschev. And rekidnap that nerd you got there. And blow up America.". That's promptly when hornet guy and breaks his own limbs invisible guy grabbed Sokolov and ran.

"Really, me and my gun here say differently…" Snake said.

**AMAZING CQC ACTIONY GUNBREAK THING!**

"Okay, screw the gun. Me and my knife here say differently…"

**AMAZING CQC ACTIONY ARMBREAK THING!**

"Ahhhh! That really fucking hurt…"

"Who the fuck is that guy?" Colonel Volgin asked.

"Oh, he's my apprentice."

"What?"

"Two there should be, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice."

"Cool, Boss, can I get a lightsaber then?" Snake asked. Of course, I think we all know the Boss's response…

**AMAZING CQC ACTIONY TOSS SNAKE OFF OF A BRIDGE THING!

* * *

**

"Okay Otacon, I guess you're right. Onto the bridge." Snake said as he turned of the CODEC.

As he approached the narrow bridge over a huge gap, Snake could think of only one thing… _I wonder if they get STARZ on that giant ass satellite dish…_

All of a sudden, a barrage of missiles flew past him, and blasted the giant ass satellite dish to kingdom come…

**-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!-**

"Damn!" Snake yelled.

"Snaaaaaake!" Our evilly voiced British friend yelled out. "I'm afraid I can't let you get past here."

"Liquid!" Snake said, obviously shocked at the fact that Liquid would be doing what he did at the goddamn start of the game, piloting a Hind-D.

"You're not going any farther. DIE!"

Rushing to the side of the Comm. Tower, Snake looked down. About halfway down the side, there was another connecting bridge.

Again, it was about halfway down the 200+ foot tall tower.

"It's a long way down. If only I had a rope. I should be able to use that rope I got." And no, I'm not making that up. He actually said he needed a rope, then suddenly remembered he had one since the beginning of this chapter.

"What are you going to do? Take on a Hind with your bare hands?" Liquid mocked. And Snake actually considered it, seeing as the Hind seemed to be pieced together with duct tape and superglue. But then he decided to just go down the side of the building.

Tying the rope to the railing at the side, Snake proceeded to leap off the side of the building. It was at that moment, when gravity began to tug him down, when Liquid proceeded to demolish the roof with more missiles, that Snake had an epiphany: _I'm leaping down the side of a building, holding a single nylon rope, while being hounded by an attack chopper. WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS!_

So join us for our next exciting chapter, when Snake finds out how to make rappelling without a safety harness, while being attacked by a helicopter even more extreme: exploding steam vents. Also, We go for an in depth look at how missiles and common sense are trumped by backflips and love blossoming on a battlefield.

* * *

Author's note: Wow. This is the first time since about chapter 5 that an update hasn't been horribly delayed. Yay me! 


	18. The Matrix: Redundancy

Disclaimer: Metal Gear. Not mine.

* * *

As we last left our hero, he had just leaped off of a tall building while holding on to a nylon rope attached to the roof of said building with a simple square knot. Genius incarnate, that Solid Snake. 

Anyways, as he managed to plant his feet firmly on support beam, he realized something. Something that he really should've considered before deciding to rappel off of a high rooftop. _How the Hell do you rappel?_

At that instant, Liquid's broken down Hind helicopter buzzed past, shooting its machine gun at the building. Over a loudspeaker in the chopper, Liquid was laughing like a maniac, but silently, to himself, he was boiling over with rage. _Solid Snake… you stole everything from me! Your dominant genes caused father to place you on a pedestal, while he reviled me. But no longer! I shall have my revenge! For you see, my insidious machinations have just began to draw you in. You shall suffer like never before! I will destroy you, and doing that, I will tear down father's legacy and replace it with my own! I shall… shall… er, where was I going with this again? Eh, I shall, uh, kick your ass you little sissy. Yes, sissy. C'mon, let's see, I can wander around sub zero Alaska in a trench coat, but you need that little high-tech sweater. Sneaking suit my ass, it's a goddamn sweater with a bulletproof vest glued on it. Girly man. And that gay looking bandanna. Oooh, look at me, I'm Solid Snake, I have a bandanna. I'm so badass. Moron._

Moving away from Liquid's retarded soliloquy, Snake was talking over the CODEC to Colonel Roy Campbell.

"Yesssh, Shnake? Wassssshup?"

"Listen, you drunken bastard, I fucking need one of you're patented 'Breaks the fourth wall so people who are too lazy to read the fucking instruction manual aren't totally lost' dissertations here! How am I supposed to rappel?"

"Pressh the acshun button to kick. Pressh the crawl button too… who the fuck amsh I kiddin'? Jush mash the shircle button while messhin' wid da' analog shtick until you reach the bottomsh."

"Uh, thanks."

And so, Snake proceeded to continue on his journey downward, as Liquid periodically shot at him. Just as Snake was getting used to having Liquid miss him by a mile every time he flew past, he landed on another beam. Suddenly, he was aware of the fact that superheated steam was coming out of the pipes. _Wait. Why the fuck is there steam here? Shouldn't the pipes carrying really hot water be, y'know inside? So the stuff can't freeze and shatter the pipes? And what if these pipes are carrying water for an important purpose? Wouldn't Liquid's blasting them to kingdom come with his wildly inaccurate shooting be detrimental to the terrorist's cause? _Well, actually, that's what DarkGidora was thinking. Snake, on the other hand was more or less just thinking _HOLYMOTHEROFGODTHISISFUCKINGHOT!_

Despite the fact that he was engulfed in steam several times on his way down, and Liquid did manage to hit Snake with a stray 12.7 mm bullet, Snake somehow retained his grip on the rope. Yes, neither Liquid's gunfire nor the steam could cause Solid Snake's downfall. Snake's shoddy knot-tying ability, on the other hand, could. And so, as Snake's hastily conceived connection between the security railing and the rope began to come loose, Snake realized one thing… _Okay… I guess the guys at the Boy Scouts were correct when the refused to give me my knot-tying merit badge. Fuck. _And he fell…

After summoning the effort to pick his broken, battered body off the ground, Snake realized he had managed to reach his goal. And so, as he began to cross the second connecting bridge, he spotted a trio of Genome Soldiers standing at the other end of the bridge. _Heh. Stupid bastards. They can't see more than five feet in front of them, yet they're just standing their. Morons._ Unfortunately, Snake should've remembered the magical plot device cannot be jammed camera from the last chapter, because these were the magical plot device can see more than five feet in front of them genome soldiers.

And so Snake was yet again felled by gunfire. Magical plot device knocks you on your ass so you can't engage the guards up close gunfire, to be precise. And so, Snake backed away a little. The guards may have been able to see more than five feet in front of them, but more than twenty? The very thought of an MGS guard having normal visual acuity was absurd.

And so, Snake picked off the trio with his handy PSG-1, and proceeded to walk forward onto the bridge when all of a sudden…

"Nyahahaha!" Liquid's helicopter finally made a reappearance. _Now Snake, feel the wrath of your brother. Father detested my existence, however, I shall strike you down, and then in whatever Hell he may be, he will know which of us is truly deserving. Your sun will set, as my darkness shall consume the sky! Fuck. I'm carrying on a-fucking-gain. Maybe next time, I should actually say the goddamn speech instead of thinking it. He can't read my mind. Jesus, I have to keep reminding myself, this isn't the X-men. Superior genes don't necessarily mean telepathy. But they do mean having a bastard motherfucker as a father. Eh, I guess I'll just shoot Snake now._

Unfortunately for Liquid, he didn't shoot fast enough, as Snake had already crossed the bridge and entered Comm Tower B while Liquid was still making a speech.

"Memo to self: Stop having a brooding internal monologue while piloting a helicopter."

* * *

Anyways, the very fucking first room Snake was in, as soon as he entered the Communication's tower, contained a Stinger Surface-To-Air missile. _Wow. This is convenient. Liquid's pissing me off with his attack helicopter, and not five minutes later, I find the perfect weapon to shoot that bastard out of the sky. What a coincidence. Maybe I should ask the CODEC guys if they think it's more than a coincidence.

* * *

_"Shnake, that'sh jusht luck. There'sh definitely no real conspirashies or something." Said our drunken friend, Roy Campbell.

* * *

Naomi was also rather useless. "Damnit Snake, I'm a doctor, not a coincidence-likelihood determiner person."

* * *

Mei Ling actually had something relevant to say. "There is an old Chinese proverb. 'When life gives you a giant ass missile launcher, send your brother to hell with it.'. I think that advice applies well in this situation." 

"You just made that up on the spot. Didn't you?"

"No, it was said by Confucius. Cross my heart and hope to die."

* * *

"Master, do you think me finding this missile is more than a coincidence?". To his great surprise, Master didn't respond. _I wonder where he is. I guess he's probably just thinking of some real good advice to give me or something. What a pal.

* * *

_Nastasha just had yet another dissertation. "The FIM-92 Stinger missile was orginially developed in the 1960s to replace the Redeye SAM…" That's about when Snake tuned out.

* * *

Meryl and Deepthroat didn't respond.

* * *

And as for Otacon, well, "D00d! It's like one of my favorite animes, when the hero guy was all like... wait, did you just hang up on me? I'm so lonely…"

* * *

And so, adding yet another completely fucking huge weapon and over a dozen rockets to his inventory, Snake was not slowed down in the slightest. Anyways, after trying to get to the bottom of the tower via the staircase, he found out that some random asshole must've held a grudge against stairs, because the stairs leading to the ground floor were destroyed. Shrugging, he turned around and decided to go the opposite way. 

When he reached the mid-point of the tower, the place where he had originally entered from, he heard a noise around the corner. Leaping out, his SOCOM drawn, Snake spotted another stealth camouflage silhouette.

"Ah. Fox! Thought you'd sneak up on me this time, heh? Well, you can't get the drop on Solid Snake. MORTAL KOMBAT!"

**BAM!  
CRACK!  
SMASH!  
****KIDNEY PUNCH!  
POW!**

"Wa-wait, It's me! Otacon!"

"Oh. Sorry 'bout that."

"Fuck. Why'd you hit me in the kidneys? I'm gonna be pissing blood for a week."

"Okay geekface, how'd ya get here?"

"I hid in the back of a truck."

"Ah. But the stairs are destroyed."

"Yeah, that's why I took the goddamn elevator. N00b" Otacon said, gesturing towards the elevator three feet to his right. "Anyways, you kicked ass with that rappelling. Man, it's like an action movie."

"Whatever. Anyways, could I use the elevator to go down?"

"Nope. It's broken."

"Can you fix it?"

"Yeah, but it will take some time."

"Enough time for me to engage in an arbitrary boss fight that has nothing to do with you fixing the elevator?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Okay nerd. I'm off to kill my brother."

"Wait. Before you go, I have a question?"

"Okay poindexter, let's hear it."

"Have you ever loved someone?"

"Er… I don't think I like the direction that this conversation is flowing."

"I just want to know, do soldiers feel love?"

"Otacon, there's a right and a wrong time for every conversation."

"Snake, do you think love can bloom on a battlefield?"

"Okay Otacon. Listen. I do not care what Campbell may have told you, Solid Snake is a ladies' man, okay? Frankly, this entire conversation is waaaaaaaay too 'Brokeback' for my tastes."

"What? Oh Jesus, I wasn't hitting on you."

"Then what were you implying?"

"Do you think that a hot chick with psychotic tendencies and a big gun could fall in love with a nerd like me?"

"No." And so, after crushing Otacon's soul, Snake climbed up the stairs.

And climbed…

And climbed…

And eventually reached the top of Communication Tower B. As soon as he walked out onto the roof, Liquid's Hind flew past.

"So the Snake's finally come out of his hole!" Liquid said, then reconsidered what he just said. "Er, did that sound a little to Freudian?"

"Eh, frankly, I could give you the details of a conversation I had three minutes ago that would outcreepy what you just said, but I disgress."

"Okay, well then. Are you ready now, my brother?"

"Why do you keep calling me brother? Who the Hell are you?"

"I'm you! I'm you're shadow!"

Suddenly, Snake wheeled around, facing his own shadow. "IMPOSTER!" Our hero yelled, emptying his FAMAS at his own damn shadow.

"It was a metaphor, you twit!".

"Oh. Then, what do you mean?"

"Ask the father that you killed. I'll send you to Hell to meet him!"

* * *

MEANWHILE, IN HELL 

"Jesus Christ. Mantis is here, Octopus wants to be here, and now Snake's gonna show up? What the fuck? I'm running out of room!".

* * *

And so, the battle of the brothers began. Liquid circled the roof in his dilapidated Hind, strafing Snake with machine gun fire. Meanwhile, Snake just stood in one spot, blasting the helicopter with stingers. Despite the fact that Liquid's chopper was only held together by the grace of duct tape and glue, it stayed in the air after a surprising amount of hits. 

Finally, bored with watching his Hind's lifebar decrease every time Snake drew a bead on him, Liquid decided to change tactics. "EAT THIS!" the villain shouted, as a duo of air to ground missiles streaked towards Snake.

Watching the pair of explosives rush at him, Snake could only think of one thing. _Spider senses, tingling. Must backflip!_

And lo, our hero jumped in the air, as the first missile impacted. Then, flipping over in the air, he springboarded off the second missile. Yep, it defies physics, and you'd think a 175+ lb. man jumping on a missile would cause it to blow up, but hey. So now that he was suddenly twenty feet in the air, Snake accurately shouldered, sighted, and launched another stinger.

Perhaps it was the shock of getting hit by over a dozen missiles. Or perhaps it was the sheer lunacy of Snake deciding to become as acrobatic as a coked up Ryu Hayabusa. Either way, the missiles or the lunacy, Liquid's Hind finally gave up futilely trying to stay airborn.

"C'mon fly. Damn!" Looking at Snake, Liquid decided to just randomly blurt out crap, instead of, y'know, bailing out of his exploding chopper. "KHAAAAAAAAN! Er, SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

**BOOM!**

Looking over the railing at the giant conflagration that Liquid's Hind now was, Snake could only think of one thing. _He's gotta be dead. Unless he has rations. But I think I'm the only one here who has that trick. _"Well, that takes care of the cremation.".

Suddenly, his CODEC rang, and he answered.

"Snake, I got the elevator working."

"Great job, nerdface. I just killed my brother."

"Cool. Anyways, I guess I should tell you, the elevator is creepy. Beware it's strange and mysterious ways…"

"Whatever. Well, let's see what awaits us next." Said our hero, signing off. Almost immediately, his CODEC rang again.

"Otacon, didn't we cover everything in our last conversation?" Snake said, and then, looking at the picture the CODEC supplied him with, realized that it wasn't Otacon, but a different obsessive ninny. A bald ninny in a leather trench coat with a truly awesome voice…

"Neo… it took some time for us to track you down…"

"What, who is this?"

"Call me Morpheus…"

"What the Hell is going on!"

"We need to talk. About the Matrix."

"Alright, if this is a prank call, I will shoot your mailbox."

"The Matrix, Neo, we need to talk about it."

"Alright, screw this, shut up baldy, I've got terrorists to kill.".

"Neo, this is important."

"Who the Hell is Neo? I'm not Neo. I'm Solid Goddamn Snake."

"But you are the one. You must be. No one else can move like you can."

"Listen baldy. I'm not fucking Neo."

"Justone lastquestion, would you like a red pill… or a blue pill?"

"Drugs are bad, got it?"

Sighing, Snake turned off the CODEC. After all, he had more important things to do than have a pointless conversation with a pill popping prank caller. Such as fighting invisible guards, having a rematch with Sniper Wolf, and reenacting Old Yeller, all of which will be shown next chapter.


	19. Old Yeller Revisited

Disclaimer: Metal Gear still does not belong to Doom. CURSE YOU REED RICHARDS!

* * *

Solid Snake stood in front of the elevator control panel in Comm Tower B. Otacon had fixed it, promptly before informing Snake that it was strange and ominous. And so, as the elevator ascended to Snake's level, he mentally prepared himself for whatever evil may have been lurking in the lift. _Nothing can surprise me. Whatever dark horror that haunts the dreams of the bravest men… whatever Lovecraftian terror bursts from the tortured depths of that damned lift…I will not be stopped… oh, this is just a fucking empty elevator. Gypped. _And so, Snake boarded the damned device, quickly gathering his thoughts for the journey ahead.

­**BEEEP!**

"Aah! Strange beeping noise!" Our hero screamed as he jumped like a little girl. Realizing that the beep was just a weight limit warning, he regained his composure and pressed the button. And all was well… until Hal Emmerich called…

* * *

"Snake, I kinda need to say something to you…"

"Is it another love on the battlefield thing?"

"No, of course not."

"Are you sure?"

"Er, yeah…"

"Then hurry it up…"

"There were five stealth camouflage prototypes in my lab."

"Then why the hell didn't you give me one when we first met? It could've saved me a mighty fuckload of trouble. Bastard."

"Snake, think of the situation my way. If you had been kidnapped by terrorists, threatened by a ninja, insulted by a crazy jackass with a bandanna, and were in dire need of a change of pants, would you remember every little detail?"

"Er, okay, I guess you have a point there…"

"Anyways, after getting the elevator working I returned to my lab…"

"Wait. You finished fixing this thing five minutes ago, how can you be back at your lab?"

"I ran through a plot hole… anyways, there were five suits. I'm wearing one. So that makes four extra suits."

"This ain't first grade math class.".

* * *

**FLASHBACK TO SNAKE'S FIRST GRADE CLASS, 197X**

"Okay, who can answer this question? What is five minus one?"

"Teachew?"

"Yes, what is it Dave?"

"Wen awe we ever going to need dis? I mean, fwankly, I am pwanning on joining the military when I grow up, and math is kinda wetarded." Yes, aside from a slight speech impediment, Solid Snake sounded exactly the fucking same back than as he did now.

"Snake, imagine if, in the military, you were trapped on an elevator with four guys. Then, you find out that your nerd friend had made five invisibility systems, and took one. Now, that would leave four suits for the guys to take."

"That's weally fucking stupid. I'd never be in a situwation where dat could happen to me. You suck."

And now, you know the story of how Snake got the crap kicked out of him by a first grade teacher.

* * *

**BACK… TO THE FUTURE!**

"Yeah, well, when I got back to the lab those four suits were missing…"

"Er, aw fuck."

"Yeah, and another thing. That elevator wasn't really broken. It was more like someone was holding it, ominously…"

"This isn't going to end well."

"Oh, and the weight limit for that elevator is 650 pounds, but I'm a skinny geek and I set it off."

"And so…"

Suddenly, Otacon's picture on the CODEC viewscreen became an uncomfortably tight close up. "SNAKE! THOSE FOUR GUYS WHO STOLE MY STEALTH SUITS ARE IN THERE WITH YOU!"

* * *

And now, despite the magic, time-freezing abilities of the CODEC, one of the guards yelled out "Too late Snake, now die!". Forget the fact that nobody else in the game, aside from Snake, could hear the conversation. Nor the fact that time usually stopped when Snake used the damn thing. Snake was suddenly attacked from all sides by for invisible genome soldiers.

I would like to point out that FGs 61, 62, 63, and 64 were smart enough to wear stealth suits and sneak up on Snake, but still not bright enough to decide against standing in the corners of the elevator and shooting towards the center, where Snake was standing. And so, Snake heroically crouched.

"OW!"

"You retards! Shoot at him! At him!"

"Oh God man, I'm bleeding man!"

"Everything's… going… dark…"

And so, the moral of the story is this: If you're smart enough to turn invisible, be smart enough to avoid shooting your invisible friends.

And so, after letting the guards waste each other, the elevator reached the bottom floor of the communications tower. Quickly exiting the tower, Snake surveyed the area… _Hmm… a parachute strung up around some trees near the HIND wreckage… wonder what that signifies…

* * *

_

"Colonel… I found a parachute over by the wreckage of the hind…"

"Shnake… it'sh probably a messhage…" slurred our friend, the tanked Colonel Campbell.

"Like 'I'll string you up?"

"Eggshactly. Be carefulsh Shnake."

"Understood…".

* * *

Meanwhile, hidden by the wall between Snake and the trees the parachute was stuck on, Liquid was cursing inwardly. He escaped the burning chopper, but now he was stuck in a tree, as the buckle to his parachute refused to come undone. So there you have it, the main villain in the game had now become as equally dangerous and threatening as a marionette… _Accursed tree. Congratulations motherfucker, you've been put on the list. In fact I think you should be at the number two spot on my list. Yeah, that's right. Once I settle with Snake and claim what has been denied to me all my life, you are next. You will pay dearly for the embarrassment you've put me through. I will make sure that there will be nothing left of you for any hippies to lament, not a trace of… aw fuck, there's a squirrel._ "Uh, hi little fella…" Liquid whispered. "Do you think you could help me out and chew through these parachute straps for me? That'd be nice.". Unfortunately for Liquid, Shadow Moses was a nuclear disposal site. And if 1950s B-movies have taught us anything, it's that anything with the word "Nuclear" in it not only causes the fauna to be larger than normal, but also incredibly hostile to mankind.

* * *

Back with our hero, Snake ignored the screams of "Aaaaaaaaaah! My face!" coming from behind the wall, attributing them to oncoming PTSD or hyporthermia-induced dementia. So he continued his scouting of the area. _Hmm…there's PSG-1 ammo and Diazepam nearby, wolves howling in the distance, and the fact that I'm standing out in the open in the middle of a giant fucking snowfield where I'd be a sniper's ideal target…wonder what's gonna happen next…_our hero thought as he walked forward…

**BLAM!**

A 5.56 NATO bullet from a certain sniper's PSG-1 came and knocked our hero on his ass. _Memo to self: Campers suck.

* * *

_

"Snake! Are you okay?" Otacon yelled over the CODEC.

"Otacon… you saw me get shot?"

"Er… yeah?"

"But I thought you were in your lab. Remember, you called me right before the elevator fight?"

"Leapt through another plot hole."

"Ah. Anyways, whoever shot me had to be an excellent sharpshooter."

"It's her!" Otacon gleefully cried.

"Uh, yeah, I assume its Wolf. Now then, it's payback time!" Snake said maniacally.

"Snake, please! Don't kill her!"

"What?" Snake asked. "So, the world's deadliest sniper just put a bullet in my chest, and I'm not supposed to retaliate? Have you been hanging out with Campbell?"

"No, it's just, well, she's a nice person."

"She's a merciless killer, you stupid nerd!"

Suddenly, the extremely hot image of Sniper Wolf appeared on the CODEC screen. _Wait, _our hero thought. _Somehow, Wolf managed to commandeer a radio built into Otacon's head? What the Hell?_

Anyways, Wolf started another confusing tirade. "I can ze you pervectly from here! I told you that you're my special target."

"Snake, Wolf, can't we all just get alo…" Otacon began to say, when Snake interjected.

"Shut it, Geek!"

"Yes, never get between a Volf and its prey! Snake…" Wolf said, turning on the creepy, "I'm near, Snake. Can't you sense me near you?"

"So you're telling me that you're near? Isn't that against the prime directive of snipers?"

"I'm going to send you a love letter. You know vhat zhat is? Eet's a bullet, straight from my gun, to your hear."

"Yeah, that's a pretty crappy threat there. I mean, you had to explain it and everything. Jesus. Anyways, I'm going to get revenge for you letting Ocelot steal my shirt and strap me to a weird metal device. Oh, and the whole 'Shooting Meryl' thing."

* * *

Now, Snake could've PWN'd Wolf in about five seconds by just hiding in that crevice near the wall and shooting his Nikita, but his penchant for stupid mistakes, his desire for dramatic flair, and the continuing screams of Liquid being mauled by an irradiated squirrel convinced him to throw down with Wolf on her own terms.

And by 'throw down with Wolf on her own terms', I mean 'hide behind a tree and take potshots every so often'.

And so, they battled, and as their life bars depleted, wolves howled and nerdy scientists sobbed. Eventually, Snake decided to tap into the same power he had used against Liquid's HIND. He whipped out, lightening fast, aiming carefully, and…

…Wolf blasted the PSG-1 right out of his hands. Smirking, she yet again did that thing where she slooooooooooowly lined up a shot, this time, on Snake's head. Snake responded by doing yet another backflip, this time landing on his rifle. Defying physics, the gun flew up to our hero's hands, as he twirled around and fired at the same time as Wolf did.

And as it did with the HIND, Snake's lunacy outdid Wolf's not acting like a jackass. Despite the fact that he didn't even waste time with things like 'aiming', and Wolf had her gun pointed at his head, Snake had vanquished his opponent.

And so, slowly crossed the snowfield to where he saw Wolf fall, he heard the background music get all sad. _Not another speech about how the goddamn terrorists that revel in bloodshed and want to vaporize China with a nuke are morally superior to me because their childhoods were fucked up…_

"I've vaited for zis moment… Vaiting is my job. I am a Sniper…"

…_Or she'll spout out idiotic goth poetry. Whatever._

"I am lungshot… you cannot save me…"

"No offense Wolf, but why the Hell would I want to save you? Just wonderin'."

"Vould you just shut your mouth and let me zay me death zpeech?"

"Yes mam."

"Vhere vas I? Oh, yes… I vas raized on ze battlefield. Violence vas everyvhere, and it vas a very fucked up childhood indeed…"

"Figures you'd start this…"

"Anyvays, zhere he vas… Saladin…"

"Who? Saladin… oh, you mean Big Boss, right?". Where Solid Snake pulled that conclusion from, I will never know.

"Yes. And I became ze sniper, alvayz vaiting, alvayz vatching… I joined zis group of revolutionaries to take my revenge on ze vorld. In ze name of vengeance, I zold my zoul. I am ze dog."

Suddenly, Snake pulled even more smart gibberish out. "Wolves are noble animals. They're not like dogs. In Yupik, the word for wolf is "Kegluneq", and the Aleuts revere them honorable cousins. They call mercenaries like us "Dogs of War". It's true, we're all for sale at some price or another. But you're different. ...untamed... solitary. You're no dog... You're a wolf." I would just like to say, for all the dumb crap he's done up to this point in the story, he has to fucking be in MENSA to come up with that off the cuff.

"Anyvayz, I didn't kill ze girl because she vas never my target…"

"Awesome. So, what now?"

"I guess I vasn't vaiting to kill zomebody… I guess I vas vaiting for zomebody to kill me. You're my hero…". Needless to say, the sad music really amped up here.

"Right…" Our hero said. _Okay, cue the distraught nerd in three…_

_two…_

_one._

And suddenly, Otacon showed up. Where was he hiding while Snake and Wolf had a poignant, thirty minute discussion while she was bleeding to death from a bullet in her lungs in the subzero Alaskan tundra? Again, I don't know.

"Why! I loved you!" Otacon whined.

"Why? Because she was a goddamn boss fight, you moron." Our hero said.

"Give me my gun…" Wolf said.

Otacon obliged, and Wolf continued. "Everything's here now. Okay hero. Zet me free…"

**BLAM!**

While Otacon cried, Snake was thinking. _Wait… she was bleeding to death. Aw man, I just wasted a shell._

"Snake, you said love could bloom on a battlefield…"

"Do I need to remind you that it's just as long as it's not between us?"

"…I couldn't save her."

"Yeah, I know. Ya couldn't, I dunno, have tried to knock her out so I didn't have to kill her or anything. I mean, she was just concentrating solely on me while you were invisible, so I can see absolutely no solution you could've presented us. Anyways, I guess I'll give her her handkerchief back."

"Why?"

"Because I have no more tears to shed." Our hero replied, cool ice. Now, obviously, he could've given the hanky to poor moping Otacon, because he had more tears to shed over his dead lover than his dead lover did, but hey. As he began walking away, he turned and said "By the way, I'm going to blow up your mech. I know I just ruined you're one chance at happiness and all, but I need your help."

"Sounds good to me, Snake. Wait… SNAKE! What was she fighting for? What are you fighting for? What am I fighting for?"

"She was a suicidal junkie who was looking for her own death, which was preceeded by her giving a prolonged speech about fighting for her death, despite the fact that I put a bullet through her lungs. I'm fighting for the right to go back to my home and run a sled dog race, preferably while drunk. You're fighting for… I dunno. You haven't really been 'fighting', as much as 'being a colossal pain in my ass with your stupid questions'."

"Okay Snake, see you later!"

And so, our hero continued his quest, while wolf dogs howled, nerds wept, and meglomaniacal British clones threw down with irradiated chipmunks.


	20. Red Hot Liquid Metal Gear Solid

Disclaimer: Metal Gear still is the property of Konami.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As we last left Solid Snake, he had just sent another member of FOX-HOUND on a one way trip down the River Styx. And so, after clearing the obligatory snow level, he began walking down a rather long staircase. And upon opening the door at the other end, he could only thing one thing.

_That's a really fucking big pit of liquid steel they have there, right underneath the catwalks that the guards patrol. It's like a fucking early Christmas…_

And so, spotting one guard standing at the edge of the catwalk, Snake proceeded to sneak up on him and throw the sucker into the lava. _Man, this'd be so much cooler if the guards here were like that dude from Terminator 2. Now then, how the Hell am I supposed to get across to the other side? Better call the base expert on my team._

And so, as he turned on the CODEC, Snake was surprised that Otacon, in a grand total of sixty seconds, had gotten over his dead terrorist girlfriend.

"Hiya Snake? How's it going?"

"Good. Listen Otacon, how exactly am I supposed to get past this lava pit?"

"Okay, go to the far wall. Now, see that construction beam jutting out of the wall a grand total of 4 inches?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Well, I've seen rats run across it plenty of times.".

"Otacon, I'm a wee smidge large than a rat."

"Oh, I know, but it'll be easy. All you have to do is shimmy across the unimaginably narrow crossing, duck underneath the construction crane, and continue, all the while staring at the molten pit of certain doom that awaits you if you slip up."

"Uh… okay then. Snake out."

And so, Snake began to cross the narrow thing, trying to ignore the whole "bridges" tangent from two chapters ago, as even though it was being used as a bridge, it was still just a support beam, and therefore, unsuitably for use as a bridge. But still, a thought did possess his mind that the time…

_This is so very fucking stupid…_

Ducking beneath the crane, Snake continued inching across the beam, his gaze fixated on the liquid metal beneath him. Arriving at the other side of the bridge, our hero dropped to his knees and thanked God, Buddha, Confucius, Quetzalcoatl, and Spider-Man for their protection as he crossed the support beam. Unfortuntately, he thanked them a little too loudly.

"Intruder alert!"

_Fuck… _our hero thought as he picked himself up.

And so, FG173, FG1014, and FG1227 sprang into action and engaged our hero in another gunfight. Actually, only FG173 and 1014, sprang into action, as FG1227 decided that engaging the hero in a gunfight on a catwalk above a pool of red hot metal was definitely not a bright idea. And so, he walked away, destined to live on, to pass on his genes, for he was FG1227, the most intelligent Genome Soldier ever. As Darwin wrote, only those most fit to survive do, and therefore the race as a whole benefits. As FG1227 planned his excuse for skipping the gunfight, he was hit by a stray bullet from Snake's SOCOM. And that's why, my friends, Darwin was full of crap. Sure, survival of the fittest, and the ones who aren't dumb enough to turn around during a gunfight.

Knocking out the other two guards with some of his kung fu, Snake proceeded to walk down the stairs. Ignoring the Kevlar vest hidden behind the steam pipes that shot out vaporized water at predictably intervals, Snake proceeded to pass through another set of patented Shadow Moses Island bigass Blast Doors™. And so, a gigantic cargo elevator rose to meet him. Ignoring the fact that the elevator rose up right in time for him to board it, Snake boarded it. Manipulating the control panel, Snake was caught off guard when the tense musical sting that played before bad things happened started playing.

The sound of feet could be heard as FGs 1244 through 1247 ran out of their hiding spaces, leapt, and fired at Snake in midair. Grunting, Snake dived to the side as his opponents' bullets riddled the elevator. The aggressors landed on their feet, scowling at the spy. Seconds later, the shell casings of their spent bullets landed, making the scene seem all the more badass.

Snake had already unholstered his SOCOM, glaring at the genomes. He waited for them to make the first move.

And waited…

And waited…

And waited…

"What the hell are you doing!" Our protagonist spat, glaring at his motionless enemies.

FG1244, the spokeman of the group stepped foreward, scratching the back of his helmeted head. "Uh, we're kinda… out of ammo…"

"What?"

"Well… we wanted to make a big entrance, so we were practicing jumping on the elevator while shooting our guns. And so, well, we so many of our bullets practicing that we used up the last of our supply with that stunt…"

"Wow. You people make me sad…" Snake said. Sighing, Snake placed his SOCOM back in his holster. "Fuck it, you guys can go…".

"Wait, you're letting us live?" FG 1244 asked.

"Seriously, I've wasted enough bullets missing bald anorexics, and hitting dying femme fatales. And Hell, you aren't even worth the effort of snapping your necks." Snake said, shaking his head.

And so, as the perilous elevator ride of doom ended, Snake proceeded to watch as his defeated foes, their shoulders slumped and their heads hung low in shame, marched out of the elevator. Unfortunately for them, as they marched towards the second bigass cargo elevator, in the room adjacent to the one the entered, the failed to recall the fact that claymore mines were placed there. So as soon as Snake proceeded to pat himself on the back for his restraint in such a situation, as well as the fact that there were people far dumber than he was, a thunderous boom reached his ears. And so, he turned the corner to espy the guards in various states of blown-upidness.

Sighing, he approached the next cargo elevator. Pressing its control button, the weary soldier proceeded to wait for the next idiotic thing to occur. It wasn't a long wait.

"Snake, we need to talk…" McDonnell Miller said over the CODEC.

"Master, what happened to your face? It's all bit up."

"Nothing. It's just there's something about Naomi…"

"Hey, hands off her! Remember the agreement we made with Campbell, the one who gets sent against his will can pick the first of the radio support chicks. Then it's the guy sitting comfortably in his home, talking over a radio's turn. Then it's the lardass windbag with a beret's turn."

"Er, what agreement?"

"You know, the one you specifically wanted put in writing? The one you wrote out? The one you took out a second mortgage so you could finance the booze it took to get Campbell to sign it?"

"Oh, right. That agreement. Well, I'm sorry old chap, it must've slipped my mind… Anyways, it's not about that, it's about the fact that she said her grandfather worked for the FBI, in New York, in the 1950s. But the fact is, she got the time he worked in, as well as the city he worked in wrong. So let me ask you this, who would forget the chronological and geographical details of the career path of a grandfather who died before her birth and whom she never knew about wrong? She's obviously a traitor."

"Hell, Master, I've got tons of family I don't know about, like this Liquid guy. Seriously, it's like he was trapped in a timewarp from the eighties or something. He's got a really anachronistic rockstar thing going on. Seriously, I don't know how anybody could take a jackass like that seriously. Hell, he can't even get to the point. It's always "Rar! You stole my birthright! I'm your shadow! DIE!". Jesus, what a moron. Right Master? Wait, are you crying, Master?"

"You can be so very mean, br-I mean, no. It's obvious Naomi's an evil traitor, and I bet she's connected with the ninja and the deaths of the Chief and Baker."

"Uh, right."

"I mean, c'mon man, isn't she always slipping up, but saving herself from saying anything really incriminating at the very last second?"

"Right, but so do you."

"What, I'm Master Miller, you're trusty companion! I mean, remember the times we shared! Like, you know, that time… with the thing! Yeah, and that guy was all like whatever. The time with the thing. I thought that was a memory that would last forever."

"The time with the thing… oh, right. Yeah, those were good times. How long did it take for those scars the piranha gave you that time to heal up, anyways?"

"Er, that's not important. Remember, don't trust Naomi. Hot chicks with funny accents are always evil. Remember Wolf, she was evil."

"But during her last moments, I found her strangely noble and…"

"Evil!"

"Fine, evil too. Snake out.".  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**IN THE METAL GEAR CONTROL ROOM…**

"So, we've exposed the Doctor, right boss?" Ocelot said, juggling his revolver.

"Yes, and the Snake still dances to our flute…"

"Where the fuck did that analogy come from?" Ocelot said. "I thought rats dance to flutes, not snakes. Y'know, the pied piper?"

"No, you idiot. Remember those snake charmer guys in India? The ones that sit on the ground while playing their pipes, and the cobra will raise up?"

"Oh. I was watching the animal channel, and that's actually a misnomer. Cobras, like all snakes, barring people named Snake, of course, are deaf. The guy actually is tapping his foot on the ground, and snakes are sensitive to vibrations along the ground. The cobra rises and spreads it's hood as a warning it's about to strike, but because the charmer actually doesn't usually seem threatening to the snake, it typically stays in place, and when the performer stops tapping his foot, will return to being coiled up.".

"Where the fuck did you learn this?"

"Watching the Discovery Channel.".

"Mmyes. The Discovery Channel. Ocelot, put the Discovery Channel on our 'Our first ten things to blow up with a nuke' list. Oh, and Ocelot?"

"Yes boss?"

"How long would it take to heal up from a severe piranha mauling?"  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Back with Snake on an Elevator (MGS really should've had a plane so I could make an obvious joke about it)…**

So our hero started to ponder what Miller had said. _Naomi… a spy? Damn, she was hot. Aw well, there's still Mei Ling. And proverbs are easier to ignore than genetic dissertations. Aw fuck, birds._

And our hero was right. Despite the fact that he was very near to the Alaskan permafrost, and he was indoors, a flock of ravens flew up the elevator shaft. So, as the elevator stopped it's descent at the very fucking cold part of the base, Snake stepped off. _Hm… Ravens. Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered what an asshole Edgar Allen Poe was, I thought, it'd fucking suck to fight a big Inuit guy with an aircraft chaingun named Raven._

Crossing the floor of the room, Snake walked past another set of blast doors. And was promptly surrounded by birds. "Where's a fucking scarecrow when you need one?"

Suddenly a booming monotone voice was heard from atop one of the cargo containers. "Welcome kasack! This is the end of the road for you! Right my friends?".

Suddenly, as if on cue, the ravens cawed in reply.

And our hero could only think one thing. _Fucking ominous foreshadowing. Oh, and fuck you Poe!  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_

**Author's note**: Well, it's been a while, eh? Cliffhanger. I believe I should apologize to Edgar Allen Poe. I actually like his work, I just wanted to squeeze the opening of the Raven in and couldn't think of a better way than if Snake hated classical American authors. He's gunning for Twain next. Robert Frost, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Nathaniel Hawthorne are also on notice.

Anyways, I'm going to be starting college Monday, so (all together now) I don't think I'll be able to update this soon. Sorry. I know I update at a pace that could be best described as like a glacier on valium, but I will finish this fic. Eventually. Someday. When it's done.

Also, please watch Snakes on a Plane. Seriously, it doesn't matter if it sucks or not, it's a movie with Samuel L. Jackson, motherfucking snakes, and a motherfucking plane. What more can you moviegoers want?


	21. Quoth the Raven, Nevermore

Disclaimer: Metal Gear is still not mine. But it will be. It will be…

* * *

Snake was having a bad day. Sure, the ninja, heart attacks, nerds, wolves, guards, sniper, tanks, helicopter, trapdoors, poisonous gas, more guards, cowboy, torture, and the fact that he was freezing his ass off in an underground warehouse were all contributing to this. But as we have noticed, Snake's attention span is roughly that of an ADHD-afflicted guppy, so he was mainly concentrating on the seven-foot-tall Inuit Shaman carrying 500 pounds of gun, bullets, and backpack. Shirtless. In the fucking permafrost.

Yep, as you may have guess, Raven was a wee bit ridiculously tough.

Anyways, Raven had just started his dissertation on how ravens were totally badass and cool little birds, when Snake cut in. "Wait a fucking minute, you're the fucker from the M1 tank! How the hell aren't you, I dunno, fucking dead?"

"That was no true battle…" The Eskimo said as he jumped from his perch on top of a crate to the floor of the warehouse. "…The ravens and I were just testing to see what kind of man you are. The judgment is decided. The ravens say that you are a true warrior."

Snake scowled. "Dude. They are fucking birds. They don't say anything. Except 'caw'. Taking advice from a flock of overgrown, evil-looking canaries is really stupid."

"Hey! Who's the Shaman around here?" Raven monotoned. "Feel the wrath of my wacky birthmark magic!" he continued as his forehead glowed and a Raven seemed to fly out of it. It landed on Snake.

"What the hell? I can't move" Said our hero, noting that he couldn't move. "Oh, and if your bird craps on my shoulder, I am so aiming for the crotch in this upcoming boss fight, got it?"

"The Raven has put the mark of death on you… You know, the Inuit and Japanese share many ancestors. We might even be cousins…"

"Right… so? I fucking set my dad on fire using a can of hairspray. It's not like some distant ancestry's gonna save you…" As the bird on Snake shoulder left him, Snake began to move again.

* * *

**IN HELL…**

"GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SONUVA BITCH! THE NEXT PERSON WHO SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT MY DEATH IS GOING TO GET AN AMATUER VASECTOMY WITH A SPOON!".

"Wow, calm down zere Saladin." Wolf said, trying to stop Big Boss from shoving a fist through the TV. Big Boss sighed and sat back down on the couch.

"Wait… Wolf's there too? C'mon guys, please let me in?"

"Shut it, Octopus. Don't make me go out there." Big Boss said.

"Suit yourself. Man, I don't even want to sit next to a man killed by his own son… who used a can of hairspray! Hahahaha!" Octopus yelled.

That's promptly when Big Boss bolted off the sofa, tore open the door, grabbed Octopus by the throat, and, as he had promised, began to surgically sterilize Octopus with a spoon.

And Mantis and Wolf could only wince.

"-Kssh-… I think we should keep out mouths shut for the rest of the evening, don't you think so, Wolf? –kssssssssh-…"

"Yes Mantis. Zhat sounds like a good idea…"

"Hold still Octopus! Damnit, come back here! I swear, if you run, I am going to be really angry!"

"Hahaha! You'll never catch me! And guess what? I'm in your apartment now!"

"Maybe ve should leave…"

"-Ksssssh- Right… and miss Octopus getting his ass handed to him by the greatest soldier ever?-hsssssssssssh-."

* * *

**BACK AT SHADOW MOSES…**

"Anyways, Snake, have you heard of the World Eskimo-Indian Olympics?" Raven asked, obviously concerned over whether or not Snake gave a damn about a sporting event.

"Yeah, I know it. You must be a real threat in the Muk-Tuk eating contest."

"Damnit, I'm not fat!"

"C'mon Ravy, we both know that you are. Remember, admission is the first step towards healing…"

"Fine, I won it three straight years in a row. But, nevertheless, I was referring to the Ear Pull, something else I'm very good at…"

* * *

**WORLD ESKIMO-INDIAN OLYMPICS, 2004**

"Okay folks, this is it, the final round of the Ear Pull. Whoever wins is the greatest man in the world at pulling another guy's ears while standing in the middle of a frozen wasteland. And ESPN-17 is bringing you all the action, all the excitement. And here's our challenger, Nightwolf. Yep, he's standing right up to the champion, Vulcan Raven. And there's the bell, the match has gotten under…HOLY FUCK! RAVEN JUST TORE THE GUY'S EARS OFF! JESUS CHRIST! Er… okay. Well then, I guess we have a winner. The champion defended his title, and for the fifth straight year in a row, the challenger has just had his ears torn clean off his head. Jesus Christ. I fucking spill coffee on the producer once, and I'm bumped from covering the NFL to this crap. Seriously. Wait… Raven's coming here? What, we're still rolling? HOLY FUCK!"

* * *

**BACK AT SHADOW MOSES…**

"So, you want to tear my ears off?"

"No, I'm just going to run around and liquefy you with my chaingun."

"Oh."

"Rejoice Snake! Our will be a glorious battle!"

"This isn't glorious, it's just plain killing. Violence isn't a game! Wait… yeah, we are in a game. Oh well, it still sucks!"

The battle was joined. And by that, I mean Raven stomped around the warehouse indiscriminately laying waste to everything he laid his eyes. Which, I have to say, is my kind of battle plan.

As for Snake, his kind of battle plan was simple; don't get shredded into confetti by the 20mm slugs Raven was spraying around. And so, this continued, as Snake dodged, rations were used, Raven stomped, and a bunch of crates that probably might've had something important in them were being torn apart by cannon fire.

Pretty soon, Snake finally had a use for all those claymore mines he took from the genome soldiers. Placing one on the ground, he began to run through the containers, turning at the corners.

Left,

Right,

Left,

Left,

Right,

Left,

Left,

Left,

Right,

Right,

Left…

…Until he stepped on the mine he had placed.

_DAMN YOU…uh ME!_ Snake thought as, yet again, he was sent flying. Getting to his feet, he noticed that he was in the line of sight of our irate Inuit antagonist. And so, he was promptly knocked down by gunfire, again, using up yet another ration.

Ducking for more cover, Snake revised his earlier plan. Having a claymore mine foolishly placed anywhere was not a winning tactic. Having a dozen strewn about the floor? Brilliant! Er, at least to Snake…

And so, armed with this new plan, Snake placed the mines everywhere, and amazingly, for every two Snake stepped on in his indiscriminant running, Raven stepped on one. Sure, this exchange rate necessitated the use of many rations, but hey, Raven's health bar was going down.

And so, once Raven lost half his health, he stopped stomping around and decided to haul ass. And Snake was running low on claymores. He needed help, and fast. So, the call was placed...

* * *

"Snake" Nastasha said over the CODEC. "That M61 Vulcan Cannon is usually mounted on F-16 jets. It would turn you to borscht!"

"I know that. Give me an idea to take him out. Actually, don't say anything, I'm just going to shoot this guy with a rocket launcher."

* * *

And so, Snake began indiscriminately firing Stingers at Raven. Who managed to shoot some of them down. But still, Snake's running around like a decapitated chicken allowed him to get the drop on Raven once or twice. And so, yet another villain fell to the skill of Solid Snake.

Raven leaned heavily against the wall, breathing hard. "Just like the boss said… I am so fucking dead…". Just then, one of his birds landed on his shoulder. "But… I will not stay in this place… my spirit and my flesh will become one with the Ravens. I will be watching you, understand?"

"Right, something about being one with the crows in their creepy voyeurism or something…"

Raven sighed, handing Snake another security card, level 7, the highest in the base. "Take this card."

"Why are you giving me this?"

Raven could've simply said "Don't look a gift horse in its bleeding, mortally wounded mouth, you jackass.", but he chose to be a little more cryptic. "You and the boss are Snakes not created by nature... you are from a world that I do not wish to know. Do battle with him, and I will watch from above…"

* * *

**BACK IN HELL…**

"Yeah right buddy. –Hssssssssssk- I'm sure you'll be sitting on this couch right next to us. –Kssssssssh-."

* * *

**SHADOW MOSES…**

"And now, I shall give you a hint… The man that you saw die before your eyes…"

"Which one? Seriously, right here alone, I know that at I've killed at least three dozen people, and that is a very low estimate. Not counting the guys who died because of their own stupidity. So seriously, narrow it down a little more…"

"Fine, Ocelot killed the DARPA Chief, so we had Decoy Octopus dress up like him, but while he could fool idiotic black ops soldiers, he couldn't trick the Angel of Death…" As Raven said this, a weird, sepia-toned flashback of said events showed up.

"Why impersonate the chief?"

"You still have a solid two hours of inane banter to go through, Snake. You'll figure it out, when the time comes…"

Sighing, Snake turned and walked away as the ravens began to envelope Raven.

"In the natural world, there is no such thing as boundless slaughter. Everything has a beginning and an end. But you are different." Raven started, as the obligatory reflective music began playing and the Ravens began to eat him alive. And I'd like to mention, he never experienced a single tonal shift throughout all of it. He made getting eaten alive by ravens sound, well, boring. Anyways, Raven continued; "The path you walk on has no end. Each step you take is paved with the corpses of your enemies... They will haunt you forever… You will have no peace… Hear me Snake! My spirit shall be watching you!"

Snake turned to see the ravens depart, leaving nothing of their master except his gun. _Wow. A flock of ravens can consume the skin, muscles, organs, and bones of a seven foot tall, immensely muscular guy within the length of one protracted deathspeech. Memo to self: Don't fuck with birds._

And So, Snake's CODEC beeped.

"Snake, it's me…" Master Miller said.

"Dude, I just so totally killed Vulcan Raven. And then he was all like 'You killed a lot of people, and I'll be watching you'. And then he got eaten by crows! It was fucking awesome man!"

"Er. Wait, Raven's dead? Fuck, he owes me money! Curses! Wait, er, I mean, turn your monitor off. There's something about Naomi…"

"Watsh thish about Naomi?" Campbell slurred in.

"Curses! Er, is she there?"

"No, she got shleepy and took a napsh…"

"Good. Okay, Campbell, Snake, listen up. Doctor Naomi Hunter is not Doctor Naomi Hunter. Seriously, there was a Naomi Hunter who went missing in the Middle East. And obviously, no two people can have the same name…"

"Egads! What vile treachery!"

"Holy shtolen identitiesh, Batman! To the time masheen-ah!"

"Er… right. Anyways, she must be a spy!"

"Oh damn! The FOX-HOUND medical expert, spying on us for FOX-HOUND? I never would've guessed!"

"Rightsh! Sho, whatsh should we do?"

"Easy, arrest her!"

"Mansh. If Naomish one of their shpiesh, we are in big troublesh!"

Snake chimed back in. "Why? She's a doctor. I mean, the only secrets she'd be privy to would be things pertaining to medicine. Like heart attacks. Wait a minute! Does the secret involve something about the mysterious deaths of Baker and Octopus?"

"Absholutelysh notsh! Give me shome timesh! We need to figure out what shesh doing!"

"Whatever. Listen lardass, hurry it up, because I think that you are hiding something from me. And frankly, if I find out that my notion is correct, the next time you kidnap me, strip me naked, and tell me that I have to blow up a mech, I might refuse. Got it?" Snake growled, signing off.

So join us next time, when we delve into mayhem, betrayal, and blasting a small mouse to kingdom come because he stole a keycard.

* * *

Author's note: Wow. Two years ago, I started on my third fic, after deleting my first two for what could be called a failure of artistic accomplishment, or, as I like to call it, sucking like a hurricane. I never expected that I would get as much positive feedback for this as I have, and I have to thank all of you for it. Without it, I probably would've never gotten this far into the fic. I thank all of you for your support, for making a small hobby I do when I'm bored a hell of a lot more enjoyable. Let's all hope I can finish this before year three. Oh, and Happy Halloween. 


	22. Not a PAL of mine

Disclaimer: Solid Snake and all his wacky pals are property of a crazy guy in Japan named Hideo Kojima. And that, my friends, is why Hideo Kojima makes money coming up with crazy shit for Snake to do, and I don't.

* * *

As we last left our hero, he had just beaten the FOXHOUND's resident chaingun toting Native American Shaman. After exiting the really motherfucking cold storage room, he noticed that somehow, the temperature jumped up a wee smidge, considering how the entire place wasn't frozen. 

Anyways, after bypassing a completely unnecessary amount of gun cameras, Snake passed through that room into the obligatory "gigantic ass evil river of sludge/giant fucking robot on a pedestal" room. And so, Snake looked up at the gargantuan mech, calculating the number of rations he'd be likely to use during the fight (The answer he came to was eleventy billion). Upon hearing the beeping of his codec, Snake answered it to see Otacon.

* * *

"Snake, I've got a good hiding place, thanks to this stealth gear." 

"Otacon… I'm right in front of Metal Gear, and I have to say, for as much as I've picked on you, and insulted your nerdiness, you know how to make a badass nuclear weapon."

"Uh, thanks. I guess."

"Anyways, there aren't any guards patrolling here."

"Maybe because all the work's done? I heard they even input the PAL."

"So, at the most crucial stage of their plan, Liquid put all of the guards on a break?"

"Yep."

"He's seriously running the 'Ernst Stavro Blofeld Guide to Supervillainy' step by step. Whatever. So, how do we stop this thing?"

"Again, you have to input the three card keys to disarm the PAL."

"Okay, but I only have one key, and don't know the trick to using it."

"Did I mention that my perfect hiding place also allows me access to the computer system? I'll just hack into Baker's account and find it out."

"Great. Snake out."

* * *

Our hero began climbing the series of ladders leading up to the control room. But as soon as he had climbed the first one, his codec beeped again.

* * *

"Snake. I've already gotten past the third security level." 

"Wow, that was fast. It took me all of ten second to climb that ladder. So, what's the secret?"

"I haven't gotten past all the security features yet."

"Then why did you call?"

"Uh... I'll get right back to you on that" Otacon said as he signed off.

* * *

Our hero continued his ascent, climbing over the armored behemoth and onto the catwalk leading to the Metal Gear control room. And yet again, his codec beeped.

* * *

"Snake, I did it!" 

"You got past the security?"

"Bingo!!"

"Great. So what's the trick to the card key?"

"I haven't found it yet?"

"Damnit Otacon! I was all happy, thinking 'Maybe this time I won't have to got toe-to-giant-metal-toe with a mech', but you haven't found the secret yet. So why did you call me?"

"Oh. I did find out what the big secret is behind Rex's new nuclear weapon. Using the railgun, the warhead is launched like a projectile. Because it doesn't use fuel, it can go through loopholes in all sorts of international treaties, because it's not exactly a missle. Oh, and it's undetectable to satellite surveillance, can penetrate hardened defenses, and is completely impossible to intercept."

"Okay, two things. First, I don't really give a damn. Second, with all those bastardish features, it sounds pretty evil. Seriously, if you find out Rex's fuel is actually the bloody of kittens, I wouldn't be surprised."

"It could mean the end of the world!" Otacon said. Which, considering that nuclear weapons could've ended the world before they were undetectable, immune to international treaties, and impossible to defend against, I'd say that was apparent.

"Colonel, are you listening?"

"Yesh…" Our drunken friend Roy Campbell said.

Snake decided to assist Otacon in making obvious comments. "Y'know, if word of this whole 'unstoppable doomsday device' got out, it could have pretty big political reprucussions."

"You're right Snake. The UN might denounce the US, and it could even bring the president down." Now history shows us that this scenario is just not true. Unjustifiable abuse of military power against the UN's wishes gets you reelected.

"Colonel, did you know all this?"

"Yesh. –hic- I'm shorry…"

"You've changed Colonel. I mean, back in Zanzibar, you just gave me obvious advice over the radio. You didn't give me obvious advice AND hide classified information that really has no bearing on my role in the mission from me."

"Snake. Uh, I also forgot to mention, this whole system was never tested in real life, and all the VR test data's missing."

"Oh, Baker gave me an optical disk of all that crap, saying it was the real purpose of my mission. And Ocelot took it from me."

"Curshes!" Campbell yelled in the background.

"Snake, they've already placed the nuke in the gun. It's only a matter of time."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me. Stop wasting our collective time with all the evil conspiracy stuff and find out how to stop the launch, Otacon. Right now, 'not having to fight a mech' trumps 'hearing how much my bosses suck'." Our hero said as he signed off.

* * *

And so, Snake continued on to the control room, where that wacky duo, Liquid Snake and Revolver Ocelot were going over their plan in intricate detail. As Snake hid next to the doorway, he overheard their conversation. 

"We can launch anytime."

"Good. Washington is still telling me to go fuck myself. Looks like we'll have to launch. Set the target for Lopnor, China."

"Why, boss? There's nothing there."

"First, I know your pal Sergei isn't a big fan of the whole 'nuke Russia' plan. Also… Lopnor's a nuclear test site."

"So when it blows up, China can cover it up."

"Exactly. And Washington will be forced to go into talks with China to avoid retaliation." Our trench coat wearing archvillain said. How China would know who to retaliate against after an undetectable nuclear strike is beyond me, but hey.

"Then the existence of Metal Gear will be revealed."

"Exactly. Then everyone will want to contact us. Washington won't be very happy about us selling their doomsday device to the highest bidders. Yes, the president will break. He will give in to our demands." Liquid said, slipping in to his usual arms crossed evil Liquid stance of doom.

"Big Boss's DNA and one billion dollars…" Ocelot said.

"A billion dollars?" Snake said, pretty loud for a guy trying to be stealthy. But hell, Ocelot and Liquid already knew he was there, thanks to a surveillance camera Snake should've easily spotted, and they just wanted a chance to make evil speeches for a second.

"I'm also adding the vaccine for FoxDie in the demands list. And a pony."

"FoxDie… It killed Octopus and Baker. So it's true it affects older people first." Now, we all know that Ocelot really playing FOX-HOUND and wasn't going to be infected, but you'd still think he'd at least feign some fear at this revelation. Damn guy looks like a gunslinger version of Stan Lee. But he continued. "Mantis must've been fine because he wore a mask."

"Wolf didn't catch it either. Perhaps due to the fact that she was a junkie."

"Something to do with the adrenaline levels in the blood? Or maybe it's because FoxDie is still experimental and has bugs. Or some vengeance-crazed Rhodesian orphan turned British doctor messed with its programming."

"In any case, what's Colonel Gurlukovich saying?"

"If the launch is successful, he said we can talk. He wants Metal Gear so bad he can taste it. If Russia wants to be a superpower again, they need something to give them first strike capability over the rest of the world."

Of course, Liquid was the son of Big Boss, whose main philosophy, beyond 'ruining the lives of my children', was 'creating a state where soldiers are respected'. So he was a bit indignant. "Russia's army is in shambles and he thinks they can restore their prominence with nuclear weapons. Gurlukovich. He's no warrior… he's a politician.".

"But he gave us the Hind, and most of our other heavy firepower."

Calming down, Liquid said "Y'know, he has over a thousand men under his command. If he joined, we could put up quite the resistance here. Since Mantis died, the soldier's brainwashing has worn off. I'm worried about the men's morale. An alliance with the Russians would boost that as well."

"What are you saying?"

"We're going to dig in here."

"We could still escape."

"We have the most powerful weapon ever made, and we're about to ally with Gurlukovich's forces". Yeah, all one thousand of them. Seriously. And they possessed equivalent powers of sight, hearing, and intelligence as the NSGF. So very threatening.

"Are you going to fight the whole world?" Ocelot asked, realizing the odds were roughly six billion against two groups of inept guards, and a dwindling supply of supervillains.

"Why not? We can launch a nuclear warhead at any target, invisible to radar, fueled by the blood of kittens. We're sitting in a base filled with spare nuclear warheads. Once we get the DNA and the money, the world is ours!" Yep, Liquid was running the Blofeld guide to supervillainy. "From now on, call this place…" sweeping camera pan as Liquid strikes an evil pose "… Outer Heaven."

Snake gasped. "Big Boss's dream…"

Again ignoring the gravelly voice emanating from the doorway, Liquid and Ocelot began talking again.

"What should I do about the woman? Want me to kill her?"

"Let her live. She's Campbell's niece, and Snake cares for her. We'll keep her as our ace-in-the-hole."

"Meryl… she's alive."

Almost on cue, Otacon called again.

* * *

"Snake, I've found Baker's secret files!" 

"Finally. So what's the secret."

"Okay, if the codes are entered, the card keys disarm the device. If the code isn't entered, the card keys arm the nuke. So get started with the keys."

"Otacon. I only have one."

"Don't worry, that's the trick. That card key can be used at all the terminals."

"Really, three keys in one? That's great. I mean, fuck, I would've thought I had to go on a tedious, mind-numbing fetch quest to get all three keys."

"Well, there's a caveat. The card key is made of Shape Memory Alloy."

"What?"

"You do have to go on a fetch quest, because that card key changes shape at different temperatures. Good thing there's a hot room and a cold room on the base, right?"

"So, I have to run back and forth across the base, inputting the keys and hoping nobody notices that someone's been activating the safety lock?"

"Yep. Oh, and by the way, in case the system ends up arming the warhead, you can't go back and disarm it, because the card only works three times."

"Yeah, but c'mon. You heard Ocelot, they already entered the PAL. So naturally, I couldn't possibly inadvertently start the countdown to doomsday."

"Shnake! The world'sh counting on yoush!" Campbell chimed in.

* * *

Unfortunately for our hero, Ocelot and Liquid had grown tired of pretending they didn't see him, and Ocelot put a .45 slug in his arm. 

"Damnit!" Snake said as he dropped the key. And instead of just falling to the floor, it went over the security railing ten feet away and plummeted all the way back to the bottom of the chamber, into the radioactive waste drainage ditch.

"Snake!" Liquid said. From the comfort of the now-sealed control room. "This is bullet-proof glass. There's no way in. Die!". I'd like to point out that despite it being bullet proof glass, Snake had two rocket launchers and a fuckload of C-4. One would think he'd just blow Ocleot and Liquid to kingdom come, but hey.

Anyways, faceless guards aplenty came out of hiding to battle Snake. And so, Snake vanquished them by climbing onto Metal Gear's roof and staying out of their line of sight. Yep, screw all those guns and bombs he had, he beat the guards with a ladder.

Proceeding down to the ground floor Snake started wading through waste-deep sludge, looking for the key. After finding a ration, a time bomb, and Jimmy Hoffa, he began to despair of ever finding it, when Master Miller called.

* * *

"Snake, have you found the key yet? I mean, it's really, really important." 

"Master, it's not down here."

"Wait. Snake, are there rats down there?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I bet a rat ate the key!"

"What?"

"Listen, remember that scene from Jaws, where they cut open the shark and pull out license plates and stuff? Rats are like that too."

"Rats eat license plates?"

"Listen, you ponce, just blow up the rat and get the key. Bloody fucking hell! I can't see why Big Boss ever liked a wanker like you."

"Master, what's with the stereotypically British expressions?"

"Oh. Uh, nothing. Just blast that rat to kingdom come." Master said, signing off. Snake thought he could hear a faint Russian voice in the background, saying "Boss, you're a fucking moron.", but decided that he was hearing things.

* * *

Snake began looking for the vermin, finding it right near the drainage ditch. Random Cute Mouse 1 looked up curiously, at the weary soldier that really wished he could've been back at the home, drinking copiously, instead of chasing down rats. Not that he liked rats, but he didn't want to be walking around with a rat-gut soaked keycard in his pocket. 

"Okay, ratty, don't make this harder than it has to be." Snake said, raising his SOCOM. The rat proceeded to make like Speedy Gonzalez, and shot into it's burrow faster than Snake's lead could follow it.

Snake proceeded to wander in search of the rat, finding another hole in the wall at the other end of the floor. "Squeak?" The mouse said. ("Snake! You cannot win this battle!"). Snake again went for a headshot, and again, the rat darted into the hole.

"Squeak!" ("Hahahaha! You cannot match my speed!")

This cycle continued on for a while, before Snake decided that it was time to change tactics. Liberally laying C-4 down at the entrances of its burrow, Snake proceeded to detonate them. Seconds later, the burnt up body of the mouse landed conveniently at his feet.

"Sque…ak" ("Snake… tell my family that I love them. If I had a better childhood, maybe you and I… wouldn't have fought as we have… urgh…). Of course, the drama of the mouse's death speech was lost on Snake, because he had no fucking clue what 'squeak' meant.

Anyways, despite being in the stomach of a rat that stood next to eight blocks of exploding semtex, the card didn't have a scratch on it. And so Snake ventured through the base, managing to input the first PAL code.

Venturing back into the cold storage room where he fought Raven, Snake hung around for a little while, waiting until the card changed into the cold-temperature key. Strolling back to the control room, he input the second PAL code.

Finally, as he boarded the cargo elevator to return to the blast furnace, Snake received yet another CODEC call from Master Miller.

* * *

"Snake, it's about Naomi Hunter…" 

"What?"

"Well, I have a friend in the Pentagon, who despite me not being privy to classified secrets, told me that the DIA was developing a new bioweapon. FoxDie."

"FoxDie? Liquid and Ocelot were talking about it."

"Anyways, FoxDie only kills select people. Remember Octopus and Baker? They died of heart attacks right? Guess what FoxDie causes. Heart attacks. Snake… did Naomi give you any injections?"

"Yeah, the nanomachines. Are you saying she was the one behind this?"

"Maybe. But what could her motive be?"

"Yesh! We've jusht arreshted her." Campbell interjected. "She wash shending coded messhages to the baysh!"

"Just wonderful. I'm infected with a mystery death virus by our crazy geneticist friend, and I find out that I might have a heart attack any second right before I deactivate a nuclear bomb. Great job Master, really motivating."

* * *

And so, once he reached the blast furnace, Snake entertained himself while waiting for the card to change by tossing guards into the lava pit. Once he reached the second elevator, however, he got yet another codec call.

* * *

"Snake, can you hear me? It's Naomi." 

"Naomi? Is all this true?"

"Some of it. But it's true that I have no idea who my real family is. I was born in Rhodesia sometime in the 1980s. I was probably the daughter of Indian laborers."

"Naomi, you're to worried about the past. Isn't it enough to understand who you are now?"

At this, Naomi slipped into myspace emo mode, proclaiming "Why should I? No one else tries to understand me! I was alone for so long. Until I met my big brother… and him."

"Your big brother?"

And cue completely bizarre soap opera twist in five,

Four,

Three,

Two,

One,

"Yes, my brother… Frank Jaeger."

"What? My old war buddy who I blew up with a landmine?"

"He was a young soldier when he picked me up near the Zambezi River. Yes, the man that you destroyed, was my brother and my only family."

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around how a random orphan was found by Gray Fox and went on to become the world's greatest insane British Geneticist. Did he bring you to America?"

"No. We were in Mozambique when he came… Big Boss."

"Is there anyone you cared about that I haven't killed? Just wondering."

"He brought us to this land of freedom, but he and my brother went back to Africa to continue their war. And that's when it happened. You killed my benefactor and sent my brother home a cripple. They were just trying to cause World War III, and you killed them. That's when I vowed revenge and joined Fox-Hound. Ironically, my first day on the job was the same day you retired. I've waited years for this day. You obsessed me for years". Normally, if a hot chick with a sexy accent says that you obsessed her, I'd say that's a blessing, but this might just be the exception to the rule.

"Do you still hate me?" Snake asked. _Hm, let's see. I killed the only people that mattered to her, and she spent years plotting to inject me with the ultimate in biological weapons. Guess that's a pretty stupid question…_

Surprisingly, Naomi said "…Not exactly… I was partly wrong about you…"

"What about Liquid and the others?"

"I'll have my revenge on them, too."

"Naomi… did you kill Doctor Clark? They guy who turned your brother into a science project?"

"No… Frankie did it. I just hid him in my basement for two years."

"So… he's here to kill me?"

"No. Just to fight you. I wasn't sure before, but now I now, he wants one last showdown with you. It's all he lives for, y'know."

"What about…"

"…FoxDie? You see, it's a retrovirus that only targets specific people. After infecting the macrophages, it begins producing TNF epsilon, a cytokine peptide which causes cells to die. The TNF epsilon is carried through the bloodstream, where they attach to the TNF receptors in the heart, causing shock and severe apoptosis."

"You mean the heart cells commit suicide?"

"Well… yeah. Wait, shouldn't you be asleep?" Naomi said, surprised at the fact that Snake was actually paying attention to one of her science lessons.

"It might be a boring scientific speech, but seriously, this is your big speechifying moment, so I guess like with Mantis and Wolf, I should listen despite not really giving a damn. Anyways, do I still have time? I don't blame you for wanting me dead, but I've got to stop this launch."

"Listen, I wasn't the one who decided to use FoxDie."

"What?!"

"You were injected with FoxDie as part of this mission. I just wanted to let you know that… no, that's not everything. The really, really important thing I wanted to tell you was… Snake… I…"

Another voice broke in "Hey, what're you doing?"

"Eeeeeeek!"

"Shnake! I can't allowsh Naomi to shpeak againsh! She's been removed from thish operashun!". Campbell chimed in.

"Colonel, what did she mean when she said FoxDie was part of this operation? Let me talk to her!"

"I won't. Naomi'sh under arresht."

"You double crossed me!"

"Shnake, there'sh no time for thish. You've got to shtop Metal Gearsh!"

* * *

Muttering about all this while climbing the ladders to the control room, Snake was fuming over the whole topic of heart attack viruses while standing next to the third terminal. _Goddamn drunk ass windbag. He's tricked me, that bastard. I wasn't going to say this, but next time we meet, I'm gonna tell him that his beret looks stupid. Sonuva bitch. Goddamn viruses. Fuck, at least I can enter this final PAL key and not worry about blowing up this goddamn robot._

And so, he entered the final PAL code.

"PAL code number three confirmed. PAL code entry complete…"

_Finally, mission complete, time to head home._

"Detonation code activated."

"What? I deactivated it!"

"Ready to commence nuclear holocaust. Have a nice day."

And so, as his Codec rang as he looked at the mighty behemoth in front of him, one thought was running through Snake's mind…

_This is so gonna fucking hurt…_

TO BE CONCLUDED...

_

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Home stretch, baby! I figure that, barring any intermissions or epilogues I might feel compelled to toss in, there's at most, one or two more chapters to write. Thank you for all your support, and let's all hope I might be able to update sooner than I typically have been (though the safe bet is that I won't). Again, thank you for all your support, and I'm sorry I'm taking so damn long. 


	23. Deathmobileasaurus Rex

Disclaimer: Do you really need one of these at this point?

* * *

"Thank you, Snake. Now the detonation code is completed. Nothing can stop Metal Gear now." 'Master Miller' said, grinning evilly. Of course, he forgot to add in _"unless you go for a hat trick of giant mechs getting blown to kingdom come" _to his speech. 

"Master, what's going on?!" Snake growled. Hmm, let's see. You just activated the nuclear equipped walking deathmobile, and Master called up to gloat. Could it possibly be that this was all part of an elaborate plan?

"You found the key, and even activated the warhead for us. Hell, you went through a time consuming fetch quest that involved exploding rats and liquid metal. That's fantastic. You see, we weren't able to get the DARPA Chief's code. Mantis couldn't read him, and Ocelot accidentally killed him during the interrogation. And that sucked, since without the ability to launch, the President could y'know, blow us the fuck up without fear."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… first I figured that we could get the information from you, Snake, because obviously a grunt whose been played like a kazoo since the whole thing began would have it. Unfortunately, Octopus, disguised as the Chief, died while chatting you up… thanks to FoxDie.

"You had this planned from the beginning? Just to get me to input the detonation code?!"

"C'mon. If I didn't want you running willy-nilly around my nice, comfy base, I would've simply had Raven, Mantis, and Wolf standing at the docks to send you to Hell then and there."

* * *

**MEANWHILE, IN HELL…**

Our recently departed friends just realized that they should've suggested that very idea to Liquid.

"-Kssssssh- So… who are you rooting for?"

"Jackass that got us killed, or the jackass that killed us. Tough Call."

"I agree vith Raven. I'm not going to bet on vich of Zaladin's zons vill kill the other…"

"I'll go with Snake. Y'know, because he killed a guy with a can of—hrkk!"

"Octopus, you finish that fucking sentence, and I will start doing open heart surgery with my bare hands…" Ol' eyepatchy said.

* * *

**BACK AT SHADOW MOSES…**

"Anyways, once the world glimpses the power of this weapon, the White House will have no choice but to surrender the FoxDie vaccine to me. Their ace-in-the-hole is useless now…" 'Master' said, his voice taking on a familiar British accent…

"Ace-in-the-hole?"

"The Pentagon's plan was already successful… in the torture room. Snake, you're the only one who doesn't know. Poor fool.". If you have been reading previous chapters, and if you're this far you probably did, you do know that Snake is a fool, regardless of his knowledge of the evil secret conspiracy thing.

"SHNAKE!" Campbell chimed in. "That'sh not Mashter Miller!"

"Campbell! You're too late!" 'Master' said. Yep, considering the nuclear weapon was activated, and the villain had started another tirade, Campbell could've revealed that tidbit a little earlier.

"Mashter'sh body wash dishcovered at hish home. He'sh been dead for at leasht three daysh! I didn't know thish, but Mei Ling shaysh hish transhmishion is coming from the baysh!"

"Wait… put Mei Ling on the line." Snake demanded.

"Snake… what about the big surprise twist?" 'Master' asked, dejected that Snake would rather talk to a cute secretary than an evil dude in shades.

"It can wait. Now Mei Ling, are you there?"

"Uh, yes Snake."

"How the fuck long did you know that this fucker's message was coming from this base?"

"Uh… six hours ago."

"Why the fuck didn't you notify anyone?"

"Uh… I… uh… remember, in the words of Patrick Henry, 'Give me liberty, or give me death.'."

"What the Hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, considering you'll be fighting a giant robot, so you'll either preserve truth, justice, and the American way, or you'll die. And also, I figured it would distract you."

"Wait… what were we talking about again?"

And our tech support/inane trivia girl could only think _Mission accomplished_. "You were telling me how I was the prettiest CODEC support girl in the world. Now get out there and yell at that supervillain!" Mei Ling said, signing off.

"Man… that Mei Ling is hot." 'Master' chimed in.

"Yeah, I know. So… what's that big secret?" Snake said.

"Shnake, you've been talking to…"

"…Me… dear brother." Liquid said, removing his sunglasses and untying his hair. Considering how often Snake called him, Liquid would have to be messing with his hair almost constantly. Like a twelve year old schoolgirl.

"Wow… my archenemy and doppelganger, managed to pretend that he was my warbuddy and the guy who trained me to be a black ops badass." Snake said, realizing now that maybe his nagging suspicion that Master had been more British, evil, and secretive than ever before might've been a clue.

"You've served your purpose…" Liquid said. "…Now die!"

* * *

Immediately the door to the control room shut tight and poisonous gas filtered in. So… why exactly did the people who designed Shadow Moses make the all-important control room serve double duty as a gas chamber?

* * *

Anyways, Snake immediately called Otacon. 

"Okay, nerd. I need you to hack into this door and open it for me, okay?"

"Alright Snake, I'll get right on it."

* * *

And so, fifteen seconds later, Snake was free. Rushing out of the control room, Snake spotted Liquid. Drawing his SOCOM, it was his turn to shout out his brother's name. "LIQUID!!!" 

"Snake… did you like my sunglasses?" Liquid asked. Apparently, for the final showdown, Liquid had decided to abandon his completely badass trench coat, and just stand around half naked, stealing a page from Raven's playbook. Eh, at least he had a cool Snake tattoo on his arm.

"Yeah, stylish yet conservative. They would've gone nicely with your trench coat. Speaking of that, where did it go?"

"Could we possibly get back on topic?" Liquid asked.

"Oh, yeah. Why did you impersonate Master?!"

"So I could manipulate you more easily, pawn boy."

"What?"

"Stopping the launch, rescuing the hostages, it was all a diversion."

"A diversion?" Snake said, hoping that if he repeated all of Liquid's dialogue, he'd get distracted and not start up Metal Gear.

"The Pentagon only needed you to come into contact with us. That's what killed Octopus and the ArmsTech President."

"You don't mean…"

"Yep, you're like that monkey from Outbreak. But instead of some weird organ liquefying virus, you've given everybody FoxDie. Dance monkey! Dance! Erm… excuse me. Anyways, as it turns out, Doctor Naomi Hunter, or whoever that crazy lady is, made alterations to FoxDie's programming"

"Maybe that's why they arrested her?" Snake said.

"Probobly. Fool, motivated by petty revenge. Anyways, it doesn't matter. I've already added the FoxDie vaccine (and a pony) to our list of demands."

"There's a cure?"

"Well, there must be. But only that woman truly knows. Anyways, it may prove unnecessary. I mean, Baker and Octopus died from it, and you killed Wolf, Raven, and Mantis before symptoms could develop, but Ocelot, myself, and you, the carrier, are all alive and well long past the time we should've had heart attacks."

"A bug in the virus's programming?"

"Maybe. In any case, if it doesn't kill you, then I'm not worried either. After all, our genetic code is identical."

"So you and I are…"

"Yes… twins. But not just any ordinary twins. We're linked by cursed genes. Les Efants Terrible. You're fine. You got all the old mans dominant genes. I got all the flawed, recessive genes. Everything was done so that you would be the greatest of his children. The only reason I exist was so that they could create you.". Now, I'm no geneticist, and it's been a good four years since the last biology class I took, but I kinda think that it'd be hard to have identical genetic codes if one received all the recessive genes, and another received all the dominant ones. And hey, recessive genes aren't necessarily the worst ones. But I'll leave the insane pseudoscience to Hideo.

"Hah! I knew it. Papa liked me better than you! I bet he's even gotten over the whole 'immolating him with a MacGuyvered flamethrower' thing." If you've seen some of our scenes from Hell, you just know that's just not the case.

"That's right! I'm just the leftovers of what they used to make you!" Liquid shouted, his emo-ness rising. "Can you understand what it's like to be garbage from the day you were born?!" said Liquid, clenching his fist angrily.

Seeing Liquid flip out like this sparked a dormant fraternal instinct in Snake. "C'mon Liquid, anybody with a genius intellect, nigh invulnerability, a badass trench coat, and a legion of inept guards can't be a total failure. Listen, I know you love Papa and want to carry out his legacy…"

"Love?! It was hate! He always told me that I was the inferior one, and now I'll have my revenge!! You should understand me brother. You killed our father with your own hands!". Again, he began making his overly dramatic sweeping hand motions.

"Actually it was a can of hairspray."

"You stole my chance for revenge! Now, I will finish the work that father began. I will surpass him! I will destroy him!". Needless to say, Liquid Snake's amazing evil handgestures went into overdrive.

"You're just like Naomi…" Snake said. Let's see, British accent? Check. Long, girly hair? Check. Completely fucking loony? Megacheck. Yep, Snake's right on this one.

"Well I'm certainly not like you! Unlike you, I am proud of the destiny that is encoded unto my very genes! Yeah!" Liquid said as he leapt.

_Why didn't I just shoot the motherfucker while he was giving another long, drawn out speech?_ Snake thought.

Anyways, Liquid had hopped over the railing and into Rex's driver seat… or so he thought.

**WHAM!**

"I forgot to open the cockpit? SONUVABIIIIIITCH!" Liquid said as he fell, probably adding in "SNAAAAAAKE!" as he reached the bottom.

**THUD!**

Obviously, a scene like that was enough to brighten anyone's day, including Snake's. Forgetting about the whole evil viral conspiracy, he burst into laughter, sarcastically calling down to the ground to see if Liquid was okay, and questioning his brother's intelligence.

Unfortunately for our hero, Liquid managed to drag his ass up the ladders, open the cockpit, and crawl in.

And so, as our hero finished laughing, he caught a glimpse of Rex's cockpit sealing up. "Damn!!"

"Snake! Your blood will be the first to be spilt by this glorious new weapon… consider it an honor, a gift from your brother!" Liquid said, as the whole complex began breaking apart as the giant elevator Rex was standing on began moving upwards. "Now, I'll show you the power of the weapon that will lead us into the twenty-first century!"

Snake leapt onto the elevator, being carried up to the giant ass supply route/giant robot boss fight arena. Glaring upwards, he could only think of one thing, _How do I stop it?_ Which was a question Snake should've worked out in his mind before leaping heroically to face it.

"**MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!"**

With that menacing sound, Rex began to move. Snake stood, glaring at the mech. He mulled over his options, and once again, decided, against all logic, to place his faith in his CODEC support team.

* * *

Campbell decided to ratchet up his 'complete asshole' status with this comment "Shnake, I feelsh the need to tellsh you that I'm authoryshed ta launch a nukular misshile at Shadow Moshesh if you don't win. Jusht sho ya' know."

* * *

Mei Ling shrugged. "Remember, in the words of the Blue Oyster Cult 'Oh No, they say he's got to go. Go, go Godzilla!'." 

"Wouldn't 'Don't Fear the Reaper' be more appropriate? I mean, it has cowbells and all."

"Yeah, but you see, in the 1950s, Godzilla films were warnings about the danger of nuclear war and everything, and with the rampant 'nuclear weapons are bad' tirades that Nastasha goes on, it fits. Oh, and the author's a nerd that loves crappy songs about Japanese B-movies." Which is very true.

"That explains it."

* * *

"Master, I need your help. What do you think I can do against Metal Gear?" 

"What the Hell? Remember fifteen minutes ago? Shut up, stop freezing time with your CODEC, and let's fucking have at it, you complete moron!"

"Wait, if I'm a moron, and superior to you, what does that make you?"

"Uh…"

"Hah! Liquid's dumber than a moron!" Snake chanted.

"I hate you so very, very much…"

* * *

"Nuclear weapons are very bad. I hate them!" Exclaimed Nastasha. 

"Any USEFUL advice?"

"Like the tank, you could use Chaff to confuse Metal Gear's sensors. To find a weak point, you'd better call Otacon. Or just shoot at whatever the Stingers lock onto."

"Wow, that was informative."

"Thank you, and remember, nuclear weapons are bad."

* * *

"Snake, Rex is armed with twin vulcan cannons which can punch through flesh like tissue paper, laser guided missiles which can penetrate the heaviest armor, and the hottest laser ever made. Also, with a weight of over 150 tons, getting close enough to be stamped on is a death sentence. Also, its armor is completely and totally indestructible, except to the highest-quality anti-tank rounds. Oh, and I heard Baker talk about consecrating it with the blood of Celtic Druids, endowing it with supernatural powers and the ability to call upon Caoranach, mother of all demons. And…" Otacon said, going overboard in his amazing descriptive powers. 

"Otacon, give me a weak point."

"Oh, yeah. I purposely left all its sensors bundled into a totally vulnerable array on it's left shoulder. Ironically, it's the only part of Rex that can be targeted with stinger missiles. Everything needs a character flaw."

"Wait, you purposely designed a mech with a weakpoint, and despite it being perhaps the only way for ARMStech to stay in business, nobody noticed or bothered to correct a noticeable flaw like an unarmored radome?"

"Uh… yeah."

* * *

**MEANWHILE, A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR AWAY (yeah, I know it's not 'meanwhile' if it's a long time ago, but whatever)…**

"-Koo-pah, Koo-pah- Tarkin, this battlestation of yours is amazing…" The imposing Sith Lord said, the sound of his mechanical respirator chilling the hearts of the assembled imperial officers. Or maybe it was the fact that he couldn't go through a meeting without telekinetically strangling one of them to death over a slight misunderstanding.

"Yes Lord Vader. Once fully operational, nothing will be able to stop us."

"…but I've heard that there is a weakpoint, a lightly armored thermal exhaust shaft. –Koo-pah-"

"Yes, we're aware of that as well. But neither you nor the Emperor need to worry. The path to approach the shaft is covered in hundreds of laser turrets. Also, you'll be on hand, and I'm sure your skills in a TIE fighter would be sufficient to crush any of the rebels."

"-Koo-pah- Could we also y'know, make an emergency cutoff or just put more armor on the exhaust port or something? If the Force is with one of the rebels, they could get past our defenses.-Koo-pah, Koo-pah-"

At this point, Admiral Steve stood up. "Damnit, Lord Vader, haven't you ever heard of a budget? Don't you know how much money it takes to build a planet-obliterating laser? Seriously, we tried holding a bake sale to raise the funds for more armor, but hell, our Stormtroopers can barely fight primitive teddy bears. They can't cook worth a damn! And shut up with the Force, haven't you ever heard of Separation of Church and State? Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't given you the clairvoyance to find the hidden rebel base, nor has it…" As he continued his tirade, the other officers siddled off to the side. Unlike Admiral Steve, they had read the chapter of the Imperial Handbook that was entitled 'Lord Vader can and will most likely kill you, because he's a total badass'."

"-Koo-Pah, Koo-Pah- I don't like your tone, Admiral." Darth Vader said, raising his hand. His sad devotion to that ancient religion might not've given him the location of the rebel base, but it did give him the ability to crush people's throats with his mind. And really, I'd take mental choking over clairvoyance as a superpower any day.

"Wait…-kaff- no… I'm sorry Lord Vader… It's my first day on the job-wheeze-"

Grand Moff Tarkin, slightly annoyed at having to do the paperwork for both a funeral and promoting a new Admiral, sighed and said "Okay then, next order of business… Okay, I've heard reports that many of our officers are inept, as many of them rise through the ranks simply because our more competent officers die off like lemmings. Your thoughts?"

* * *

**SHADOW MOSES…**

With the knowledge of Rex's weakpoint and thirty plus stingers, Snake was pretty confident he could win. Just to hedge his bets, he decided to open the fight up with the most dangerous move in his arsenal...

While Snake hid underneath his trusty cardboard box, inside the armored cockpit of Metal Gear Rex, Liquid surveyed the arena. _Now where the hell did that fucker go? All I see is a cardboard box soaked in wolf urine marked 'To Heliport'. Wait… the Heliport's at the other end of the base. AHA!_ _Snake… you're a dick… in a box. It's my dick in a box, dick in a box yeah… wait… DAMN YOU JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!_

And so, with a stupid song from SNL stuck in his head, Liquid both resolved to smite he who brought sexy back, as well as he who was hiding in a cardboard box. Snake was still patting himself on the back for his brilliant ploy, when the first of three anti-tank missiles landed on his head.

Upon consuming another ration, Snake looked around to see smouldering bits of cardboard raining down from the sky, the remnants of his brave box. "Boxy? NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Snake shouted from his knees. Regaining his composure, he stood up and stared down the mech. "Alright Liquid! You can torture me. You can send your friends to attack me. You can kill one of my only friends and pretend to be him while leading me to activate a nuclear weapon. You can even cause me to break the laws of physics and backflip on a missile. But this time… YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!"

And so, the battle raged. Once again, Snake found himself going toe-to-toe with a nuclear-equipped walking battletank. Like echoes of a long-ago battle, Metal Gear and Snake locked into combat, throwing caution to the wind as drunken colonels, tech-support quote junkies, nuke-o-phobic military analysts, and nerds deriving their nicknames from anime conventions held their breath.

With a vengeful cry, our hero lashed out, launching missile after missile at the metal behemoth. After what seemed like an endless onslaught, Metal Gear's shoulder was engulfed in a giant fireball. Time seemed to stand still as the radome began to smolder and Rex stood still.

"Did that do it?" Snake asked, his hopes rising as Rex remained motionless.

"**MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWRRRRRRRRRR!"**

"Nice try, Snake!" Liquid said, adding his trademark "DIIIIIIIE!!"

Rex sprang forward, raising its colossal foot to crush Snake.

**SQUISH!**

Wait… that's not the right sound effect. What's the one… oh yeah.

**WHOOSH!**

Before Rex could turn Snake into a formless stain on the floor, the armored figure of Grey Fox leapt in front of Snake, blocking the attack. And I must say, if he could hold up the leg of a giant robot like that, either he was holding back when he and Snake were punching each other, or rations are even more awesome than I thought they were. Oh, and he somehow got an arm-mounted lasercannon. If I had more than a cursory knowledge of the Megaman series, I'd say he kicked the little blue moron's ass and cut off his arm, but I don't, so anyways…

"Hurry! Get away!" Fox said, struggling a bit to keep the massive foot up.

"Gray Fox!" Snake said, glad that his old war buddy just Deus Ex Machina'd in for the assist.

"A name from long ago… It sounds better than Deepthroat."

"So wait… you were that guy?"

"So I watch a lot of porn. Do you want my help, or not?"

"Uh, well you do have to admit, you could've chosen a better name."

"Eh, what ya' gonna do? Anyways, you haven't aged well…"

"Me… fuck, you're the one living in a tin can. But man, Campbell is beat. Fuck, the first thing I thought of when I saw him wasn't 'superior officer' it was 'Wrinkly Homer Simpson in a beret'."

"Really? Man, maybe I should've said 'hi' to him, y'know? Cause it's been a long time since…"

Indignant, Liquid yelled at the two. "Can we please move on to the badassedry?"

"Fine. Whiny little bastard." Fox said.

"I'll send you back to hell!" an enraged Liquid said, as Rex's foot rose. Fox leapt out of the way as it stamped downward. What ensued was a machine-versus-machine matchup that made Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots proud. Fox ducked, dodged, and backflipped away from Rex's attacks, first throwing his sword into the radome, then blasting it a couple of times with his laser.

While Liquid fired blindly, obliterating a good amount of storage containers, Snake and Fox decided to have a talk.

"Fox, why? What do you want from me?"

"I am a prisoner of Death." Fox said, slipping into a gothy mood. "Only you, or that deathmobile over there can free me…"

"Fox, stay out of this…" Snake said, which, considering the fact that he'd be a smudge on the floor if it weren't for Fox, was pretty stupid. "What about Naomi? She's Hell-bent on taking revenge for you. Or not. Her last conversation was kind of wacky."

"Naomi…"

"You're the only one who can stop her." Considering that Campbell and the crew of the Discovery had arrested her, and stopped her from telling Snake an awful secret, that was a lie. There is no conclusive evidence suggesting that geneticists with supermodel looks and sexy accents are unstoppable.

"No… I can't…" Fox said.

"Is this going to be yet another shocking twist?" Snake said, bracing himself for a melodramatic turn.

"I am the one who killed her parents…she was young then, and I couldn't find it in myself to kill her too. I felt so bad that I decided to take her with me, enthralling her with tales of my youth, spent killing mercenaries and having inhumane experiments performed on me, turning me into an emotionless ninja with superpowers…damn circle of life, I'm right back where I started. FUCK! Where was I? I raised her like she was my own blood, to soothe my guilty conscience. Even now, she thinks of me as her own brother..."

"Wow, that's a sad tale, now we need to think of a way to stop Metal Gear…" Unfortunately for Snake, Fox's tale continued.

"On the outside, we might've seemed like a happy brother and sister. But every time I looked at her… I saw her parent's eyes staring back at me. Tell her, Snake. Tell her that I was the one who did it!"

As if on cue, Liquid finally spotted them, shouting "There you are!". I must admit, Liquid's kind of a dick, with the whole 'Nuclear Genocide/Impersonating Master Miller/Spying on Wolf thing', but hey, at least he has good dramatic timing.

"The fic's just about over! Here's a final present from Deepthroat…"

"Could you please either refer to yourself as 'Gray Fox', or just go all the way and claim that your name is 'Oral Intercourse'?"

"Fine… here's a final present from Gray Fox. I'll stop it from moving!" Our ninja friend said as he leapt out of hiding. After some more bullet dodging, Liquid finally changed tactics, firing his laser and sweeping it upwards, severing Fox's left arm. As Fox, undaunted, leapt high into the air, Snake was left to ponder why Otacon had designed a robot with a laser-beam wang.

Fox came down on a ledge on the other side of the arena, but as he raised his gun, Rex charged, slamming him into the wall, pinning him there. Liquid couldn't resist yet another chance to taunt a foe.

"In the Middle East, we don't hunt foxes, we hunt jackals. Instead of foxhounds, we use royal harriers." I know Liquid was a POW/terrorist in the Middle East, but wasn't he raised in England, where fox hunting was popular, wouldn't he be able to consider himself a fox-hunter? Not to mention, his group isn't Royal-Harrier, it's Fox-Hound, so he's just calling himself irrelevant. And anyways, since the game takes place in America, and the species of canines known as the gray fox live in America, where fox hunting is allowed in certain states, but generally killing the foxes isn't allowed, would he have to let Fox go? And since most fox hunters in America prefer chasing coyotes… eh, fuck it, I'll just let the questions hang…

"A cornered fox is more dangerous than a jackal…" came the badass reply from Fox, as he blasted the radome to kingdom come with his laser. Now, considering the fact that jackals can grow substantially larger, as well as… fuck. No more Animal Planet for DarkGidora.

"Impressive. You are indeed worthy of the codename 'Fox'. But know, you're finished!" Liquid said as the cockpit opened, while Fox dropped down on the ledge, not moving.

"Fire the stinger!" Fox yelled at Snake.

"Can you really shoot? You'll kill him too!" Granted, I'm no expert, but after having an arm lasered off, and then being tackled by a giant robot, I'd say killing Fox would be an act of mercy.

"Now, In front of you. I can finally die." Fox said, determined to deliver every last badass line he could. "After Zanzibar, I was taken from the battle, neither truly alive, nor truly dead. An undying shadow in a world of lights. But soon… soon… It will finally… end."

I'll stand right up and say, that was a truly awesome death speech and I am glad that I heard it. However, if you haven't played the game, let me just say it's annoying as hell. While he's dramatically explaining his deathwish, you're looking through the sights of your stinger, able to lock on to Rex. Unfortunately, you can't shoot. So the first time through, I was afraid that my square button was broken, because it was shooting. Then I realized Kojima was just trying to play with my mind. Hahaha. Kojima's wacky. Anyways, back to the awesome…

Using the top of Rex's now open cockpit, Liquid scraped the still-living Fox off of the ledged, sending him falling to the floor. Dramatically raising Rex's foot, Liquid shouted "DIE!", as once again, he stamped on down. Yet Fox was still alive, and more determined than ever to say something truly badass.

"Snake, we are not tools of the government, or anyone else! Fighting was the only thing… the only thing I was good at, but… at least I always fought for what I believed in… Snake… farwell."

"Hey Fox, are you done with the speech?" Liquid asked.

"Yeah…"

"So I can…"

"Go ahead."

With a final stomp, Liquid succeeded in destroying the most badass ninja/ cyborg/ military historian/ masochist/ black ops agent/ vampire slayer/ child soldier/ machete-weilding 'perfect soldier'/ lab experiment/ bartender that had ever lived.

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!" Snake screamed, losing a friend even awesomer than the magic invisibility box. _Man, I wish I could've helped him fight Metal Gear, but it's not like I could ever beat one of them… oh wait. I did it twice already. FUCK!  
_

"**MEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!"**

"Would you stop? I'm lamenting the death of a friend here!"

"Foolish man! He prayed for death... and it found him! You see? You can't protect anyone after all!! Not even yourself! DIE!" Liquid said, immediately before a stinger missile blew up in his face. _Fuck. Pontificate before opening the cockpit. Not after._

And so, the battle raged again, as Liquid proceeded to intercept missile after missile with his face. Which, considering the resilience Snake has displayed, isn't all that shocking. For his part, Snake was blasted several times as well. As their lifebars fell, and Snake realized he had run out of rations, the final shot was fired, full of hatred and retribution. Man, I love over-dramatizing this stuff.

After getting hit with yet another stinger, Liquid pulled the burning hulk of metal forward. "Snake," Liquid said, his rage at it's peak. "I'll crush you into dust!" As he was about to do so, Rex paused a second, then began wavering like a drunken man who just got off a roller coaster, as explosion after explosion dotted the armored hide of the dread machine.

Colliding against a wall and just slumping there, Rex let off a final, pathetic **"MEW!"** before it was wracked with a final, gigantic explosion, the force of the blast slamming Snake headfirst into a wall, hard enough to send even his brain damage-accustomed self into unconciousness. Oh, and the last sight he saw before lapsing into oblivion was Liquid, that Box/Fox killing bastard, strolling casually towards him. So join us next time, as Tactical Idiocy reaches its conclusion. Ooh, there's gonna be explosions! And a musical number! And a haiku praising Joseph Kucan! Okay, maybe not all that, probably just the explosions, and maybe the music, but no haikus. But I swear it'll be good.

Aw fuck, here's a haiku, just so you can't sue me for false advertising.

Haikus are useful,  
But can be nonsensical.  
Command and Conquer!

**TO BE CONCLUDED…

* * *

**

Author's Note: Thanks to the Legendary Warrior-Link for that Rex sound idea, I didn't think of that.

Wow. One chapter left. Thanks to everyone who bore with my glacial pace for the past two-and-a-half years, and let's just hope I can avoid jumping the shark.


	24. Game over, man!  Game over!

**Disclaimer**: Hideo Kojima still maintains control of Metal Gear and its characters, despite my failed campaign to wrest said control from his grasp.

* * *

"Sleeping late as usual, eh Snake?" 

Our hero was greeted back into the land of the conscious by both Liquid's words and a throbbing headache. Looking around, Snake realized that he was sitting on top of the wreckage of Metal Gear, with Liquid looking only slightly worse for wear, considering he was at the epicenter of a giant ass explosion. Worse yet, Snake was once again shirtless.

"Liquid? How the fuck?! That blast knocked me out, and I was on the other side of the supply route. You were at ground zero, and you're still fucking alive? How?! And… uh… why am I shirtless again?"

"I won't die… as long as you still live."

"So… the blast threw you through a plot hole? Fuck. So why did you take my shirt?"

"Erm… that was Ocelot's idea…"

"That's fucking creepy."

"Yeah. Anyways, I get yet another chance to monologue. You see, I'm fighting for a world where warriors like us are honored like we once were… as we should be."

"Wow, let me guess; you came up with this entire plan after watching 300, right?"

"My goal wasn't based on a fucking movie, it was our father's dying wish, remember? When he was young, during the Cold War, the world needed men like us, to stop fifty-year old kung fu chicks, sadistic Brezhnevist electric Russians, and evil bastards with lame villain names like 'Gene' and 'Cunningham'. Seriously, even 'Decoy Octopus' is more menacing than 'Gene'."

* * *

**IN HELL…**

"Oh yeah, Gene was a moron." Big Boss said. "Rawr, fear my ability to hypnotize guards with my voice… yeah, like keeping the cannon fodder brainwashed is some kinda masterstroke of badassedry. Hell, I did it with Campbell and a delivery van."

"Campbell and a van? How the fuck did you…" Octopus said…

"…Don't ask, I'm not particularly proud of some of the things I did back then. It was the 1970s, and I'm sure we all did things we wouldn't do under normal circumstances during the 1970s."

"Uh… how many guards did you 'brainwash'?"

"About 200…."

"Uh…"

"Don't judge me. The main lesson to be learned from that whole mess was that Gene was a moron."

"Yeah; what was with the fucker? Always calling me 'Perfect Soldier'…" Gray Fox chimed in. "Yeah, I get it, I was the perfect mindless, machete-wielding soldier and all, but I did have a codename back then, 'Null'. If everyone else called him by his job, he'd be known as 'Beret-wearing Jackass'. Though I do admit, having a hot doctor chick who wasn't my adopted sister show up whenever I was brought out of that coffin thing was pretty boss."

"Fox, did I ever tell you how much I despise you?" Big Boss growled. "Anyways, y'know, I know where his house is down here. Want to steal his lawn gnomes?" Big Boss enquired.

As if on cue, everyone sitting around BB shouted "Yay!", and followed him out the door. Yeah, death had its way of lowering the scope of everyone's villainy, so now, instead of plotting global conquest or retribution for previous defeats; the FOXHOUNDers were willing to settle on committing lawn gnome theft.

* * *

**BACK AT SHADOW MOSES…**

"Anyways, now things are different. Because of all the liars and hypocrites running the world, war isn't what it used to be… we're losing our place in a world that no longer needs us. Those fuckers… 'Oooh, we don't want to risk another genocidal global conflict', such whiny bastards. You should know as well as I do, the world spurns our very existence. After I launch the weapon and get our billion dollars, we'll be able to bring chaos and honor… back to this world gone soft. Conflict will breed conflict… new hatreds will arise… then! We'll expand our sphere of influence."

"First, how the fuck are you going to launch a nuke, because Metal Gear's just a pile of scrap right now? Second, why would they pay you if you launch the nuke? And isn't the whole point moot, since as long as there are people, there will always be war? Man, I thought Papa's big 'Let's start World War III' plan sucked the first two times, and now you've resurrected it."

Ignoring the two problems with his plan that Snake had presented, Liquid decided to address the third issue. "The problem is balance… Father knew what type of balance was best, which coincidentally was the kind that had him holding all the cards…"

"I don't want that kind of world…"

"Ha! You lie!" Liquid said, going through his usual routine of hand motions. "If you don't want to fight, why are you here? Why do you continue to follow your orders while you're superiors betray you? Why did you come here?"

"I came here because Campbell kidnapped me, stole my clothes, and told me to stop a bunch of crazy fuckers. And I doubt that if I simply said 'My superiors suck, I won't follow their orders', that you guys'd not want me dead."

"No, you stupid jackass, you enjoy all the killing!"

"While I'll admit, the rampant violence was a net positive when I wasn't the recipient; I kinda think my version of events is less moronic."

"Are you denying it? Haven't you already killed most of my comrades?"

"That was…"

"I saw your face while you did it. It was filled with the joy of battle."

"You creepy voyeur freak!"

"There's a killer inside you… You don't have to deny it…" Liquid said, his tone edging the thin line between 'Crazy Mass Murderer talking to another crazy mass murderer' and 'Creepy uncle that your parents try to keep you away from at all costs'. "…We were created to be that way."

"Created?"

"Y'know that Les Efantes Terribles thing I was babbling about? It was a secret 1970s program to clone the badassest soldier ever. Unfortunately, Big Boss was in a coma around that time; but with a combination of 20th century analog cloning and the super baby method, they managed to create us."

"Super baby method? Does that involve kryptonite?"

"No, you twit, it means that we were originally octuplets; but they killed off six of them, making us accomplices in fratricide before we were even born. But that's not all… They then gave you all the dominant genes, leaving me with all the recessive traits! You took everything from me before I was born! Oh, and since the genome soldiers all received gene therapy from Big Boss; they're technically our brothers as well."

"Wait… if I'm the best brother, and the genome soldiers are all our brothers as well, why the Hell are you so pissed off? I mean; seriously, you don't suck as bad as at least a few hundred other brothers…"

"Oh, and the 'Gulf War Syndrome'? 'Twas caused by side effects of early gene-therapy tests. And their children? Our brothers as well…"

"…So… let's review. I'm trying to stop a group of terrorists, who apparently all were my brothers, from launching a stealthed, undetectable supernuke, and I was the result of a cloning project from the seventies. Gulf War Syndrome was actually a human experiment of gene-therapy techniques, and I'm the carrier of a heart attack causing intelligent virus. So… any other in-fucking-sane conspiracies you want to shed light upon?"

"Let's see… Area 51 is really a factory seeking to produce the greatest pop ever, the whole 'Illuminati meeting with big-eyed aliens' thing is all just a cover story to scare people away from some really fuckin' good cola. Elvis, Amelia Earhardt, and JFK are all living in a secret bunker underneath Disney World. John Wilkes Booth was actually hired by William Henry Seward, Lincoln's Secretary of State; who later set up the impeachment of Andrew Johnson in a bid to wrest control of the United States from them. Bigfoot's marriage to the Loch Ness Monster is a sham. Santa Claus is real. And…"

"…I shouldn't have asked…" Snake said, wondering who he wanted to be dead more; Liquid, or that bastard Elvis. _Screw Presley; Sinatra's the king damnit!_

"And we're all dying on a cellular level due to the Asymmetry Theory. That's why we need the old man's DNA. And thanks to the Selfish Gene Theory, which states that family members don't mate with each other…"

"Considering I'm tied up and we're both shirtless right now, I'm real grateful for the Selfish Gene thing."

"For the love of God, will you let me finish? Family members don't mate with one another, yet they help each other survive. That's why my goal is to save the genome soldiers."

"Aw, how nice. Anyways, conspiracy theories, asymmetry theories, selfish gene theories. Y'know I have a theory."

"Really, what?"

"I call it the 'Liquid is a Jackass Theory'. It's real technical, but the gist of it is that you're a jackass."

"You can't say anything to me that father didn't when I was three…"

"What about a stupid bastard motherfucker whose going to die at the hands of his cooler twin brother?"

"He used to sing me to sleep with that one…"

"That's fucked up…"

"Brilliant deduction… anyways, you can't fight your genes, its fate. All living things are born for the sole purpose of passing down their parent's genes. That's why I'm going to save the genome soldiers, to let them pass on their genes. And then I'll go beyond! I'll break the curse of my heritage. And to do that, I'll kill you!"

"First, if you can't fight your genes and you inherited all of Big Boss's bad traits, I'd assume you have the 'Get's his ass killed by Solid Snake' chromosome. Second, doesn't the fact that genes are fate; and me having superior genes make you, y'know, kinda fucking scared? And third, doesn't wanting to kill me go against the whole Selfish Gene thing?"

"Uh…" Liquid said, at a loss for words… "Hey, look! A distraction!" Liquid said, pointing behind Snake, at the possibly unconscious/possibly dead form of Meryl.

"Foolish woman, falling in love with a man that doesn't even have a name…"

"Wait… she was cheating on me with Gray Fox? That bastard!"

"I was referring to you. Me and you own nothing; our pasts and futures are just copies of Big Boss's. I'll let her go once we finish our business. We're almost out of time."

"Oh God! Foxdie! I'm too young to have a heart attack! Damn it, I stopped eating steak to stop my arteries from clogging. Gypped!". Yep, that's our hero, courageous to the end.

"Actually, the Pentagon's aware of Metal Gear's destruction, and are currently planning on nuking us off the map. I'd ask Campbell for more info…"

* * *

"Shnake! The Shekretary of Defensh hash jusht taken ofer command! He'sh ordered a nuclear shtrike from stealth fightersh!" 

"But Metal Gear's down! He doesn't need to kill me! I mean he doesn't need to kill all those innocent people!" Our panicking hero said, ignoring the fact that the only innocent people on the base were a science geek and unconscious/possibly dead love interest.

"Aktually, he ordered the shtrike after we told him that Metal Gearsh wash deshtroyed. He wantsh to cover it all up. He literally shaid 'The shecret of the amayshing cola diesh with Liquid'. Oh, and shomething about the genome armiesh and nuclear tanksh."

"So he wants to vaporize all the evidence with a nuclear bomb? What a tool…"

"Don't worry Shnake! I'll shtop the bombsh! I'll shay 'Don't blowsh up Shnake!' and hope they get confooshed! Oh, and here'sh anosher conspirashy, Foksh-Hound wash under inveshtigation for shome type of shower camera shcandal, and Meryl wash transhferred to the base to manipulate me. Get out of there, Shnake!"

"Uh… thanks Colonel…" our hero said, wondering how the Hell he was going to escape considering he was still handcuffed on the top of Metal Gear.

"Thish is the leasht I can do. HEY! Shecretary of Shtate dude! Don't blowsh up Shnake! Wait… arrrrrrrrrrrgh!" Suddenly, the drunken face of Roy Campbell was replaced by the piratey face of Jim Houseman, United States Secretary of State.

"Hey, Houseman! Put the drunk back on!"

"Campbell's been relieved of his command for high treason, leaking secret information, and being drunk on the bridge of a nuclear submarine."

"Man, you really are a tool. Did the president really authorize you to do all this?"

"Nope, he's too busy leeching off of special interests and skirt-chasing after interns."

"So… how're you going to explain a nuclear explosion in Alaska?"

"First, you're in fucking Alaska. Who's gonna give a damn? Three polar bears and a seal? But if anyone asks, we'll say that the terrorists had a small mishap and blew themselves up." As a side note, to all you Alaskans, I have no control over what Jim Houseman, professional tool, says. "I'd consider not blasting everyone to kingdom come, if you were to promise that you'd give me the optical disk that possesses all of Rex's data."

"What disk? Oh, I remember, Ocelot took it from me. I didn't really care, seeing as how I was a walking arsenal with all the other gear I had, and it served no purpose to me. Didn't really mind losing it. But please, just hear me out…"

"You let Clint Eastwoodovich take it? Fuck, I will dance on your grave. You and your brother are a national disgrace! I mean, what, we created you to serve as merciless killers, and you are merciless killers, you yourself killing hundreds and saving the world multiple times. I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR!"

"That's fucked up. What about everyone here? You'll be killing a terrorist army, an apathetic killer who inadvertently gave the terrorists launch capacity, and a Stockholm-afflicted nerd."

"That's precisely the reason I'm launching. Well, the bombs'll be rainin' down soon, so why don't you and blondie braid each other's hair or sit and talk about boys or something?"

* * *

"Did he just call me blondie?" Liquid said, raising an eyebrow. 

"Yep, and he mistook the two of us for stereotypical middle-school girls. The 'Jim Houseman is a gigantic tool' theory holds up."

"So… we're all about to be decimated by an airstrike… Let's just fucking throw down, alright? Only your death can return what is rightfully mine, even if what is rightfully mine is going to be blasted to hell five minutes after I win…" Liquid said, running out of dramatic speeches to improvise. "And Hell, to make this interesting, I'll set up this time bomb to blast us to oblivion in three minutes while we're at it. Ooh, and if you win you can take Meryl with you! And…"

"Just shut up with the stipulations and untie me so I can kick your ass." Looking downcast, Liquid acquiesced.

"Fine, just remember, if you walk over the edge of Metal Gear, you'll fall…" Liquid said, reaffirming that gravity hadn't been negated while Snake was unconscious. "At this height, the drop would kill even you. But not me, because I got the Wile E. Coyote genome, or something."

And so, the two glared at each other. With Liquid's exclamation of "Have at you!", the battle was joined.

As both brothers pummeled the fuck out of each other, the two remaining CODEC support members who weren't arrested, proven to be megalomaniacal clones, or weeping over their deceased sniper girlfriend watched the fight from satellite feed.

* * *

"Is it fair to punch someone in the kidneys like that?" Mei Ling asked. 

"Of course eet eesn't. But zhey're secret military experiments trained as azazins. Vhat do you expect?"

"Ow. Liquid just got gouged in the eye."

"Do you vant Snake to vin?"

"Well yeah, but that's just not nice…"

"Vhat? He'z dizrespected your proverbs and my hatred of nuclear veapons. He's hit on us more timez than he's asked us for advice. He incinerated hiz own father. And you expect him to vight vair?"

"Good point. We still want him to win right?"

"He'z a bit of a jackazz, but my contract zays zhat if Znake dies, my pay'll be docked."

"Wait… so does mine! But the Secretary's sending bombers to destroy the base…"

"Vucking Houzeman. Cheap baztard'z tryink to rip us off!"

"Man. He is a gigantic fucking tool!"

"Zo… ve must assure Znake's victory, and hope he can ezcape ze blast radius of a ground penetrating nuclear vorhead in time."

"Hey Nastasha, I have an idea…"

"Lay eet on my zizter."

"It involves karaoke…"

* * *

Meanwhile, as Snake and Liquid were settling their argument like any pair of brothers would, excluding the nuclear bomb and murderous intent, Snake's CODEC beeped. 

"Mei Ling, Natasha. I am –ow my fucking jaw- very busy. I do not need to hear Sun Tzu's quotes about unarmed combat, nor the technical specifications of a fist. Please let me - DIE LIQUID!- get blown up by this nuclear device while my brother is punching me in the temple in peace, okay?" However, Snake was not me by maudlin quotes or anti nuke tirades, but rather truly godawful 1980s music, as sung by two women with hilarious accents…

"Eet eez ze eye of ze tiger…"  
"Confucius says it's 'The thrill of the fight'."  
"Risink up to ze challenge ov our rival –in your caze, blondie-."  
"And, as Oscar Wilde once put it 'The last known survivor stalks his prey in the night',"  
"And he'z vatching us all vith the eye of ze tiger…"  
"Washington once wrote 'eye of the tiger'…"  
"Risink up, straight to ze top,"  
"Lu Bu once exclaimed 'Had the guts, had the glory'."  
"Vent ze distance, now I'm not goink to stop…"  
"Winston Churchill once said 'Just a man and his will to survive…"  
"Eet eez ze eye of ze tiger…"  
"Ayn Rand once said 'eye of the tiger…"."  
"Eye of ze tiger'  
"Charles Dickens went 'Eye of the tiger…'."

Now, fueled by a power that could defeat Mister T and Russian Communism, Snake felt like climbing stairs and challenging Carl Weathers. But for now, he settled for stopping his brother and escaping the island before it was blown up.

**-BAM!-  
****-CRACK!-  
-AMAZING CQC ACTIONY BREAK LIQUID'S FACE THING!-  
****-FATALITY!-  
****-UPPERCUT OF ULTIMATE KNOCKING A JACKASS OFF A MECH!-**

And so, Liquid fell…

…and fell…

…and fell…

…and fell…

…exclaiming, all the way down, his usual "SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

Meanwhile, Snake had jumped across Metal Gear, defused the bomb, and was now holding on to his prone love interest.

"Meryl, I did it! I killed Fox-Hound, stopped a threat to the global order, and saved you! Score! Wait… Meryl? Meryl? MEEEEEEEEEEEERYYYYYYYYL!!"

His cry echoing across the room, Snake began apologizing randomly. "I'm sorry that you couldn't count on a remorseless clone of the world's greatest eyepatched supervillain to save you! I'm nothing! I'm so sorry!"

"Snake… she's dead… she can't really forgive you" Otacon chimed in, apparently able to drag all 135 pounds of nerd up the side of a ruined mech.

"What the Hell do you know, aside from advanced robotics, engineering, and computer hacking? Meryl's dead, and my boxes… my precious boxes are gone… I lost…" Snake said, losing all composure. And the sad music amped up here.

"Uh… Are you going to stay here and die? Snake, people die all the time. As I learned today, most of them as a result of your actions. But you and Meryl, despite knowing each other for only a few hours, will be together forever, like me and Wolf."

"Nerd… don't get me started on your relationship with your psycho junkie since she's the one who shot my Meryl…"

"Listen, we can bicker about my darling Wolf accidentally wounding your annoying rookie, leading you to cold bloodedly murdering her, until Houseman kills us, or we can steal a jeep and escape."

"You mean…"

"Yes… Life isn't just about loss y'know…"

"Ha! Get a room you two!"

"Meryl… you're alive?"

"Yeah… man, you should've seen the look on you face, Snake. 'Meeeeeeerrrryllll'… It was hilarious."

"Yes! Score! Ha! My girl's still alive! In your face Otacon! I win!"

"Snake… throughout all the torture and terrible Survivor tracks, one hope kept me alive… I wanted to see you!"

Luckily, before any more hackneyed romance could be thrown our way, the building shook.

"Damn. That tool's really going to kill us." Snake said with a grimace.

"Remember the escape route I told you about?"

"Good job Otacon… now that the nuclear bombs are going to fall, let's run our merry way to that jeep, and see if we can't outrun the mushroom cloud and all consuming destruction."

And so, Snake climbed down Metal Gear, then held out his arms for the love interest and side kick to jump down. However, considering the massive blood loss and head trauma he was subjected to over the course of the mission, and his general competence in areas not related to black ops badassedry, Otacon and Meryl both decided to climb down themselves.

"Hey guys?"

"Yeah Meryl?"

"Shouldn't there be like a vaguely Liquid-shaped pile of broken bones and bloodied flesh around here somewhere?"

"Trust me, it was birds. They're like fuckin' sky piranhas man, they can do some damage."

"Hmm… y'know, you're shirtless, and I'm just wearing a tanktop, and we're heading outside… despite Raven's example, shouldn't we y'know, get dressed?"

And so, luckily, the trio found Snake's sneaking suit, though all the sweet gear he had stolen was gone. And Meryl found a bright orange sleeveless vest, the perfect thing to wear outside in Alaska. They proceeded to run towards the garage, Meryl apparently unhindered by the fact that her knees had been used as target practice by the greatest nonphotosynthetic sniper ever, and Otacon apparently unhindered by the ankle he had twisted ducking into a locker to avoid a ninja beatdown.

* * *

Over the CODEC, Snake was dictating his last will and testament, as well as his farewells, to Mei Ling and Nastasha, just in case. 

"So, my desolate cabin in the middle of nowhere goes to my good friend Campbell."

"Sorry Snake, he's incarcerated." Mei Ling shrugged…

"Master?"

"Deceased."

"You guys?"

"Neither Nastasha nor I want it."

"Then, if I don't make it, can you be sure to set my Huskies loose on unwary travelers after burning my shack to the ground?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"Speaking of which, how the Hell are you to going to avoid Jim 'The Tool' Houseman's wrath?"

"Dude, I'm the save game chick, remember? All of this is recorded. So yes, we can reveal that he was behind the cover up."

"Well, guess this is goodbye…"

"Aw, don't worry Snake, I'm sure we'll see each other at the 'Shadow Moses Incident' reunion picnic. Nastasha's already writing out invitations. C'mon I'm sure you'll escape the nuke."

"Um, I'm not as worried about the blast as I am about letting Otacon or Meryl drive the jeep. Those two have got to be on something..."

* * *

"I'll drive!" 

"No way Otacon! I'm driving."

"Race you to the car!

And so, the two of them ran ahead of Snake, tripping a security camera.

"Hey! A helpless nerd, a critically injured rookie, and the deadliest man on Earth!" Shouted Faceless Guard 516289. "Get the one with the bandana!"

And so, as Snake was doing amazing CQC actiony things, Meryl and Otacon were busy trying to start a jeep.

"Hm… this one with the 'L1QU1D' license plate doesn't have any keys…"

"Hah Otacon! This one does! I drive!"

"Aw man…"

"Would you two shut up and start the car already?"

"Fine… grouchy sonuvabitch… get in!"

With Otacon in the passenger's seat, and Meryl driving, Snake was left to man the giant .50 caliber machinegun. Which frankly, he would've shoved Meryl or Otacon away from if they were there, because he wanted to use it.

And so, after laying waste to the guards and shooting conveniently placed explosive barrels in front of the garage door, the trio started their escape, Snake failing to try to shoot out the other jeep's tires. Because hey, he might've been very generous in the bullets he dispensed earlier, but behind a heavy machinegun with an infinite supply of bullets, you gotta save…

Our heroes continued their escape, laying waste to faceless guards at two security checkpoints. Yes, it looked as though our heroes would make it through intact, until…

"Not yet Snake! It's not over yet!" Liquid shouted from the jeep they didn't take.

_Okay…Helicopter crash, Metal Gear explosion, and a 50 foot fall onto concrete… HOW THE FUCKING HELL IS HE STILL ALIVE? _Snake thought as he turned around, manning the gun.

And yet again, Liquid and Snake locked in a cold blooded struggle. Did Snake try to shoot out the engine block of Liquid's jeep with a well-placed spray of .50 caliber bullets? No. Did Liquid try to shoot out Meryl, to stop the getaway? No. Both brothers were content to yet again shoot randomly at each other as Otacon and Meryl argued in the front seat over whether to listen to the rock or news channel on the radio…

And unfortunately for everyone involved, both Otacon and Meryl were so engrossed in channel surfing, they failed to pay attention to the road. And thus, our heroes ended up laying prone in the snow, underneath their wrecked jeep. Liquid's jeep was flipped over a convenient distance away, with no sign of the mastermind visible.

"Are you guys alright?"

"Yeah, Snake, man, we're lucky that we narrowly avoided skidding over the edge of the cliff conveniently located right next to the end of the tunnel."

"Yep, only two thousand pounds of jeep resting on our spines, and none of use seems to be in any pain." Otacon chimed in.

"Can you guys move?"

"Nope, it's too comfy underneath this wrecked vehicle."

"What happened to Liquid?" Snake asked, losing count of the number of times Liquid magically showed up, none worse the wear after some sort of horrible injury…

"I dunno. Hope he's dead though…" Meryl said.

Otacon once again chimed in with expert analysis. "Yeah, I mean, none of us are hurt at all, and he's harder to kill than Rasputin. Or a cockroach. Or some sort of weird combination of the two, but yeah, I think he's dead."

"SNAKE!" And that my friends, is why Otacon is an engineer, and not a doctor.

And so, battered, bleeding, and quite upset looking, Liquid dragged himself over to our heroes. Yep, he landed on his face, but at least he didn't have a ton of comfy jeep crushing his spine. Raising his FA-MAS, Liquid prepared to finally get around to killing his brother…

"SNAKE…….-KAFF-...-urgh-…" Liquid began to say as that familiar 'somebody's about to have a heart attack' music that we all loved so very much from Octopus's and Baker's deaths made a comeback. _Okay… I finally win out in the end, am about to kill these bastards, and I'm deus ex machina'd out of the picture? Fucking dad'd probably be laughing his ass off at this…_ And yes, in Hell, Big Boss was enjoying the post gnome-theft Liquid heart attack show…

"F… Fo…" Liquid wheezed, dropping the rifle and falling to his knees…

"Foxdie?" Snake said…

"No… f-fuck… you… urrrgh" With a final, dramatic hand motion, Liquid Snake died.

"So… he died of Foxdie? SONUVABITCH!"

"Don't think about it, Snake."

"Oh, 'Don't think about it', Meryl? Fucking Liquid's lying dead from a heart attack a foot and a half away! I could poke him! How can I not think about it?"

"Uh, by concentrating on the air raid?"

"DAMNIT!"

"Wait… shouldn't the bomber have arrived by now?" Otacon shrugged.

"Eh… the codec's beeping. If it's Houseman calling to gloat, what expletive do you want me to use?"

Both Meryl and Otacon agreed on "Stupid Piratey Tool Motherfucker".

* * *

"SHNAKE!" 

"Colonel? Wait… what happened?"

"I managed to callsh up the Preshident! He shaid shomething about 'Damn the Patriotsh' and called off the bombersh! And the Sheckretary of Shtate was just arreshted!"

"Well that's good. Oh, and I managed to save your niece, so you might want to stop drinking, Colonel…"

"Acktually, I'm not a colonel. I'm retiredsh, remember? And Meryl'sh not my niesh, she's my daughtersh…."

"What did you just say, I wasn't paying attention?"

"I shaid… erm…shomeshing I forgot…Oh, and theresh a shnowmobile nearby, show you can jusht leave when you get that car off your shpines…"

"Oh, and about the heart attack virus that you kept secret from me and that made my mission a royal pain in the ass? Yeah, it killed my doppelganger…"

"Wellsh, you can talksh to Naomi about that…"

"Great..." Snake shrugged, feeling a tepid speech coming on. "Naomi, you there?"

"I heard about my brother…"

"I'm sorry… but he had one last message he wanted me to tell you… uh, it was…"

"You forgot, right? Head trauma can cause memory loss…" Naomi sighed.

"…something like he killed someone or something or undying world of shadowy lights… it's really hard to remember… ah well. Just remember he loved you, died like a complete badass, and wanted you to drop your vendetta against me."

"Maybe he finally found peace… he wasn't really Frankie anymore after you blew him up… he was more like a crazy cyborg ninja…" Naomi said, and her words rang true. In death, Fox did find peace. Peace, and garden gnome theft.

"Oh, and about that heart attack virus... when am I going to die?"

"That's up to you?"

"So… what? Did Liquid, Octopus, and Baker think to themselves 'this'd be a great time to die of cardiac arrest?"

"Everyone dies when their time is up…"

"Yeah… and when is my time up? That's kinda why I wanted to talk to you…"

"It's up to you how you use the time you have left to you... Live, Snake, that's all I can say…"

"Uh, how can I know how to manage the time left to me, if I don't know how much time I have left?"

"Can I give a long, drawn out speech about life?" Naomi asked…

"Sure… can I tune it out?" Snake responded, as he, Meryl and Otacon got out from under the car, and began to trudge away towards the snowmobile…

"Each person is born with their fate etched into their genetic code… it's unchanging… but it's not all there is to life. I told you, the reason I became the best insane geneticist was to figure out my own life. But I was wrong. I didn't find out about myself, other than the fact that I had the 'vengeful harpy' gene. Just like the genome soldiers… I gave them the best genes in the world, and you still went through them like a hot chainsaw through an evil, possessed hand. DNA doesn't govern anything more than potential. The fact that your fate is to die of a heart attack isn't important… you must choose life, Snake! Until today, I always looked for a reason to live… beyond malice and vengeance of course…but from now on, I'll just live… living is a link to the future… thank you Snake… you taught me the meaning of life…" As usual, the dramatic music really amped up…

"So… WHEN THE HELL AM I GONNA DIE?"

"Just live, Snake.."

"Is the 'Strip Search' option still available?"

"Sorry, but I honestly thought you'd be dead by now…"

"Then I don't want to live…"

"Maybe Meryl will oblige."

"Life is beautiful..."

* * *

"Hey Snake, I found a bandana!" Meryl said, holding it up. 

"I already have one…" Snake said, pointing towards his forehead.

"Hey, I'll give you my stealth suit!" Otacon chimed in.

"No, I'll just order something really big off of Amazon, and then use the box..." Snake shrugged. "Maybe it's time we all share what we learned today..."

"Well, I learned that I don't need to be a spectator in life anymore, and hide behind science. Oh, and to always bring along an extra pair of pants." Said Otacon.

"And I learned that I should never stand out in the open when there's a shiny red light about. And that amoral killing machines are loveable…" Meryl giggled.

"And I learned that maybe I shouldn't just live for violence anymore, I should live for other people, namely nerds and target practice I meet during my missions. And that three people have a hard time fitting on a snowmobile. Probably ruins the gas mileage too." Snake said, revving up the machine…

"So… where are we off to, Snake?"

"Call me David…"

"Okay… so where we off to, Dave?"

"A new path in life…" Our de-codenamed hero said, joining his Brother, and all the codec support in the land of cryptic gibberish…

"Hey! What's that?" Meryl said, pointing at an animal in the distance…

"Caribou… to the Aleutians, they're a symbol of life…" Snake said, paying no attention to where he was going…

**THUD!****  
**

"…and they're speedbumps to inattentive snowmobile drivers... uh… ew… um, okay, let's just ignore that and focus on enjoying life…"

And so, Solid Snake/Dave, Meryl Silverburgh, and Hal Emmerich escaped Shadow Moses Island, heading off into the sunset, and to a new adventure… but that'll just have to wait until I get around to Tactical Idiocy Action 2: Subtitle Not Yet Worked Out.

* * *

**FINAL AUTHOR'S NOTE**

And, in the real world, a nerd known as DarkGidora stirred. "Well, 'twas quite the ride, eh? Over two-and-a-half years, and I finally finished a fic!"

"I'd like to give thanks to Hideo Kojima, Konami, TAPPY, Rika Muranaka the US Voice Cast, and everyone else responsible for making one of the best games ever. I may have mocked them all, but hey, I kid because I care." DarkGidora said, making his best attempt at Liquid's evil arms-crossed-looking-down evil pose of doom. "Thanks also goes to any of the owners of the billion and a half random references I threw in. A very special thanks also goes to the immense delays, who kindly donated their time to this project."

And then, as dramatic music amped up, DarkGidora delivered his closing "Finally, I'd like to thank the readers and the reviewers. All things considered, I probably would never have finished without your kindness and loyalty. Thank you for actually reading this gibberish, and for bearing with my complete lack of proofreading, lame running gags, and of course, the delays. A sequel is coming, although I might try a few other fics before I get around to it. And the delays need work too, so y'know…". Unfortunately for the pontificating nerd, he had chose a spot quite visible from a certain snowmobile…

**AMAZING CQC ACTIONY BREAKING THE AUTHORS NECK THING!**

"I waited 24 chapters to do that…" our hero said, shortly before returning to the sidekicks and ending the fic…

* * *

**MEANWHILE…**

"Yes sir, the entire unit was wiped out" Ocelot said, talking to a mysterious stranger on the phone. "The vector? Foxdie should become activated soon, right on schedule. Barring a sequel, of course. Yes sir, I recovered all of Rex's dummy warhead data, and the only person who knew who I really was has been disposed of. Oh… and speaking of hostages… a really interesting thing happened while I was guarding Baker… hand transplants are covered by the HMO? Gooood. And to reinforce that whole 'genes aren't fate' thing, I'll reveal that Snake was actually inferior to Liquid. Right up until he died, packed in snow and perfectly preserved for transplanting, Liquid believed that he was inferior, just because Big Boss told him that since he was a child. And no one knew that you were actually the third one, Solidus, because you weren't mentioned at all. What? Something to keep the readers demanding a sequel? Alright…"

"Yes…"

"Thank you…"

"Good bye…"

"Mister President…"

**DUN DUN DUUUUUN!**

And yes, thank you and goodbye to the readers as well…


End file.
